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  #61  
Old 02-19-2013, 03:42 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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She's having sex with someone else, in love with someone else, pushing your boundaries at every turn, wanting to demote you to secondary, wanting to have threesomes with someone else while you don't have sex with your wife at all...

What crisis was averted?
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  #62  
Old 02-19-2013, 04:21 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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When I said "crisis averted" I meant me having to put my foot down and potentially put an end to the polyamory if she didn't respect my limits in this regard. This time, she did respect them. That's what I was referring to.
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  #63  
Old 02-19-2013, 04:23 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by learninginTN View Post
When I said "crisis averted" I meant me having to put my foot down and potentially put an end to the polyamory if she didn't respect my limits in this regard. This time, she did respect them. That's what I was referring to.
And if you put your foot down, she'd stop the polyamory?
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  #64  
Old 02-19-2013, 04:28 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Well, everyone has a limit with what they're comfortable with, so yes, I would do that if she insisted on something I'm not comfortable with, like >24 hour stays, or spending more time with him than with me. Keep in mind polyamory is only polyamory if both spouses agree to it. Otherwise, it's just adultery.
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  #65  
Old 02-19-2013, 04:50 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by learninginTN View Post
Well, everyone has a limit with what they're comfortable with, so yes, I would do that if she insisted on something I'm not comfortable with, like >24 hour stays, or spending more time with him than with me. Keep in mind polyamory is only polyamory if both spouses agree to it. Otherwise, it's just adultery.
I agree. My question, though, was: will SHE stop polyamory if you put your foot down?
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  #66  
Old 02-19-2013, 04:56 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Well, I suppose if I put my foot down the choice will be hers to continue a relationship I don't approve of or to discontinue it. In the first instance I would go ahead and start talking with an attorney about divorce. In the second instance, I would have her re-commit to our relationship until we are in a better place, emotionally and physically.
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  #67  
Old 02-19-2013, 07:52 PM
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I guess I'd monitor the situation to make sure progress is still being made in the marital relationship between you and your wife. Keep the counsellor up to speed on your feelings, what improvements you'd like to see, and what improvements are actually happening.

It's good that the two of you came to a tolerable agreement regarding the 24-hour thing.
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  #68  
Old 02-21-2013, 02:51 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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So here's what happened yesterday. I get home from work just in time to change clothes to get to my Ballroom dance lesson. It's W's turn to take care of the kids. She picked them up from preschool at about 5:30. When I get back from dance class, at about 8:00pm, I see her in the kitchen, the kids already in bed (earlier than normal), and I say "Hi, babe". I get no response, no acknowledgment that I'm even home. I can tell she's upset about something, so I ask, "Is this something you want to talk about?". She yells, "Do I LOOK like I want to talk about it?!". Very angry face. Stomps off toward the kids room. Later, I hear her mumble something about there being two hours of screaming (presumably her doing the screaming).

I leave her alone until our Skype counselling session. During the session, which was again mainly focused on her, she cries and talks about she's not happy, etc. Even though I'm giving her as much time away from me and the kids as I can tolerate. She is seeing them on average of about maybe two hours/day during her "guy" week. Maybe a little longer on the other week. Sometimes goes a stretch of 36 hours without seeing them at all.

Counsellor asks very insightful questions about what her dream life would be if she could have it. She answers with things like, "It doesn't do any good to imagine that, because I can't have it." Refusing to get into specifics. Says sometimes she feels she's in "corner" and can't get out. In my mind, she's in pretty damn good corner, with a good husband, kids, job, house, etc., and getting to see another guy 25-30 hours/week for what is essentially a date night everytime she's with him.

Counsellor asks me why I'm able to tolerate the kids while she can't. I tell her I think it's either a basic personality difference or some kind of brain chemisty issue (without specifically saying I think she needs to be under some kind of medication to handle her extreme moodiness, or bi-polar issue).

Tonight's our date night. So no kids, and hopefully she'll put some of her "guy" energy into me tonight. I'd like to start working on the intimacy. I think when we're back to where we should be, it'll help her, too, because I'll be more content and more likely to be understanding when she wants to do some of the things she wants to do. I'm still not entirely sure if her "guy" was out of the picture she'd want to put more energy into me or not.
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  #69  
Old 02-21-2013, 09:00 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"I'd like to start working on the intimacy. I think when we're back to where we should be, it'll help her, too, because I'll be more content and more likely to be understanding when she wants to do some of the things she wants to do."
Might be a good thing to say to her (sometime when she's in a receptive frame of mind).

Right now I think she's going through some kind of mid-life crisis; life didn't turn out the way she wanted it to, and/or the things she thought would make her happy did not make her happy. I think she is struggling within herself with respect to how much she wants to rebel.

Meds might be helpful to her, though for that you need a live pdoc who can write up scripts.

I am thinking she is dissatisfied with the compromise you are at, though as you said, that is the nature of compromise: All parties involved give up some of the stuff they want, so that all parties involved can get some of the stuff they want.

She may also be disappointed with her role of motherhood (which then probably stirs up guilt, and puts her on the defensive). It is sad if she can't love her own kids, like she probably wishes she could.

Eventually, she will probably arrive at some kind of acceptance about things. She needs to. This will be a slow process, and you will need the patience of Job. You can look at it and say, "Her anger makes no sense." But emotions don't always conform themselves to reason. Her anger comes from somewhere deep within, buried under its secrets and perhaps bolstered by chemical turmoil.

Life changes; people change. It may be slow change, but tremendous forces may be at work to make the change. Something will calve off that glacier eventually.
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  #70  
Old 02-22-2013, 03:07 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Well date night turned out nice. During dinner wife talked about our counselling session the previous night. She took to heart the suggestion to find things to do with the girls she enjoys, and she put a lot of thought into that. She also is seriously considering spending less time around her divorced friends who have a lot of free time, another idea from the counsellor.

Then after dinner we met up with some of our friends at a bar and enjoyed some tasty beverages. The girl that I currently have the hots for was there, and it was great getting to spend some quality time with her. I HAVE to muster the courage to actually ask her out sometime.
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