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Old 02-16-2013, 02:25 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 278

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Poor guy. Are some women really like that?
Yup. They cray cray.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Men have a hard enough figuring out the female brain without adding all those bullshit complications.
I heart you.
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
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Old 02-16-2013, 05:41 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

Frankly, with everyone having so much anxiety about holidays at the end of last year, I sort of thought there would be more threads like this.

My VD was just fine. Today, however, brought an interesting conversation with CBF (broke up with him on New Year's day, and we just ended our no-contact). Valentines came up and he was talking about how he thought about doing something for me, and then thought about that we did, ahem, break up, and then said he'd thought about getting me a card. I told him I was really glad he didn't. All the years we were together, all I wanted was a card. I pleaded, I explained, I cajoled. The first year, I got nothing. The second year, I got a cheap stuffed dog with a rose in it's mouth. Two years ago, I got the most stunning flowers I'd ever received. Last year I got a sapphire necklace (or maybe that was three and two years ago ~ I don't tell time very well). The point is, he improved.

So I told him that if he had, in fact, gotten me a card, AFTER we broke up, I would have been very angry. So I was really grateful to have no acknowledgement of it between us.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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Old 02-16-2013, 09:51 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
So I got home from school yesterday, husband was already home from his work trip, gabbing on the phone because that's what he loves to do. When he finally gets off, he's like "So, you said not to get you anything for Valentine's, right?" Me: "Yeah." Him: "K. Cuz I didn't." Me: "Uhh, ok. So?" Him: "Well, I told that to Rae [his daughter] and she said 'It's a test! You'd better get her something, Dad!' but I was pretty sure you said not to, so I didn't." Me: "Yeah, that's fine." Him: "Ok good. Because you SAID don't get you anything, so I didn't."
lol. The very first year I was with my SO, somebody asked me if he was getting me a card and taking me out. I told them how much I loathe valentines day - the whole idea of choosing one person over all others and making a day about them annoys me - and said that he and I would not be seeing each other that day.

They replied with "So - if he really doesn't get you a card, will you be upset?"

It took about 5 mins of conversation for me to convince them that I wasn't joking or playing games with my SO - and that I would be quite annoyed with him if he did buy a card or a present for valentines day.

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Old 02-16-2013, 07:10 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Yelm, Washington
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Ha, my brother and sister-in-law were just the opposite. On some recent holiday where they agreed not to get gifts for each other, he got a gift for her, and was hurt that she didn't get a gift for him. He even admitted then that he had agreed to the no-gift-giving thing. But he was still all upset about it.

So guys are guilty of it too, not just gals. Who knew.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 02-16-2013, 09:21 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Posts: 306

I actually had the best Vday ever this year! It's also DH's bday and so we really don't do stuff much on the actual day. Shortest month of the year has my bday, DH's bday, our wedding anniversary, and DC's bday. Busy month! So we rarely pin down a specific day. Well DH took two days off, the kids had Fri. off too. So on his bday, no kids, I got up early to take them in, let him sleep in. Once he was up I had changed into something a little lacy and red and put on an apron, making him a lovely omelet for breakfast. We watched a show together just us, we had some private time, then went out and ate at the mall food court. (I could have my japanese and he could have pizza!) We window shopped, then picked up the kids. Spent the evening relaxing, private time, and getting DH a few things. Even upgraded his phone to a smart phone for him to geek out and play with! During the day I texted DC a couple of times to wish him a happy Vday and tell him I loved him. The next day, kids home, we went out that morning to run errands and had breakfast just the two of us and talked and had fun. He went to work out while the kids and I picked up their friend for a sleepover and they just HAD to get DH an icecream birthday cake. Stopped by the mall, got some jewelry on sale for the girls for Vday and the middle one and I each split a pair of earrings and got our right ear pierced up high. Then it was home, some sugar, some tv, some private time again and some sleep!

All in all it was about pampering DH and making sure he had a good bday this year and we all had a great time! Oh and DC was not feeling at all rejected as he was hoping we'd spend time together for DH's bday and he and I have chatted and texted the last few days. He doesn't really celebrate Vday anyway and when I say you don't have to get me anything, I mean it! So it was nice!
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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Old 02-17-2013, 03:16 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Hey Rocker

So, I went through your old posts to try and figure out a few things. Have you and Michael only been dating since around December?

I guess, the Valentine's thing aside, I'm looking a bit beyond the actual question and wondering what else might be going on. I know you said that Danny had an attraction towards Michael? Has that passed now? Or is it doubly hard for him because he's battling envy *and* jealousy?

If it has only been a few months since you started dating, how fast have you moved? How often have you been seeing Michael? Could it all be a little too fast to reasonably expect Danny to get on board with it? Are you being considerate, patient, supportive, reassuring and loving? Are you ensuring that NRE isn't getting the better of you?

On the other hand, is Danny owning his own issues? When he feels something, can he work out why and come to you for support, rather than a 'fix'?

Finally, something really struck me as the bottom line of all this.

I choose to follow a hierarchical model of poly - nobody is forcing me to do that. For me, it means that I will always put my primary first, because that is what primary means - primary partner, priority person, person I want to be with for the rest of my life, person that means the most to me. That doesn't mean I'm a slave to my primary's every whim - but it does mean that if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I try to think about what will be the best course of action for our future, rather than what I want in the moment.

I do agree that if Michael has chosen to get involved with you, not as a joint primary, but as a secondary, it is going to come with some realistic boundaries and maybe even pitfalls from his perspective. Did you, Danny and Michael ever agree on a dating schedule, or did you sort of drift into seeing Michael as much as you wanted to?

Being the V is hard, so I've been told.... ~grins~ My GF tells me all the time. It's a massive balancing act, for sure. But you can't be responsible for anyone else's feelings - you can only control the way you behave and the way you outline your own expectations.

Anecdote-wise... I am a joint primary to my GF. Her husband is the other primary. She sleeps in their bed most of the time. We agreed pretty early on that she would spend the night with him on Valentine's Day, his birthday, her birthday, Christmas, etc. Those things don't matter to me. I also don't mind if she only spends two nights a week in my bed. I like sleeping with the cats and dogs anyway... At first, her husband was so upset about her sleeping in my room that he would pace around the house at 4am, coughing and making us aware of his distress. It took about 6 months, but he seems to sleep soundly now. We took it slow, but kept it balanced by making intentions and expectations clear. Perhaps you could have that kind of talk with your guys, if you haven't already? i.e. discuss realistic, measurable scheduling and plans for *how* slow you need to go for Danny? Then outlining and discussing these with Michael?
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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