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Old 02-21-2013, 09:30 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Default Gf is ordering me to stop sleeping with my Bf. WTF?

Am I wrong in getting pissed off here?! I cannot stand even the idea of being controlled or told what to do. I feel like this is an enormous thing to ask of me.

Quick back story, read my other posts for more details:

Been w my bf for 6 yrs, Gf for 2. Pretty much closed relationships and they are not together. Bf has my blessing in seeing others, Gf says she's not interested. Bf is ok w me being w other women but not men, gf and I play w other women sometimes but she's not ok w me being w anyone alone.

Bf and I have been struggling w the sexual aspect of our relationship for the past yr or so. I lost interest and felt disconnected from him for a while but have been working hard on getting close to him again. We are just as in love as ever and the whole experience has really brought us closer together. We have come to a better understanding of our needs together and realized we have so much more holding us together regardless of our sexuality.

Gf has been some what supportive through all this. Listening to me talk and trying to understand my point of view. A few wks ago she asked if him and I were having sex and I said not rly but if I did want to it's my decision. Since then Bf & I have gotten more sexually involved and today she asked this huge demand of me.

She asked me to not have sex with anyone which I agreed to, thinking she meant no more 3somes for a while. Then she says no I don't want you sleeping w your bf, it's very important to me.

WTF. What would you think in this situation? I feel like she's totally out of line. I told her I'm completely not okay with her trying to control me and put restrictions on my relationship w someone I've been w for 6+ yrs.

She said she just really needs this right now so she can be comfortable. I don't know how long she expects this abstinence to last and what she is going to work on inside herself to be comfortable w this during that time but what if it's not "all better" afterwards? How can I even believe this isn't just a ploy to force me to be mono with her? We have had this argument so many times where I tell her you need to make the conscious decision to be in a poly relationship and put in the effort w me to at least begin accepting it and not fighting it. I told her if its not right for you I'm not holding you prisoner. I don't want you to resent me for the rest of our lives and be "waiting around" for me to "settle down" cuz that's unfair to both of us.

I have been up front and honest about my intentions to be with both of them fully the entire time. I feel like she's in denial, thinking that she's going to eventually get me all to herself even though I've explained until I'm blue in the face I have no interest in ever being mono.

I fear that more now because today she goes well I was happier when you said you and him weren't having a sexual relationship bc I felt if I was good and gave you everything you need you'd realize you don't need that from him anymore and it can be just between you and me. :|

That is just so out of touch with my feelings and things I've expressed to her I feel she only hears what she wants to and rejects reality.

It's not like my bf and I hardly ever even SEE each other so us having sex is such a rare occurrence already asking us not to do it is kind of silly any way. But it's the concept behind it. I just feel offended that she would try to impose boundaries on my relationship w him.

Opinions? I don't know how to proceed. Honestly this just makes me want to be alone cuz I feel no matter what I do nothing will be good enough for her.
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Old 02-21-2013, 09:56 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Could request the Final Word and ask for clear communication. Maybe something like...

1) I want to be in a polyship with my BF (him) and with my GF (you). This includes sex expression.

2) I will not promise permanent sexual exclusivity to just you. This is a limit with me.

3) If permanent sexual exclusivity is a NEED for you in your romances, I cannot meet your need as such. If you require a short period of time of abstaining to adjust, I could be willing to entertain the thought, depending. How long is the time you require? What would you expect of me in that time? How can I support you in that time?

4) If sexual exclusivity is a WANT for you in your romances, and one you can let go of then perhaps this can work between us that way. How can I support you in being willing to let go of the want?

5) We have had this conversation before, yet we do not arrive at a conclusion together. I have a new limit. I wish to know your final word now, if you know your willingness to continue in polyship with me. If not sure, could you know by the end of the (week? month?). Otherwise I have to move forward without taking your information on board. I need to relieve my suffering here in limbo land. I do not wish to continue to suffer.

