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Old 02-19-2013, 10:35 PM
tree166 tree166 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 31
Default I feel like I did something wrong

Long story short, my boyfriend (primary, J) broke our standing poly agreement with his secondary of 3 months (R) at the worst possible time, and lied about it. Even when I caught him he kept lying. I call this cheating. It sucked. He and I are attempting to repair the damage he caused.

So that leaves R. He wasn't honest with her either, because she thought that everything on my end was fine and I was aware of what was happening. When he told her, she was unhappy that he'd lied, but it wasn't that big of a deal to her. When he told her that he wanted to take a break from her to try to fix the underlying issues in our relationship, she didn't take it well. She didn't understand why she was being punished, and she didn't understand why I was so upset because whatever they had done wasn't taking time away from me, and it's not like he cheated.

Ok, so this bothered me. A lot. It proved to me what I had suspected all along - this girl, who claims to be poly, has zero respect for me or my place in J's life. I was uncomfortable with the relationship from the beginning but am a firm believer in letting people make their own mistakes. After her little outburst, he started devoting less attention to her in their daily interactions (texts, im, phone calls), and went for a few days without making plans with her. It was only 4 or 5 days before she started demanding "quality time" with him, amid incessant "I miss you" and "When can I see you?" texts (he showed me everything). He had explained to her very clearly, several times, exactly what he had done, why it was wrong and why he needed to take this time, but she just didn't get it. Or chose not to. So he ended the relationship completely.

Things were still on a fairly casual level with them after 3 months. They had been intimate, but only saw each other once a week due to R's live-in boyfriend being uncomfortable with her seeing J unless he was working or had other plans. It was probably about 10 dates, total, give or take. I had never met her, despite repeated attempts for all of us to get together.

So here's my dilemma - given the fact that they still barely knew each other, I don't think she was entitled to make demands of him. I don't think her behavior was appropriate or kosher in any way, and if he hadn't done it on his own I probably would have encouraged him to end the relationship because she's not the kind of person I want involved in our lives. Am I just being a controlling bitch, as she implied? At what point does a new person have the right to make these sorts of demands, if ever? Do you think I'm being too hard on her?

It's sad that things went down like this. She looked really good on paper.
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