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Old 02-21-2013, 02:28 AM
newme newme is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6
Default wife of a Poly

I see many people on this forum go through similar situations as mine and I thought I could give insight as to where I am at and my thought process through out my journey.

Background: I have been married to DH (username on here is vmsmith) for 19 years. We married when we were 19 years old. Our marriage has had its ups and downs. We have always gotten along very well because of our easy going personalities and common interests. The things that most marriages fall apart finances and lack of sex have never been issues for us. Having kids and throwing myself into motherhood was difficult on us and thats probably where I lost myself. Everything was for the kids and everything needed to be perfect for everyone else. For the first 10 years of parenthood vmsmith and i pretty much floated through life together. Not really talking about serious subjects but more day today things. I was afraid to communicate about deeper issues because I knew we had both changed and I thought it would end us. 3 years ago I felt an incredible doom in our marriage and knew something needed to change. I wasn't ready to ask questions about what had changed but I did want intimacy. We always had a good sex life but I wanted to feel closer to vmsmith and the only way I knew how was through sex. I was also going through a phase of discovering things about myself sexually and I wanted him involved. We call this period my sexually awakening but what I didn't know is it would spark a whole new path for vmsmith and I.

For the past two years we have talked about opening our marriage. He initially wanted to date other people. I found that very threatening and devastating. So I suggested swinging thinking it would be less threatening to me because there wouldn't be an emotional connection and we could do it together. We explored that for another 1+ years but neither of us did anything sexual. We attended some get togethers but I was not fond of the idea of having sex without love and with strangers. A few distasters with swinging and vmsmith was frustrated and inpatient. Communication broke down, I thought he had realized it wouldn't work and was happy with it just being us. He on the other hand rebelled and stumbled upon a coworker who was looking for a poly relationship except they neglected to informing either of their spouses! The affair ended in November when the coworkers husband found out. vmsmith became depressed and I noticed. Things blew up in December between us and he finally blurted out he wanted an Open/Poly marriage and this time he wanted it with or without me. I was devastated once again.

This forced me to consider it more seriously. I couldn't understand why he wanted this so much. He has always claimed that he had never cheated on me and he was curious (he gave up his virginity to me and had not known anyone else). I pushed him more on why he wanted it so much. I told him it was safe to tell me if there were infidelities and that he needed to tell me so I could have a full understanding. He finally came out with everything. The recent affair, some flirting flings and a couple of escorts throughout the past 10 years. I must say this was a blow and difficult time for me. A lot of tears and questions...

For the past three months I have been researching everything poly. I have been crying with my friends and vmsmith. I have been putting myself back together so I could figure out what I wanted. I have grown and admitted and learned a lot about myself. Through all of this we are closer then we have ever been. He is now completely honest with me and over the past three years we have touched on all those things I was afraid to open.

Last edited by newme; 02-21-2013 at 02:34 AM.
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affair, mono, poly, research, wife

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