6) Please clarify: Is sexual exclusivity a want or a need for you? I can respect both your want and your need, but I need a clarify so I can deal with my own self and my own life and my own wants, needs, and limits. Are we compatible enough so we can be in agreement and in harmonious romantic relationship or not? Is this about jealousy management? Or relationship shape preferences? Could we better as friends?
Try to sort it out. Not all dating partners are going to be a runner. Sort this one out, give it a fair shake, and if it is not lining up, accept it is not a runner.
Could accept you both seek different models, have different wants, needs, limits. Could end the romanceship shared and shift gears into friendship shared instead.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2013 at 02:34 AM.
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Old 02-21-2013, 10:52 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I second Galagirl.
To answe your question, no I wouldn't find that reasonable and yes it sounds like she is trying to create a monoship.
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Old 02-22-2013, 02:32 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
I don't know how long she expects this abstinence to last and what she is going to work on inside herself to be comfortable w this during that time but what if it's not "all better" afterwards?

Opinions? I don't know how to proceed. Honestly this just makes me want to be alone cuz I feel no matter what I do nothing will be good enough for her.
Well you could ask her that first one, but it sounds like your answer to her request is "No" so I would just say no. If she does not take it well, then well personally, I'd make a decision to stop seeing her, as that behavior doesn't make much sense at all to me, and is counter to who and what you seem to have explained you are/want/need out of your relationships.
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Old 02-22-2013, 02:38 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Came back to add...

I find it reasonable she is telling you what she would like. She has the right to have what she'd like in her romanceship.

I don't know HOW this information was shared. You have the right to know what's going on with clear communication in a way you can understand. Ask for the verify/clarify if you are confused.

It sounds like her delivery of this communication poked you, and you want validation that so do YOU. YOU have the right to have what you would like in your romanceship. (And of course you do too! You have the right to have what you would like in your romanceship.)

Rather than derail too much into her communication style, or try to rationalize/reasonableness test her feelings (feelings are emotion, and emotion is not logical) or assume negative intent about her motivation being her forcing you to do things in your own disappointment/upset... could choose not to go down those paths and stick to this path:
  • Could find out if she is willing to see the conversation through to the end. Keep it on track here to reach understanding. To answer the question of "Here are your wants, needs, limits. Here are mine. Are we still compatible to be in romanceship TOGETHER in a poly configuration?"

She cannot force you to do anything. You are free to walk away at any time. You do not sound like you are held against your will or are in an abusive situation. This is not FUN, but it is what it is. I am sorry you hurting. I am sorry you are being asked to consider things you do not enjoy and finding yourself in conflict.

Could decide to "just do the job in front of me." Hang tough, bite shield, and... Sort yourselves out.

Have that hard conversation in a kind but FIRM way and get the answers you need and arrive at conflict resolution. Again, not all dating partners are going to be a runner. Not all runners are going to go long haul. Discern what it is you have here. Do not be afraid to have the talk because the conflict resolution could be "We cannot share a romanceship here in harmony." DO IT ANYWAY. DISCERN AND SORT.

Could ask her if she is willing to do conflict resolution. Could ask her for an appointment date to do this in -- where you both clear 2 hours for it. Come with your talking point lists, and just go down the bullet points in turn until you have talked things out. Make another appt if needed to finish lists. Some things are not solved in one conflict resolution appointment -- people get tired, emotional, overwhelmed, etc.

Could not do serious relationship talks hungry, tired, pressed for time, over the phone, cel text, etc. Could give yourself and her the quality time, respectful space and be fully present to sort in.

Find out what there is to find out.

If she is not willing -- there is your answer. Either way, you get to KNOW where you stand and end limbo land suffering for yourself.

Hang in there!

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2013 at 02:58 AM.
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Old 02-22-2013, 03:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Well you could ask her that first one, but it sounds like your answer to her request is "No" so I would just say no.
I'm with Anne and GG. It is certainly your partners prerogative to express their desires and it is equally reasonable for you to give them a response they might not like. If "no" is not an acceptable answer then it wasn't a question to begin with; it was an order.
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Old 02-22-2013, 04:09 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I agree that everyone has a right to state what they want.

However, I gleaned from the post (though possibly incorrectly) that she knew coming into the relationship-that this wasn't a monoship (she's been the gf for 2 years, the bf has been the bf for 6).
I do not believe she has a right to DEMAND that she get a monoship and her feelings, needs, wants etc are MORE important.

For me-and this is JUST ME-I give priority of responsibility on my part, to the person who came first barring other technicalities that may effect the situation.
So for example, the choice to have another child depends upon my ability to manage that WITHOUT taking away from any current children I have-because they came first.

