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Old 02-14-2013, 08:17 AM
kstoney7 kstoney7 is offline
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Im desperatly in love with a woman who is married but wants to be with both me and her husband. I have known her for almost 15 years and i fell in love with her the first time i saw her. We lost touch about 9 years ago and just recently got back in touch. I told her i was still in love with her, but she didnt really say anything. I mean she is married with 4 kids. So for the last 1 and a half years we have been talking. I made a trip out to where she lives, it was the first time i saw her in 9 years. When i saw her i knew i still loved her. I have been with other women and had serious relationships with them but she was always in the back of my mind and always in the forefront of my heart. I compared the women i was with to her. Mind you these were some of the most horrific partners a girl could have and of course they never came close to her. I have loved this woman every day for the last 15 years without fail. So i tell her i love her and come to find out she is in love with me too. But she wants to be with me and her husband at the same time. She has yet to tell her husband of this love she has for me. I honestly dont know how he would react to it. When i went out there to visit we joked around at the idea and he seemed ok with it. I guess because im a woman and not another man. But if she approched him seriously i dont know what he would say. I dont even know how i would do with it. She wants to make me her wife she even bought a ring. So i guess my question is...if he is ok with this how do i learn to love both of them?? How do i learn to live and love the polyamory lifestyle?? Will my jealousy ever go away?? Because right now i am incredibly jealous of him and i dont want to be. She wants me to move out there, to have a life with her. But that means i would have to share her. And i dont know if i could. Does that mean i cant learn to live this way? I want so badly to be with her and have a relationship with her. Please any advice would be great. I go see her in a month and a half and that is when i will either break it off or we will sit down with her husband and talk seriously about it. What do i do?? Can polyamory be learned?? Please help. Thank you in advance
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Old 02-14-2013, 03:21 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,182

I know you love this woman desperately. But wait. If she has not even told her husband that 1) she might be bisexual, 2) she wants a relationship with a woman, 3) that she loves you, and 4) she wants both you and him and wants to be polyamorous. That is a lot to talk about for them! I get the impression she hasn't even brought up the subject except in a joking manner yet.

So, please, please wait to move until they have talked and begun to sort themselves out on this issue. It will take time, assuming he decides he is willing to be poly. It could take a lot of time. (There are so many threads here from one half of a couple wanting advice now that their partner has told them they want to be poly - often because they fell in love with another. Read through these - they may be able to give you some perspective.)

IF they work it out to have a poly or open relationship, you are not required to love him. You are not required to be in a relationship with him beyond what poly folks call being metamours (i.e. your partner's partner). It is super helpful if you like and respect him but also not required. (Not liking or respecting him makes things much, much harder though.)

Also, whoa nelly! Tell your potential girlfriend to slow down there! She hasn't even told her husband of the relationship with you. And she wants to make you her wife and has already bought a ring! WARNING RED FLAG LAND!

I am very fearful that neither of you are fully living in reality. You've had this tortured intermittent intense contact. You put her on a pedestal as the only woman you ever really loved. You compare all others to her. Maybe your other lovers were dreadful people, but did they ever have a chance to build a real relationship with you? You haven't seen each other in 9 years, then reconnect on one trip. You are NOT seeing each other as you really are. You are in romantic fantasy land. And as you really are - both of you - is worthy of love. Real love knows the beloved for who they really are - not a fantasy.

Sometimes the fantasy transitions to real, long lasting love. It can happen. But only if you slow WAY down, get to know each other for real - via long distance if you have to - and she sort things out, honorably and respectfully, with her husband.

Otherwise you are in a fantasy that is going to turn ugly and hurt you terribly very soon.
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Old 02-15-2013, 06:53 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,900

What opalescent said.

I had this thread bookmarked this morning to respond to tonight when I had more time - they covered the points was going to make.

It's ok to build your "castle-in-the-sky" as to how you hope things turn out with you and this woman. It may even come true (mine did with Dude). But there are a LOT of steps and probably a fair amount of confusion/chaos before that can even possibly START to happen in this scenario.

The fact that you are a woman and not another man may, in fact, come into play (it did in our case...the fact that Dude was a guy was a huge stumbling block for MrS, who was always comfortable with the idea of other girls)...on the other hand I have also seen that go the OTHER way. (One of our friends in college - he couldn't stand the fact that his bi girlfriend was attracted to women, that she was attracted to men he got - it meant that she was attracted to HIM, but he viewed her attraction to women as a REJECTION of men, because they could offer him something he felt he couldn't - he felt he couldn't compete with the girls, whereas he was pretty confident that he could stand up against any male "competitors." MrS talked to him, actually, it was a "no go" ... shame too - she was smart, sexy, interesting and was interested in ME...damn.)

I'll just re-iterate a few points - just because you love her doesn't define what your relationship with him has to look like (if this goes down). You don't have to "love" him. If you like and respect him - that helps (both with the practicality of the situation and with your feelings of jealousy). At the very minimum you can be civil and respect her relationship with him (even if you don't respect him for himself).

Hmmm..."Can polyamory be learned?" THAT, my friend is an absolutely FANTASTIC question. (Which probably deserves it's own thread.) That ties in with the debate as to whether poly is "hardwired" or a "choice" (which is endlessly debated here - often being compared to sexuality). I suspect that poly CAN probably be learned...maybe even by the majority of people (although how large of a majority, I am not willing to speculate). If I look at the number of people who are able to love multiple people sequentially (i.e. serial monogamists - however you want to interpret that) I suspect that a number of them might have been polyamorists if THAT was our cultural norm rather than monogamy.

It seems to me that many, many, many people accept what society "tells" them is true as...true. If society told them something ELSE...? For me, I think that my being poly was hugely influenced by reading that I did in my formative years (Heinlein, et al.) combined with being raised in a family that consistently expected us to question authority and make up our own minds. Had I not had that experience, would I be poly now? (just speculation - I did have that exposure/experience - so I will never know)

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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