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  #11  
Old 02-20-2013, 02:54 AM
ConfusedPartner ConfusedPartner is offline
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Update...

After having agreed to my compromise last night (he spends time with her during the week, the three of us have play time together when I visit, but he and I have the rest of the weekend for just the two of us), he is now saying that I don't care much for our relationship and that I threatened it since I was setting up conditions and expectations.

After he cheated on me and lied about it, after he fell in love with this person when ours was not a polyamorous relationship to begin with, after he refused to give our relationship alone time when I visited, and after he continued to make suggestions for a poly household without first having talked to me about it...after all this, he is telling me that I have put our relationship at risk by setting up expectations. That our relationship and my love for him is so unstable that I would be with him only if he made certain compromises.

I am breathing very deep and trying to hold it together.
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  #12  
Old 02-21-2013, 09:54 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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It seems to me that he keeps changing the rules; one minute something is okay; the next minute it's not okay. It's almost like a bait and switch. He leads you to believe he will offer one thing, then when you're emotionally committed to move forward he changes his offer to something else.

It's kind of manipulative, kind of dishonest, and very inconsistent. He seems to know exactly how far he can push you.

He accuses you of setting up conditions and expectations, and yet he sets up conditions and expectations as well, and somehow his conditions and expectations are always the ones that get established. The most you get are promises and reassurances that he won't honor later on.

Re:
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"After all this, he is telling me that I have put our relationship at risk by setting up expectations. That our relationship and my love for him is so unstable that I would be with him only if he made certain compromises."
So you should make compromises, but he shouldn't? Honey, if he keeps up this behavior, you should cut the ties. You deserve better treatment. What's going on now is, well, kind of creepy.

For now I guess you could tell him that what you want is fairness, whereas the current set-up is fair only to him. You might also tell him that you will only put up with it for so long. Pick a date on the calendar and tell him that is the date by which you need to see some improvement in the relationship. And that if there is none by then, that's the day when you'll be ending your part of the relationship.

In which case he might bark, "Fine! Then we are finished right now!" The question is, would that be all bad? Think right now about whether this relationship is good for you, is healthy for you.

I know your options all suck here. I am sorry about that. The one thing I know is that you are being taken on a roller-coaster ride that is not fun.
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