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  #1601  
Old 02-13-2013, 06:03 AM
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Default Hate on for poly post. Please take with a grain of salt. Just venting.

I saw Leo and his wife today for the first time in over a year. They happen to bump into Mono and I while we were eating lunch with a couple of my clients at a local mall. The wife went off to the bathroom and Leo was left talking to us. I sat back and took my lead from him... which didn't really amount to anything and I realized it might look like I didn't want to talk to him. Mono gave him a hug and so I decided I would see if he wanted one from me too. He did and we hugged... they chatted and I sat behind Mono nervously drinking my coffee and not knowing where to look. I managed to stutter out something to do with the vacation they were going on. After a time the wife came out and hugged Mono also. I sat back again to see if there was an indication if she was wanting one from me also... there was none, only the utterance of "hello." Mono chatted with them both for a bit while I sat behind him and then after saying their good byes to him I got a nod and a bye.

I'm not sure what to make of it now. Mostly I felt bad that they had to see me and interact at all with me. I am reminded of how I was invited out of their lives and asked to fuck off, essentially, and I was wishing I could be very small and run away so that I could indulge them in that request. If the situation had of been different I probably would turn around and walk away as a way to help them out of the situation... and myself. I am in no position to rise to the occasion of trying to fix anything right now. I have nothing to give.

I have heard rumors around the community of who they spend their time with and who she is dating and it has meant that he has been on my mind for some time. I don't have anything to say really, but I'm done with the silence also. Its a tricky thing. I have heard that there is not always the best stuff said about me by them (no details, just indications of attitude), but I trust that people will make up their own minds anyway. They will experience what they experience and that is always going to be different than what I experience. No one is asking me any way so I am off the hook as far as being put on the spot for giving out info on them.

I largely keep to myself and don't spend time with anyone but my chosen family these days so there is no one around me that wants to know what I think about things any way. Besides, there are a good number of people that are glad I am not around. It makes me feel rather content to know that I don't exist in peoples minds for the most part. As long as I don't find out I am missing or going to miss out on something I might like to do, I could stay in this a very long time. Everyone is moving on and I am just going to hover here while they do.

I am content to sit in my bed and play video games right now. Its just way too complicated to be involved with anyone or in anything. Simple is best right now and that means scaling poly back to a relationship with me. I am monogamous with myself. I have a hate on for poly at the moment. and a hate on for anything that keeps me from my time to myself.

I am pretty sure that monogamy was built on the backs for some very hurt and damaged individuals that thought it best to just buckle down to taking in the crop from the fields rather than dealing with the bullshit that comes along with having to deal with many partners and the responsibility that comes along with that. Monogamy seems easier. Who needs all this relationship/communication bullshit any way. Viva monogamy.

Really I think that many poly people are only poly to stay in their marriages because of the kids, house, car, debit. Really I think many people are better off divorced and moving on to another mono relationship as I highly doubt that many people can handle the pain that poly inflicts (including myself). I also think that many poly people are in it because they can't find someone that will commit to them or fear commitment themselves. Why not have lots of people to do this with rather than one. Then you will be too busy to notice. Some how it seems that Self indulgence means no one gets hurt. Not fully connecting with others and not being completely vulnerable means that distance keeps a person from getting hurt. Same with the sex... just keep it un-emotionally at arms length and have fun and everyone will be okay. Funny, because the hurt comes just the same anyway. Really, its all irrelevant because life just sucks the life out of you sometimes.

Man am I burnt out. And premenstrual.
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-13-2013 at 06:33 AM.
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  #1602  
Old 02-13-2013, 04:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I saw Leo and his wife today for the first time in over a year . . . I am reminded of how I was invited out of their lives and asked to fuck off, essentially, and I was wishing I could be very small and run away so that I could indulge them in that request.
Aww, shit. You have no reason to make yourself small for anyone else, RP. You did nothing wrong, unless caring about, loving, and enjoying the company of a person is wrong. If you ever run into them again, I hope you can hold your head up high and meet their gazes with confidence about who you are. Let them be the ones to shrink and run away. Bah!

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Monogamy seems easier. Who needs all this relationship/communication bullshit any way. Viva monogamy.
Having spent most of my life as a monogamist, I can tell you that the only difference I see between monogamy and polyamory is how to manage your time. A monogamous relationships requires the same effort and amount of communication as a poly situation does, and although the challenges are different (of course) monogamy is just as challenging - just think of all the self-help books on relationships there are out there. Most of them are written for monogamous couples - do you think if monogamy was easy, those authors would be as rich as they are or that the relationships section at Barnes & Noble would be as big as it is? Hahaha.
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  #1603  
Old 02-13-2013, 05:57 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Aww, shit. You have no reason to make yourself small for anyone else, RP. You did nothing wrong, unless caring about, loving, and enjoying the company of a person is wrong. If you ever run into them again, I hope you can hold your head up high and meet their gazes with confidence about who you are. Let them be the ones to shrink and run away. Bah!
This!
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  #1604  
Old 02-14-2013, 04:09 AM
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You're right. I have no need to hide. It isn't out of shame at all. Its out of not really wanting to be involved again, having nothing to say and out of respect for their possible need to make me disappear from their lives.

Kind of like when you see people you knew years ago walking by and neither of you strike up a conversation. That happens a lot in my small city. I used to make a point of saying hi to everyone I know and knew and now realize that I am a minority where that kind of thing is concerned. People just don't want to say hi all the time.

I was trying to respect that we were in an awkward situation where we were both forced into a face to face situation. While I don't mind that sort of thing, because of previous experience with people that DO mind, I didn't want to make a deal out of it.

Besides, they are friends with Mono, not with me. I am just someone that they used to be friends with. He and they deserved the chance to chat far more than I.

