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  #651  
Old 02-12-2013, 08:55 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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(((((hugs)))))
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35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #652  
Old 02-12-2013, 10:18 PM
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rory rory is offline
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Sorry to hear about your break up, but sounds like you're doing what you need to. Hug!
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  #653  
Old 02-14-2013, 06:02 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yay hugs.

Last night, I hung out with Gia and helped watch Bee while Eric had an evening with Helen. We did an arts & crafts thing, watched cartoons, made dinner, I gave Bee a bath. He's the most adorable thing ever when he's in the water, he loves it so much. When he looks up at me and smiles, droplets of water clinging to his eyelashes, his face so guileless... well, I have a LOT of things to live for, but, if I didn't, that would be enough.

Gia gave me four roses as an early V-day gesture. She'd given a single rose to a friend of ours a couple of days before to congratulate her on a performance. And I noticed that she'd given six to Eric. Heh, it made me laugh to do the math... ok, she likes our friend a quarter as well as she likes me, and she likes me two-thirds as much as she likes Eric...

The flowers were starting to wilt when she gave them to me. I removed the leaves, trimmed the stems way down, and put them in fresh water. In a couple of hours, they perked up and opened beautifully, and they're still that way now, full and gorgeous. Whenever I see them, I can't help but think of it as an allegory for the rewards of receiving every loving gesture with careful attention and appreciation.

This Sunday evening we're going to a queer dance party together, and we have another date scheduled for the end of next month. Between then and now we have a bunch of activities planned -- hanging with friends, going to the gym together, etc.

I've been reflecting on the idea of our relationship potentially being a non-sexual one. I don't know whether she wants me or just sort of wants to want me. I'd never been able to fathom the idea of non-sexual romantic partnerships before, but now it seems more plausible. More plausible, at least, than leaving her life just because there's one thing we don't do together any more.

I'm jumping the gun, of course. Hey, maybe we'll hook up on Sunday.

Davis and I went to a lecture tonight. Afterwards we hung out and talked, had drinks. We went up to my room, talked some more, kissed a little. He wanted to go farther, but I said no. He went home without any protest. I'm just... not sure how I need things to be there.

He seems so sanguine. It's not what I'd expected.

I'm beginning to think about the fact that, after a year and a half, I no longer have any restrictions on my intimate life. I'm thinking I'll wait at least a month before considering reaching out to anyone new (or old for that matter... thinking of Harry, of course).

It would be such an odd thing to actually seek out a stranger on a site like OKC and assess our compatibility (I believe people call that dating?). Definitely not a step I'm ready for at the moment. But it's interesting to think about the fact that I could if I wanted. I've always just sort of let my relationships come to me. How well would I fare if I went out to find one? Would it be worth the time and effort?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #654  
Old 02-14-2013, 02:36 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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The situation with you and Davis sounds a bit confusing. I mean I guess your signature line is right when it says "It's complicated". I hope you can sort it out and be something that both of you are comfortable with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
It would be such an odd thing to actually seek out a stranger on a site like OKC and assess our compatibility (I believe people call that dating?). Definitely not a step I'm ready for at the moment. But it's interesting to think about the fact that I could if I wanted. I've always just sort of let my relationships come to me. How well would I fare if I went out to find one? Would it be worth the time and effort?
Oh, this sounds so familiar. I had exactly the same thoughts a couple of months ago. Online dating is weird in a way. But the good thing about it is that you know beforehand that everyone you date is poly, if that's what you want. Depending on where you live, it can be difficult to find poly people in other ways.
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  #655  
Old 02-14-2013, 06:46 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post

I've been reflecting on the idea of our relationship potentially being a non-sexual one. I don't know whether she wants me or just sort of wants to want me. I'd never been able to fathom the idea of non-sexual romantic partnerships before, but now it seems more plausible. More plausible, at least, than leaving her life just because there's one thing we don't do together any more.

Hi Annabel,

This paragraph you wrote really caught me, and I wanted to toss an idea out there. If I'm way off base, I apologize.

If I understand correctly, you are the first woman Gia has really had a loving and ongoing relationship with, while for you F/F relationships been part of your life for a long time. The same is true of my girlfriend and myself. Because of her health, our relationship stopped being sexual quite a while ago, the same as with you and Gia's pregnancy and new motherhood. As time went on, that aspect of our relationship became more and more unreal to me. I know we used to be sexual, but now in my head it's foggy, more like remembering a dream than anything else, whereas sex with men still seems clear. I've read that neural pathways form with repetition. For me, 30 years of sex with men is ingrained, where sex with a woman for only a year is much more amorphous.

The idea of trying to get back to where we used to be can seem really daunting to me, like having to start all over again with something unknown. The challenge of something new instead of the resumption of something familiar, I guess. Is it possible Gia might be feeling something like that?
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  #656  
Old 02-15-2013, 04:05 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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@SoL: That's an interesting thought, and it may well play a role. It's helpful to be reminded that there are lots of reasons why this might be hard/strange for her. Still, unless I can actually do something about it, I'm trying not to focus too much on any particular explanation, and instead just deal with the reality as it is. I figure that if I use a rationale as a crutch, it'll hurt all the more if it gets taken away... for instance, for a while I was just working under the idea that she wasn't a particularly sexual person, and when she became very interested in sex with Dexter I had a hard time coming to terms with the new reality I was faced with.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #657  
Old 02-15-2013, 04:34 AM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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You make a totally valid point. It's more about your being okay with whatever choices she makes, being okay with whatever happens next, instead of attaching to a theory and seeing it vanish, leaving you drifting. Being okay no matter the outcome....Thank you for explaining that. Again, love your blog.
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  #658  
Old 02-15-2013, 05:10 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mya View Post
The situation with you and Davis sounds a bit confusing. I mean I guess your signature line is right when it says "It's complicated". I hope you can sort it out and be something that both of you are comfortable with.
It IS confusing. I mean, I'm talking about potentially having a non-sexual relationship (more exploration on that topic here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40624) with Gia and a sexual non-relationship with Davis. That would seem pretty backwards to most people, I imagine.

