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Old 02-17-2013, 02:23 PM
jmk jmk is offline
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Default lion and crab-lion

i am a big astrology buff and i am attributing our signs to ourselves....i think that this will be my way of titling us....i am no longer jen i am the crab!

and you add in the two~faced twin, you have my dynamic. so we are the lion, the crab and the twin....what does that make d?....absent. being in California at the time, she is no longer really a lover, but a true long-distance girlfriend, and we get along fine.

i am technically right now involved in a v...me and my lion for ever and a day...or 17 years as friends and 15 years as lovers. he and the twin have been acquaintances for 10 years and girlfriend/not quite lovers for 1. both households hit hard times and we lived together for almost 7 months. that was the hardest 7 months of my life. she just moved out in january, but now we are to my dilemma.

the twin has become dependent on the lion. she needs contact every day. she is understandably upset with a growth that she found in her lower pelvic area that has to be biopsied next week. i understand that. and i feel like shit begrudging her the time she needs to spend with her close friend/almost lover. but i am so fucking tired of hearing her name. i want a twin free and i mean free day, and i am not going to get it. i understand if i want my freedom in further relationships, i need to give him his....but i don't like it.

d. was always a state away, and she was so fucking independent that i have no issues with their relationship. they have been together almost from the start of our open relationship, and she is a dear and valued family friend.

i hate living in the same town as the twin, just a 10 minute walking distance from our house. she lived in the next town over when this started and i could handle that as we had time apart, neither had a car to get back and forth with consistently. this close proximity has wrought problems that i didn't foresee, being so open minded and all that.

i know that the relationship between the lion and the twin is fraught with sparks, adding fire and air. it seems up to me sometimes to be the water to drown out the flames.... blah.
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crab-lion: 42 y/o bi woman domestic partner w/lion
lion: 39 male hetero domestic partner w/crab-lion
twin: bi woman lion's girlfriend/almost lover
d: hetero woman lion's long distance girlfriend
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  #2  
Old 02-18-2013, 02:29 AM
jmk jmk is offline
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Question

why do i feel like this? this raging need to cry, scream or take her by her red hair and slam her head in a wall for asking him to come over to have dinner with her and her son, and because they will be drinking, he should spend the night? i don't know. i wish i did and knew where it came from, so i could go in with a knife and cut the shit out. i hate being jealous, hate feeling slighted, but i hate explaining to my kids again why daddy is not home to say goodnight. but it's a perfectly valid point, and one i would have made myself.

~it don't get like this when i know it's wednesday or saturday (their date night where he stays over there overnight) but it is on the days that they aren't "supposed" to be together that i get this upset. i don't have any rights to be upset... except that we agreed that i didn't want him to spend 4 nights a week over there, and she finds ways to get him to come over additional nights other than his date nights. they "have" to connect one way or another every day. its never instead of, which i would be good with, it's in addition to~

she might have cancer damnit! she is allowed to want time with her boyfriend and have him hang with her and her son! and she is allowed to favor being in a hetero relationship with him after her break-up with her lesbian lover than to show interest in me. she didn't even know i had a crush until after they fell in love. and he is allowed to go and do his own thing in his own time with whom-ever he pleases. if i want my freedom, i have to give him his. he can't help it that i don't have anyone really to talk to or work this out with. he can't help it that i really haven't chosen to have a life, i have hidden in my room for the past x years and watched the children. that is my doing.

but joining a poly dating site is my doing...joining this forum is my doing as well. and writing this shit down. and actually voicing the fact that i am not bound by society's idea of what love and morality and partnership means. that i am available to fall in love even while i love my asshole lion. maybe someone will be able to help me work out these stupid emotions and give me some like minded people to discourse with, develop relationships and maybe help me not be so lonely. i need to come out of my shell and face my fears, and allow people to know me.
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crab-lion: 42 y/o bi woman domestic partner w/lion
lion: 39 male hetero domestic partner w/crab-lion
twin: bi woman lion's girlfriend/almost lover
d: hetero woman lion's long distance girlfriend
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  #3  
Old 02-18-2013, 07:57 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Hey there, sounds like you're having some serious stress. I'm a... twin as you say, and most of the important relationships of my life have been lions. Every time I look at horoscopes (and I do regularly, because I put a good chunk of stock in it) for gemini women with other signs, it often talks about how twins like variety and it's hard to keep up with them. From my experience at least, twins and lions mesh very well, though it's got its share of misunderstandings (as you say, sparks). Err..I've yet to date a crab so I have nothing to throw in there about your dynamic.

So as this is a blog post and not a regular forum post I won't ask too many questions, but, you sound really unhappy right now. Sounds like you liked her too but she's mostly interested in your male partner, and you're less than thrilled about a V vs a triad? Mainly because it sounds like you are feeling neglected (and haven't set down firm agreements about time). I don't know if you have a primary secondary model or not, but regardless, the important thing is to make sure you are getting your needs met. If you aren't, even if she has become dependent on daily support from him, if you need a 24 hour period (or more) for just you two, it's not a bad thing, and it doesn't make you, a bad person, to ask for this (emergency text sure! it sounds like you would like her to seek other friends/family/partner sources for comfort). If there isn't a clear end in sight, letting yourself suck up the unhappy forever isn't a good solution.