In regards to poly, neither partner has the right to demand I not have a full relationship with the other existing partner-not even in order to deal with a current problem they are having.
They may request that I alter schedules or devote extra time to them compared to what I have been-but they may not request that I stop having a full relationship with the other. Additionally, they don't get to insist that I begin having a full relationship with someone.

In a situation like this-where my newest partner was demanding I stop having a full relationship with my partner-I would tell them point blank,
"I love you both. I empathize with your emotional struggles. However, I will not neglect or abuse my other partner because you have issues that need dealt with. We can discuss other options or you can deal with them on your own."

BUT-I would also be on guard to terminate the relationship because they knew better. (especially after 2 years)

If my original partner made the same demand-I would tell them point blank,
"I love you both. I empathize with your emotional struggles. However, i will not neglect either of you or abuse either of you because of the other persons personal issues. We can discuss other options or you can deal with them on your own."

I would be attentive for the possibility that the relationship needed to end-because after agreeing to poly, there is a limit to how long it's reasonable (imho) to continue trying to "go back".

My limit turned out to be 3 years. Almost on the dot. At 3 years I quit being open to even HEARING my original partner complain about our relationship being poly. It IS poly. If you don't like it-leave. It's not going back to mono.
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Old 02-22-2013, 05:38 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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In my opinion, nobody gets to manage or dictate terms of a relationship they are not in. Period. I would not tolerate that at all. If a person I was involved with made such ridiculous demands, it would be over. End of discussion.
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Old 02-22-2013, 06:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
However, I gleaned from the post (though possibly incorrectly) that she knew coming into the relationship-that this wasn't a monoship (she's been the gf for 2 years, the bf has been the bf for 6).
I do not believe she has a right to DEMAND that she get a monoship and her feelings, needs, wants etc are MORE important.
I agree, LR. Nobody has the right to DEMAND. One requests things in relationship. HOW one expresses those requests matter.

But I am not actually hearing "demand" or "order" type language here. (I could be wrong too, I admit I am tired. I also have not gone looking for other related posts to see if there's more info.)

In the re-read I'm just not seeing GF talking order-ish. OP FEELS ordered, but where is the "order" language?

I see OP called it "My GF is ordering me..." in the title. OP writes that, not GF.

I see what the OP reports along the lines of

1) My GF was aware BF and I have been working on things and getting closer.
2) I make my GF aware that things have changed and sex is back on the table with me and BF on that side of the V.
3) GF says "I don't want you sleeping w your bf, it's very important to me. I just really needs this right now so I can be comfortable."

There I am assuming punctuation making it a "verbatim" kind of statement. It was not originally that way. I perceive "right now" as "right now at this time."
Fair enough. The GF has given her first impressions when made aware of a new change that can impact her health too. This JUST happened.

It doesn't read like "ORDER" talk to me. The OP state GF was aware and somewhat supportive of the BF talks and growing closer-ness. Does not state the GF concerns. But overall that seems like GF is realistic about her being in a polyship, sharing the hinge person with the Other, that changes on the other side of the V arm are happening...so how is this being in denial GF is in a polyship? Or the GF being not supportive at all?

To me this reads like "A Thing in Progress" right now. In those shoes? I would ask for more info and clarify/verify then.

OP has not done that yet. There is no report that OP has said "Thank you for being supportive of me while I was working things with BF. Thanks for hearing me as I updated you and made you aware that sex is back on the table. Thanks for you initial impressions. So... when could YOU AND I talk more deeply and digest this more fully now that you are aware of new changes on that side of the V?"

OP could choose to do that.

I perceive the OP is currently upset. I perceive OP could be here:
  • I do not want her to ask me for permanent abstinence. I cannot give that. I am afraid if she asks me that, this is the end of the polyship. I could ask if she is asking this.
  • I do not want her to ask me to choose between then. I am afraid that is the end of the polyship. I could ask if she's asking this.
  • I was not given a time frame for how long this "sex time out" thing could be. I do not like that. I could ask for one.
  • I was not told what things she needs to work on inside to become comfortable. I do not like not knowing. I could ask for this. I could offer my support of her as she does this work.
  • I was not told how I would be informed of her progress in her inner work so I can be assured she is not foot dragging or stringing me along. I fear being strung along. I need reassure. I could ask for this.
  • I feel frightened when I think about being trapped in a monoship. I need reassure this is not what this is. That this is not "cowgirly things" but rather just "polyship management talking" and "digesting things as new changes arise." I could ask for reassure.

