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Old 02-14-2013, 10:02 PM
RockerChick RockerChick is offline
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Default "Happy" Valentine's Day? Sigh.

As a reminder, I'm still new at this, so ...

Of course, it's V-Day. I'm not much for celebrating Hallmark Holidays, and my primary hubby, Danny, and my bf, Michael, know this. And since this poly thing is so new to all of us, I agreed with Danny to stay home with him this evening (and not see Michael) so he doesn't feel abandoned on this stupid holiday (he's been dealing with some major abandonment issues).

However, my bf is having a very hard time today because he'll be alone tonight when he gets home from work. I ache to see him, but I have no desire to cause pain to Danny, and the reason I agreed to staying home was to help Danny while he's adjusting to my polyamory (and Michael has agreed that this is a good idea). The problem is that not seeing each other is becoming more painful by the day for Michael and me and, really, more so for MIchael because he lives alone.

This started with all three of us hanging out together regularly, and it was great at first. It's always been a "V" with me and the two men, and splitting time was easy at first. Now, Danny is having emotional trouble because he sees that Michael and I have become very attached to each other, and Michael and I have agreed to slow and down and allow Danny time to adjust. The problem is that, in the meantime, Michael and I are feeling some very real pain of separation, Michael more so than I because of living alone.

I know I need to continue to be patient if this is ever going to work. We've all talked of cohabitating at some point, but that will be some time away yet before that can work financially. For now, though, I'm very concerned about Michael. I want to reach out to comfort him, yet I can't do so at this time without hurting Danny. It seems there is no easy solution right now.

Anyway, thanks for giving me a place to share this. Sometimes I wish I wasn't polyamorous.
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:23 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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There's a member here who uses the phrase First World Problems.

I don't mean to be cruel, but he's an adult. He agreed to a relationship with a married woman. There are far worse things than spending Valentine's Day alone.
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:40 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Are Danny's feelings really so strong that he couldn't handle you taking 5 minutes out to call Michael and brighten up his evening? Would that really make him feel abandoned?

That said, I gotta agree at least a little with the last poster -- someone dating a person in a primary relationship should pretty much expect not to see that person on V-day. I mean, you can only be in one place at a time, and like it or not, most people define "romantic evening" as "just the two of us". Can you guys have a special day this weekend, or next week?
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:53 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
He agreed to a relationship with a married woman.
On its face, I agree with this. Since it sounds like these two men have a distinct ranking, the secondary is just going to have to suck it up or make adjustments if he is not ok with being ranked as a secondary priority.

If you treat these to people as independent adults then they both sound like they need to work on their dependency issues. The fact that you can only be in one place at a time is irrelevant, what is most relevant is that you are not personally responsible for the happiness of either of these fellows. I'm sure you *do* make them happy at times, but that is not (or shouldn't be) because it's your job.
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:53 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I kinda have to go with WH here. So many people are miserable and single and today just reminds them how single they are. Both of your guys have you in their lives. Sure, they would both like that to look a little differently... but all things considered, they're not doing too bad.

There are a number of bars in my city having anti-Valentines parties.

Really, it's just another day. You said it first: it's a Hallmark Holiday. People celebrate their love 365 days a year. But today, they celebrate it with cards and candy.

I specifically told both my partners that I didn't want to do anything special this year - no cards, presents, dinners, or anything. On a whim this morning, I did send them a "Happy Valentine's Day" text. I copied the same message from one and forwarded it to the other, that's how much of a big deal I made about it :P

It could be worse. My husband is spending the day flying from Prince George to Edmonton, via Vancouver, and then driving the rest of the way to Saskatoon. My girlfriend is working late and then has to get ready for her drag show this weekend. So no big romance on my front either. But so what? We celebrate our love every time we get together. Hallmark can go fuck itself :P
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Old 02-15-2013, 07:37 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Valentine's Day...

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Old 02-15-2013, 03:20 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Because polyamory is new to you guys, you need to be really sensitive to Danny's needs now. He's trying to accomodate another lover for his wife, and this takes a lot of trust, time, commitment, and communication. I'm in the position that Danny is in now, so I totally relate to him. He needs to KNOW he is the primary. For now, in his mind, that means he wants the holidays with you. That's not to say things won't change down the road if he gets more comfortable with this new relationship dynamic and you and Danny are in a good place and he's having all his needs met.

I'm with the above posters. Michael knew what he was getting into with a married woman. He should EXPECT the primary to want to spend the holidays with his wife, ESPECIALLY Valentine's Day, which is marketed as a holiday for that "one" special someone in your life. I'm not saying that's fair or that's what Michael or you want, but that is Danny's take on things, and you need to let him adjust to polyamory at his pace.
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Old 02-15-2013, 09:10 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Maybe this is a good chance to reject Valentines day entirely?

I loathe the whole concept of it. I found it easier to deal with when I was single - because nobody expected me to do anything with it. Now I sometimes get asked if my SO and I are doing anything for it - not usually more than once by the same person, though.

Yesterday, I sent a happy valentines message to a lovely friend of mine because I know she's into it and is single and not happy about being so right now. I sent another one to my friends who are married to each other (they got together on a big group valentines night out 21 years ago - with some help from the whole group ).

I took C for a walk in the countryside, ate dinner, spoke to my SO on the phone (as we do daily) and went to bed.

Thankfully my SO feels the same way as I do about Valentines day so we don't exchange cards or talk about it - other than to express annoyance about the whole thing.

I say ditch the whole thing - it's way less stressful than putting a whole lot of expectation and pressure on a single day.
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Old 02-15-2013, 11:29 PM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
Maybe this is a good chance to reject Valentines day entirely?

I loathe the whole concept of it. I found it easier to deal with when I was single - because nobody expected me to do anything with it. Now I sometimes get asked if my SO and I are doing anything for it - not usually more than once by the same person, though.

Yesterday, I sent a happy valentines message to a lovely friend of mine because I know she's into it and is single and not happy about being so right now. I sent another one to my friends who are married to each other (they got together on a big group valentines night out 21 years ago - with some help from the whole group ).

I took C for a walk in the countryside, ate dinner, spoke to my SO on the phone (as we do daily) and went to bed.

Thankfully my SO feels the same way as I do about Valentines day so we don't exchange cards or talk about it - other than to express annoyance about the whole thing.

I say ditch the whole thing - it's way less stressful than putting a whole lot of expectation and pressure on a single day.
This, so much this so HARD!
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=DISCLAIMER=
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
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  #10  
Old 02-16-2013, 02:11 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Valentine's Anecdote...

So I got home from school yesterday, husband was already home from his work trip, gabbing on the phone because that's what he loves to do. When he finally gets off, he's like "So, you said not to get you anything for Valentine's, right?" Me: "Yeah." Him: "K. Cuz I didn't." Me: "Uhh, ok. So?" Him: "Well, I told that to Rae [his daughter] and she said 'It's a test! You'd better get her something, Dad!' but I was pretty sure you said not to, so I didn't." Me: "Yeah, that's fine." Him: "Ok good. Because you SAID don't get you anything, so I didn't."

Poor guy. Are some women really like that? Yech. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Men have a hard enough figuring out the female brain without adding all those bullshit complications.
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