I encourage you to ask for specific help in the forum area, and I'm always open to pm's if you want to vent/ask questions privately. It seems like a lot of people newer to poly ..fear making their wants and needs clear to their partners, and allow a lot of misery in when it could be avoided. I'll also throw in..I've yet to meet a lion who could help me grow as a person, maybe it's different with a crab, but in gemini/leo, gemini is the pusher of growth. I say that so if your dynamic is similar, don't be too disappointed if he can't help you out of your hiding or help you figure things out, you may just have to drive your bus to find ways to help yourself.

I'll just say as a lion dater...you need to be FIRM about what you want. Ask for it, and clarify because they will misinterpret it if it suits them (not maliciously, just because they are people pleasers). Maybe this isn't the case for your situation but, thought I'd throw it out there in case it rings true.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 02-18-2013 at 03:34 PM.
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Old 02-18-2013, 10:29 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Damn, I got all excited thinking this was an L5R thread XD
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Old 02-18-2013, 12:54 PM
jmk jmk is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Helo View Post
Damn, I got all excited thinking this was an L5R thread XD
lol! sorry to get your hopes up!
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crab-lion: 42 y/o bi woman domestic partner w/lion
lion: 39 male hetero domestic partner w/crab-lion
twin: bi woman lion's girlfriend/almost lover
d: hetero woman lion's long distance girlfriend
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  #6  
Old 02-18-2013, 01:05 PM
jmk jmk is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
.I've yet to meet a lion who could help me grow as a person, maybe it's different with a crab, but in gemini/leo, gemini is the pusher of growth. I say that so if your dynamic is similar, don't be too disappointed if he can't help you out of your hiding or help you figure things out, you may just have to drive your bus to find ways to help yourself.

I'll just say as a lion dater...you need to be FIRM about what you want. Ask for it, and clarify because they will misinterpret it if it suits them (not maliciously, just because they are people pleasers). Maybe this isn't the case for your situation but, thought I'd throw it out there in case it rings true.
these are two very true paragraphs. he doesn't understand my hiding at all. we aren't really new to the arena, 13 years of work on this open relationship, but mine has been mostly academic, i haven't followed through with actual act, as he was very controlling about .... EVERYTHING!!! i am just to the point, maybe because i am approaching crone-dom that i don't accept the control anymore.

cancer/crabs are EMOTION (which drives him crazy), caring, nurturing, "motherish", we are ruled by the moon (and he is ruled by the sun) and we are very private people who tend to stay safe in the shell that protects that soft interior and not venture out. we can be lazy, possessive (bites me in the butt every time) and ....crabby! and to add insult to injury, i am a "cusp" cancer...i was born right before the sign change to leo, so i also have tendencies for drama, extroversion (my acting ) and i have a pretty wicked temper too. i just don't show it.

yes, this will be my blog area, but am always welcome to input, advise, questions, criticisms and concerns. thank you for your advise!
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crab-lion: 42 y/o bi woman domestic partner w/lion
lion: 39 male hetero domestic partner w/crab-lion
twin: bi woman lion's girlfriend/almost lover
d: hetero woman lion's long distance girlfriend
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  #7  
Old 02-18-2013, 01:10 PM
jmk jmk is offline
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and yes...for future clarification...we are in a vee, with the lion and the crab in the primary in the same household and the twin is the secondary in a separate apartment in the same town. it feels more like an even split, which is NOT what i was planning for in the first place, not a pri/sec. relationship. but he and i do a lot of ASS-U-ME-ing and are working on that.
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crab-lion: 42 y/o bi woman domestic partner w/lion
lion: 39 male hetero domestic partner w/crab-lion
twin: bi woman lion's girlfriend/almost lover
d: hetero woman lion's long distance girlfriend
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Old 02-18-2013, 01:32 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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You might want to read the last few pages of NYCindie's blog. Her (boy)friend got another (girl)friend who did have cancer. Cindie struggled with a bit of possessiveness and guilt when he would go off to caretake this other woman on a regular basis, breaking dates with Cindie to do so... Not an easy situation.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-05-2014 at 02:54 AM.
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Old 02-18-2013, 03:44 PM
jmk jmk is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You might want to read the last few pages of NYCindie's blog. Her (boy)friend got another (girl)friend who did have cancer. Cindie struggled with a bit of possessiveness and guilt when he would go off to caretake this other woman on a regular basis, breaking dates with Cindie to do so... Not an easy situation.
thanks i will
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crab-lion: 42 y/o bi woman domestic partner w/lion
lion: 39 male hetero domestic partner w/crab-lion
twin: bi woman lion's girlfriend/almost lover
d: hetero woman lion's long distance girlfriend

Last edited by nycindie; 05-05-2014 at 02:54 AM.
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  #10  
Old 02-20-2013, 02:11 PM
jmk jmk is offline
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posts are going to be short and to the point for the next few weeks. severely broke my elbow, need surgery and cast. one handed typist right now, blah! skating with my girls, i am not 16 any more. only fell once. ouch.
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crab-lion: 42 y/o bi woman domestic partner w/lion
lion: 39 male hetero domestic partner w/crab-lion
twin: bi woman lion's girlfriend/almost lover
d: hetero woman lion's long distance girlfriend
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