Maybe other things that the OP could be feeling.

GF is not here to speak. But from her side? I could see a possibility of her feeling tired of this stuff too:

Quote:
We have had this argument so many times where I tell her you need to make the conscious decision to be in a poly relationship and put in the effort w me to at least begin accepting it and not fighting it. I told her if its not right for you I'm not holding you prisoner. I don't want you to resent me for the rest of our lives and be "waiting around" for me to "settle down" cuz that's unfair to both of us.
... if it comes out "so many times." Maybe it isn't the GF. Maybe it is the OP pulling it out and wearing it like a chip on the shoulder.
  • "I will never be monoamorous! Accept me how I am or end the polyship!"

Maybe she could be feeling like...
"Fine. You are not monoamorous. Yay. Can you accept YOU are in a polyship now? When you make it be about "I'm not holding you prisoner..." it feels like you are showing me the door and don't want to engage with me and do not want to be with me in a polyship.

When I ask for polyship management talking, stop wearing that thing like a chip on your shoulder. SEE me in this polyship? I am HERE already. I KNOW you are not monomorous. I know BF exists! I am not in denial. I have been here for two years! So talk to me already... about polyship management things and be emotionally available to me rather than throwing up defense walls and emotionally shutting me out.

I have been made aware of a new change that could affect me. Will there be changes in the calendar now since we have to fit in sexy time with the BF? Will I need to be doing labs for myself or expect to see labs from you guys? What's the BC/pregnancy plan gonna be now? New issues have arisen that affect ME too. Talk to me, please."
Could that be an angle to consider?

We could all guess till the cows come home. But that's not helping OP and the GF get on with the polyship managment talk in real life. Only they know what's up over there.

OP -- what do YOU need at this time? What's your plan now? Chill first? Then talk to the GF later?

I think you could vent the upset first here or to other "safe zone" friends in real life. Then could go get your clarify/verify with the GF and talk when you are feeling better. Go sort it out. I would go like that if it were me. Assess what we actually have going on here, and then decide what choice is next for yourself that serves you best.

Everyone holds their own baggage. People change, feelings change, things change. That's the only constant. Change. Time moves.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2013 at 08:00 AM.
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Old 02-22-2013, 07:11 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
Been w my bf for 6 yrs, Gf for 2. <snip>
Bf and I have been struggling w the sexual aspect of our relationship for the past yr or so. <snip>
Gf has been some what supportive through all this. Listening to me talk and trying to understand my point of view.
I see these three facts as being the most pertinent because when you put them together I see this:

1) OP has been with BF the entire time she's been with GF.
2) Struggling with the sexual aspect of relationship with BF has only been going on for the past year or so, so presumably for the first year OP was having sex with BF while in relationship with GF. So why is this something the GF needs NOW?? How/why is it needed now when it was not originally? These are questions I would be asking GF if I were the OP.
3) If GF has been aware of the ongoing struggle and the OP and BF working to repair their sexual connection, why is she just saying something now about her needs? Why wait until some sort of resolution is in place between OP and BF before saying she isn't comfortable with the outcome of said resolution?

I certainly understand the OP being upset. To go through so much with BF, work so hard on things, have GF know about most/all of it and have it finally starting to work out and then have THIS wrench thrown into the works?? Yeah, I'd be pissed too.

And I'm not as good at assuming positive intent as GalaGirl is. The timing of GF's communication of her need makes me extremely suspicious. Since OP has apparently been communicating with GF about this issue throughout it seems to me like there were probably many other opportunities the GF could have brought this up.

And this part:
Quote:
today she goes, "I was happier when you said you and him weren't having a sexual relationship bc I felt if I was good and gave you everything you need you'd realize you don't need that from him anymore and it can be just between you and me."
(punctuation added by me for clarification)

If this is a direct quote, yeah, that raises a "cowgirl" warning flag for me. Hopefully it's not, but if either MC or TGIB said that to me things would be on very, VERY thin ice.
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