With Gia, I honestly don't think it'll come to that. I mean, we'll see, and I'm trying to become comfortable with the idea just in case, but I believe we'll be screwing each other again down the line, I do.

And then there's Davis. After a tumultuous early history, we were fwb's for years without incident. Things shifted for us a year and a half ago when we decided to try being partners again, with the specific goal of becoming primary partners. But... it never really gelled. I never got comfortable with the idea of moving in together, of starting to build a life together in the way we'd talked about. And he never quite threw himself into building the partnership on his end either -- he was, as he told me today, waiting for me to make a move, not quite trusting that I would. It was sort of a long period of limbo.

So... what now, now that we've officially given up on the life partners idea? Leave each other's lives completely, stay friends but keep it platonic, or go back to being fwb's? At first I'd thought the first option was the right and necessary one. He's monogamous and he deserves a partner, but how, I asked myself, can he move on and find someone new with me still around? The idea of losing him from my life consistently drove me to tears, but I was sure it was right. Thank goodness, he pointed out to me the condescension of that stance, as well as how much our friendship means to us both, and convinced me that staying friends was the better thing to do for us both.

Friends, then. Of course, as friends, we've pretty much always had a sexual charge between us, it'd be hard to imagine that at SOME point we wouldn't sleep together again. But the idea of leaving the possibility of sex in the mix was giving me an even greater deal of pause. A couple people that I'd spoken to about it suggested that it was a bad idea. I thought that they might have good points, that if I left that door open, as natural as it seemed to be to do so on one level, I might be encouraging him to cling to the idea of something with me that he wasn't going to get, and discouraging him from maybe trying again with someone new.

How tempting it was to think of continuing to enjoy the easy, comfortable and intimate friendship that he and I have always had. Of sort of re-setting to before we started to try dating again... keeping all the good stuff, the conversation and the camaraderie and the closeness, without the pressure, without having to agonize over whether or not I wanted to commit to this man and this relationship above all others. But could it possibly be that simple?

Well, we had a REALLY good conversation today and I'm beginning to think that, yeah, maybe it could be. We both laid it all out on the table. He explained that, in his mind, in a way we never really even moved on from being fwb's. We may have intended to, but without taking any concrete steps it wasn't real to him. That's why it was so easy for him to take this "breakup" well. He said that, in fact, he'd been thinking for a couple of months of suggesting the same thing, that we let the idea of partnership go, that he set me free from the semi-monogamous bounds I'd been adhering to for his sake.

He resisted the notion of breaking up when I brought it up, because he was still torn about it, and because nobody likes being rejected, but in his heart a large part of him had already accepted that this wasn't going to work out how we'd envisioned. I was kind of shocked to hear that he'd felt that way, but also greatly relieved.

For my part, I explained everything I've written above. I told him how I've felt guilt at the idea of getting to enjoy friendship and intimacy with him when it seems like it might be at the cost of him finding another partner. How I have a very hard time believing this could really be ok. He responded with candor to everything I said. He admitted that he might well be very hurt if/when I end up forming a partnership with someone else in the way I couldn't with him. It will be a bridge to either cross or burn when we get there. But, he said that he considers our friendship, our depth of understanding with each other, to be too valuable to sacrifice. He said that now, when he thinks about us growing old together, he can picture it being as best friends, and not necessarily as an old married couple.

Wow. To be that flexible, that logical about it... color me impressed. But I believed him, I didn't think he was lying to try to hold onto me by any means necessary, y'know? It was genuine.

And, more than that, his actions the last few days have all borne out the notion that this "new normal" really is ok. Is, in fact, better than the way things had been. For instance, Gia happened to also be at the lecture that he and I attended last night. Afterwards, the two of them spoke about some of the ideas that had been raised. They haven't spoke to each other in MONTHS, and he's always been sort of taciturn around her. Not so anymore, apparently.

Another thing, a friend of mine has been interested in practicing Japanese rope bondage on me (with me clothed) for some time. I'd brought it up to Davis, and he'd been uncomfortable with the idea of my friend and I doing that on our own. I suggested that maybe he could watch, learn a few things. He'd been non-committal. While he didn't outright reject the idea, I also couldn't pin him down on it. I brought it up again the other day and he said yes right away, we set a date.

Finally, the most striking thing -- we've agreed to hang out every Wednesday night. We didn't have a date night when we were dating, but now that we've broken up we have one. o_0 Just... it's kind of stunning how much better things feel, and how much smoother they're flowing, now that we've re-framed our connection.

Heh, I have NO idea how to explain this to either of our sets of parents.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #659  
Old 02-15-2013, 06:15 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Of course, when talking about Gia and I having a sexual versus a non-sexual relationship, it helps to understand what those terms mean! And when you're kinky, that can be a lot fuzzier, as this blogger points out -- http://theladygarden.org/2011/10/18/everything-is-sex/. While she and I haven't had conventional sex (not that there's much "conventional" about the sex we have, but you know what I mean) in a month a half, we HAVE had a number of erotically charged moments and encounters, some subtle and fleeting, some blatant and lingering, having to do with, say, me kneeling to rub her feet or her asking me to fetch her something and then ruffling my hair. Food for thought.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #660  
Old 02-15-2013, 09:12 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I wanted to say that I think you are incredible. The way you are dealing with this is quite inspiration.
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