You're right though. Standing tall and owning my own space would of been just fine. I think it was a matter of how we were positioned. I was sitting behind Mono and no one moved to allow me into the circle to talk. So I didn't fight it and stayed behind him. If that makes sense.

One of the things that was said about me by them was that I am a show off, arrogant (think that was the word used) and like to be the centre of attention. I didn't want to make myself the centre of attention, or make anything happen really. So I just let the whole thing unfold without my input. That is just how it unfolded as it turned out and it fit what I wanted to offer them in the moment.
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  #1605  
Old 02-14-2013, 06:49 AM
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Sometimes reading your words is very peculiar. Like reading someone elses interpretation of my diary.

Anyway-hugs. Enjoy your self, your videogames and your kiddo.

Having dropped from all of my social circles, I find I have a great deal more cuddle time with my kids and Im enjoying it... A lot.
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  #1606  
Old 02-17-2013, 03:57 PM
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I can understand where you've stopped organizing events in your poly community, but I get a little smile when you talk about being "mono with myself" since, afaik, you've still got a husband, 2 bfs and a gf.

That is 2 more lovers than I've got, and I've felt overwhelmed with their needs lately! lol
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  #1607  
Old 02-17-2013, 11:14 PM
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I can understand where you've stopped organizing events in your poly community, but I get a little smile when you talk about being "mono with myself" since, afaik, you've still got a husband, 2 bfs and a gf.

That is 2 more lovers than I've got, and I've felt overwhelmed with their needs lately! lol
Its my idea of a joke. A sick one maybe and yes, highly sarcastic, but a joke none-the-less.
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  #1608  
Old 02-18-2013, 04:23 AM
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I emailed Leo. It seems that we are heading on a path of healing? Maybe?

I now know that I don't need to be distant. It seems I was always in a position of being a friend and he was not able to fulfill a partnership with me. I got to hear an apology about the emails I got back then and now know that they were sent out of hurt. I also heard that he had been glad to see me and was glad to get my email. I wrote back and explained that I was unable to meet as friends back then but had not intended that to be a life long thing. I didn't know that he wanted to be friends by the emails he wrote. I understood that we were done in every sense of the word.

I thanked him for the apology and thanked him for the information I now have.

Today I went to a Chinese New Years lunch with a group of people that are all linked to him in some way. I found it mildly humorous that I was scolded for writing about him here anonymously while he and his wife are known by many people in the community by their own accord. Nothing to do with me. They leave their own trail and that trail has names attached.... mine doesn't. I don't link that connections up for anyone and I don't pass on their info or anyone else's when I spend time with others. Believe me, I would love to... there had been times when I have stopped myself from saying "ya, not what I have heard" but, ...I don't.
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  #1609  
Old 02-18-2013, 04:33 AM
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I have a fear that I will not looked after when I am ill. Its irrational and tied up with bullshit that is not my own I think. I have a friend who is cheating on his wife with other women because he is not getting the love he needs as she has an illness and is unable to fully be with him. Somehow this has transfered to my life. I think its been merged with reminders of when I was sick in the fall and how Derby came to take care of me. PN took care of the house and child, Brad sent loving texts of support. Mono wasn't taking my illness seriously and was off in la la land about his dilemma concerning telling me about the women he was courting. He seemed to not care or get how sick I was until he got the same illness. I have some how merged the cheating thing with the illness thing and suddenly have this feeling that I will be left and cheated on if I ever get sick.

I know. I know. Irrational and stupid... and I should take care of me and worry about myself and not worry about what others are doing. Of course he will be there to help. Of course I have others in my life that will and are there for me. Ya, I get all that.

One more thing to add to the abandonment issue that haunts me. Gah that fucker is a tough one.

Working on it.
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  #1610  
Old 02-23-2013, 08:27 PM
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PN is off visiting a friend on a neighboring island this weekend. Its the second trip of the year for him. He visited his ex-girlfriend a few weeks ago. That's a lot of travel for him! He seems to be embracing his life and seeking out what he needs. I'm happy for him and encouraging him to do what he wants by staying back and looking after the boy and life at home more.

We had our annual RP kick in the butt talk about the garden again. It seems every year I need to remind that we have a garden and that we need to be responsible for it. This year Mono wants to build up the garden and PN wants to move some things around. I am excited about my own garden project too. We await an arborist to come and deal with our fruit trees and then plan to get going. I am hoping this year we can keep it up until the fall. We decided to break the week down into chunks that we are responsible for individually. Hopefully that will help.

Brad comes home from China and Thailand today. Yipeeee. I missed our coffee dates the most. Its been awhile that we have gone to our favourite coffee shop hang out. I am hoping he wants to go there this week.

Derby and I went for a hot tub this week and then to one of our favourite restaurants. She has been very busy and it was nice to catch up. We seem to be in a position where we are concentrating on entirely different things. She is out and about, doing tons of exercisey things and socializing lots. I seem to be a home body, recluse that gets overwhelmed by crowds lately. Its made it hard to relate on some level... we are good together in that we just let go of all that and enjoy each others company.

Mono and I are doing really well. We seem to have some understanding of each other and are moving forward. I continue to work on letting my mind and being get into grips with the possibility that he could find another woman to love. I find that the time I now have is helping me adjust.

I put my mind into the space where I might have to welcome another metamour into my life through him and work on a plan that will sustain me. My plan revolves around going out and doing my own thing and leaving him to it. I will use that time to enjoy a level of freedom that I haven't had or wanted. It will mean I will be in a state of being alone on a level that I have not experienced yet. Mono and I are by far the closest of all my partners. We are bonded to each other's side in ways that I am not with the others. I intend to break that bond at that time and move in a different way than I have in a long time. At some point I will talk to him about that reality. We have in bits, but a full on conversation seems to be in order once I have thought it all through thoroughly.
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