I love my weekends again.
I am definitely back to a place of loving my weekends again. I remember when I started this blog I was starting to dread them, and the non-stop challenges that they brought to me emotionally, and physically as stress started to manifest in my body. This weekend? This weekend was fucking awesome, and it dawned on me that my life is in a place where I am in love with it again.
Friday night Elemental was treated to a night in a corporate box at a game, and headed out on the party bus with a bunch of dudes from work. He was so excited, and I was equally excited to have the house to myself for the night. Sushi, painted my toenails, watched Sex and the City and had a glass of wine. It was so lovely and relaxing to just chill at home, and I was sleepy as a baby curled up in bed by the time he got back.
Saturday morning sleepins, coffee and breakfast in bed followed by unrushed and delicious sex. Didn't get up to a whole lot, then headed out to the city together to meet friends for coffee. Hung out in a foursome for a bit with one of my best girlfriends and Elemental's best girlfriend and her partner, and when I got the "I want time with my friends" nudge from Elemental made my excuses and headed out. We window shopped, and ended up at our favourite slutty shoeshop, which happened to be going out of business - she picked up the RADDEST shiny white go-go boots, and I *almost* bought the most ridiculous boots I have ever seen. I've since cracked and asked her to go back and grab them for me, and already have a club outfit planned around them. Bought some uber sexy/unusual undies for another fetish outfit.
I met Elemental outside of a coffee shop and we headed over to Olive's to pick her up for a dinner date. With her and I both on our moons, and her coming down with a cold we postponed sexy times and went for a delicious Thai dinner instead. Thai spice ALWAYS makes me feel better when I'm ill, and she was noticeably perkier by the time dinner was over. We flirted and talked, and I gifted her with a present I had picked up on-line for her the week before. She has a fifties themed kitchen, and I got her one of those KittyCat clocks with the eyes that move - she had mentioned that she thought it would finish the kitchen perfectly, but had no idea where to get one. She was SO shocked that I had thought of her, and was super touched, which made me squee, as I love giving presents something fierce.
Back to her place, we dropped her off. I am so old fashioned on dates, always opening doors for her. I hugged her goodnight, cheek kisses and plans to have our first sleepover next Friday if she can switch nights at work. Another little rush of happy watching Elemental wish her goodnight. So stressfree, it's kind of awesome to have such low expectations and high fun zones going on with her. Bought tix for a upcoming show for the three of us, and we're all looking forward to that as well.
Have had a couple more peeps of interest from some other ladies, but have to say that I'm done with anything even remotely resembling power dating. No more overscheduling, complicating, dramatic bullshit for me, thanks.
An interesting development happened a couple of weeks ago for Elemental and I. We were staying over at a friend's house, and in the morning Elemental went to make us coffees. He was hungry, and found some cookies in the cupboard and ended up eating one... then another one. About forty minutes later, he started feeling very strange, and realized that he was totally high. It was kind of hilarious, to be honest, and he was a DREAM to be around all day - he was so easygoing and giggly, cute and agreeable. We had some long wait times to meet up with people, and he was just so chill about it - not his usual self, prone to anxiety and irritability. Before I met Elemental he was totally chronic - smoking more than once a day. I had been straightedged for so long already, and told him that I wasn't really interested in dating someone with a drug habit. He dropped it like it was hot, and aside from a few tokes here and there at parties, has largely left it behind.
That day was interesting for me. To see Elemental so relaxed and chilled out, I said with all seriousness, "Dude, maybe you should be smoking pot now and then to take the edge off of your anxiety." He seemed surprised that I would say something like that, and we talked about the fact that he has been so responsible about drug use over the past few years and how that had really made me trust his ability to partake in moderation. I told him I would be comfortable with him using it recreationally if he wanted to. He thought about it for a couple of weeks, and talked about it with me, and ended up having a friend hook him up in the city this weekend. I helped him pick a pipe yesterday, and was oddly supportive about the whole thing - didn't even get a twinge of "This is not okay with me." It's an interesting development in our relationship - we've been working really hard on honesty with each other, and he has expressed a desire to smoke once, maybe twice a week.
In some ways I feel that the straight path is the only way to truly face your issues and be at peace with yourself. To not muddy the waters with drugs, and cloud your own journey with substitutions for true spiritual awakenings and experiences. I have smoked, and dealt a fuckton of pot in my day, but in my early twenties decided to step completely away from drugs. I have been adamant about not using them, and have done a lot of healing without the influence of drugs confusing me. Felt like my usage of them affected my self esteem greatly, and being drugfree was the right choice for me for a long time. Because of all of that it was a surprise to me last night when I decided to get high with Elemental, and even more of a surprise that I had a really, really fun time. We couldn't keep our hands off each other, making out like teenagers all over the house, and I got the giggles/grins something fierce. I made us a really lovely vegan dinner, and after some snuggles he headed out to his shop to organize and I tore the entire kitchen apart with some awesome music playing on my headphones. Totally reorganized and more functional, I was eating Doritos like a fuckin' champ and loving life. We had a hot tub, and then had some crazy good sex - came like gangbusters listening to the new Emancipator album, and he hit his lover-man stride and broke into a thousand pieces when he came. It was pretty damn fun. I hadn't done drugs in over eleven years and had no idea what to expect when I heard the click in my mind that said, "Oh we are SO trying that!". I can't see it being a regular occurrence because I do enjoy life just as it is, but I can see imbibing from time to time - mostly for the amplification of sex, music and art, which is what I used to enjoy it the most for in my past.
It's funny - how at times in life control over certain aspects seems so important. Being married to a man who had a secret crack addiction changed my feelings around drugs in a way that nothing else had, and I was petrified of future partners using. Now that I've seen that E. can take it or leave it, I realize how recreational it is in his psychology, and that's enough for me to feel comfortable with him doing what feels right for him. I also respect that he was good to me around it for all of these years.
This past year has been so interesting for me. So intensely challenging, and utterly awakening. I like this self examination shit. I like looking deep inside of myself and finding what works for me, re-evaluating as needed, and shifting to answer my deeper truths. Over and over again, I am reminded of Shel Silverstein's simple, and solid-genius-quote:
"There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
"I feel this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong."
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What's right for you--just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.”
How interesting. How interesting indeed.
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