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  #31  
Old 02-17-2013, 08:20 AM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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@Schrodinger... where's the "like" button when you need it? I agree with you on every word there.
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  #32  
Old 02-17-2013, 05:01 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, I often say thank god I am poly. My primary's sex drive comes and goes... she gets angsty and emotional about stuff and it seems to kill her sex drive. Whereas when I am emotionally stressed, I enjoy sex as a stress reliever.

So, in the 4 years she and I have been together, I've almost always had a lover or 2 or 3, some were intimate, with returned feeling of fondness, some were mere playpartners. The last year, I've had a real bf -- a romantic, intimate and sexual relationship.

However, even though I have an overnight sex filled date with him one day a week, I still feel frustrated with and rejected by my gf when she is in her sexless slumps, on the other days of the week and month!

She is still romantic and intimate, naked and cuddly and kissy on her "no sex" days, which makes things worse. I get turned on and can't express myself by fucking her. On those sexless times of the month I feel more like her mom or caretaker than her lover. Bleh. She always comes back around, but I am such a horndog (like NYCindie) it kinda drives me nuts.
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  #33  
Old 02-24-2013, 07:30 PM
Blu Blu is offline
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I would say that friends are friends and lovers are lovers - however you define the difference between the two, there is still a distinct difference.

For example, I know that some asexual people date each other and they love each other, but they don't "have sex" on any sort of regular basis, if at all.
However, the definition of sex can be as loose as any genital contact, and I know that most people think of sex strictly as the act of penetration. So these people in "nonsexual" relationships might have their sex - by cuddling, kissing, etc. - but the community simply doesn't recognize that as "having sex" in the traditional sense.

Also, it is important to realize that there are MANY different forms of love that can be present; romantic and sexual are just two examples that I will use here.
For instance, one might be attracted to someone romantically, but not sexually (resulting in the relationship in question); or sexually, but not romantically (resulting in the well-known friends-with-benefits relationship).
Just because a relationship has no "sex" in it, doesn't mean it's not an intimate, romantic relationship.
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  #34  
Old 02-24-2013, 08:03 PM
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undefinable undefinable is offline
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Wow, this thread has got me to thinking. This is all opinion, none of it is fact. I am not lecturing, its just easier for me to speak my mind in a very linear way. Plus I am not sure I understand my own positions fully, so if you disagree with something I said, please please please offer a counter argument.

First, relationships are not for outsiders to define. Nobody can stand on the outside, look in, and say "That is not a valid relationship for XXXXX reason." A persons interactions with another person is a relationship. Their goals, desires, and the purpose the relationship serves will likely never be fully understood by someone outside of it.

Second, sex is one of the potential components of a relationship, not the component. Many relationships lack in something that for me, personally, I would not go without. That doesn't make them less valid, or satisfying, it just makes them different.

Third, relationship is a catchall term, and many other specific terms just don't really adequately describe a situation. Adding labels is dangerous in this respect, because it assumes understanding of communication. There is no way I could possibly describe the relationship I have with my wife, or anyone else for that matter, in one sentence. So I say "my wife" and assume you understand "This is the woman I married, and she supports me emotionally, and we have bonded our lives together permanently, and we understand each other better than anyone else we have ever met, and I would do anything in this world to spare her pain, and I tolerate her family at times, and like them at others, and we are a good team, and I love her absolutely." No mention of sex in there, anywhere (Its amazing, BTW) but by stating she is my wife, it is usually assumed that we do in fact have sex.

Can a sexless/nonsexual/asexual partnership exist? Sure, I think they can. Do I have a desire for a relationship of this nature? Not particularly, but who knows what the future will bring. Would I ever be satisfied with letting someone else label any relationship I had with anyone else for their own convenience? Hell no.

Or, you know, maybe I have no idea at all.
TTFN,
Tim
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Last edited by undefinable; 02-24-2013 at 08:06 PM. Reason: went on a bit of a grammatical adventure there at one point
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  #35  
Old 02-25-2013, 02:37 PM
Blu Blu is offline
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@undefinable
Haha yes! I love your response!
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  #36  
Old 02-27-2013, 01:18 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blu View Post
However, the definition of sex can be as loose as any genital contact, and I know that most people think of sex strictly as the act of penetration. So these people in "nonsexual" relationships might have their sex - by cuddling, kissing, etc. - but the community simply doesn't recognize that as "having sex" in the traditional sense.
An act is either sexual or it is not. I don't mean that absolutely, but rather from the point of view of each person involved in the act. An asexual will not think of cuddling and kissing as "having their sex" in a non-traditional sense. If they were thinking of those as sexual acts, then they would not be asexual.

That's not to say asexuals and non-sexual relationships don't have intimacy. In the example above, cuddling and kissing is their intimacy, as it is with many sexual couples as well.

In other words, saying a relationship is non-sexual doesn't just mean "we don't have coitus, but we do other stuff and just call it sex." It means "we don't do anything that we describe or feel as sexual." For some people, cuddling and kissing are nothing but foreplay. For those people, cuddling and kissing are sexual because they are part of the overall sexual act. But for others, cuddling and kissing can be non-sexual, intimate acts in and of themselves.
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  #37  
Old 03-01-2013, 05:36 AM
Blu Blu is offline
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@Schrodinger
Good catch there - I agree with you.
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  #38  
Old 03-01-2013, 03:47 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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I think in terms of what's sexual and what's not its all in the delivery.

A look can be sexual, a passing graze of fingers can be sexual, even a slight body language movement can be sexual.

As SC mentioned tho, all of these thing can be neutral as well. Kissing and cuddling is a different dynamic for all. For example, kissing, to my SO, is a precursor to foreplay, to me it's just a small act of intimacy, a reminder of affection so it is.

Is it safe to assume that every time partners looks at each other it is not going to be of sexual connotation every time? Sometimes there's just a gaze to remember and study. Commit to memory.
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  #39  
Old 03-02-2013, 03:08 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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This all reminds me of the subjectivity of sexual harassment. There are few "clear cut" cases of sexual harassment, since it's defined as unwanted sexual attention as perceived by the recipient or observer. So a married couple kissing goodbye in the office could be considered sexual harassment to an overly sensitive onlooker, whereas even an ass slap could be considered just good fun if all participants and observers see it that way.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #40  
Old 03-02-2013, 04:41 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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^^This is true. 14 year old me was shown a penis for the first time and was mortified. Even pressed charges that didn't stuck. I realized oI over reacted. Now I look back and miss that innocence....NOT!
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