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Old 02-13-2013, 04:36 AM
PhilosophicallyLost's Avatar
PhilosophicallyLost PhilosophicallyLost is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 47
Default I think the three of us need a talk.

But perhaps you can confirm this. I'm writing this with a headache, so I apologize if stuff is sorta fuzzy on the details.

The living arrangements have become a major issue. Hubby doesn't like having E as a room mate anymore. The reasons are wide and varied:
1. E is overly talkative and can be overwhelming sometimes with the things he gets excited about.
2. Seeing E with me reminds Y too much of what he's lost (his monogamous relationship with me.)
3. Y hates sharing his TV all the time.
4. Y wishes he had more alone time with me.
5. Y wishes he had more time to himself.
6. Y isn't crazy about having to compromise on cleaning with a third person.

That said, E is on the opposite side. He does not want to move into a place of his own. He hates being by himself. He's an extrovert and thrives on being around people. He is not in the financial position to be on his own, either. So he would have to have a room mate, and one that is obviously okay with him dating his best friend's wife. That could put a strain on our relationship. Most of all, he hates the idea of seeing me less as a result. He wants the three of us under the same roof.

I am in the middle. There are pros and cons for me in both options. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by E's personality too, and it would be nice to see my husband in a happier state of being. Living in different places may help with that. However, I don't want to have the possibility of E just being flat out unhappy to come to fruition instead. This threatens to be a very bad situation.

The second problem concerns hard limits. My husband just made clear that he thinks he will "never" be okay with me making love to E or anyone else outside our marriage. E is a virgin. This brings up the following to mind:
1. I had grown attached to the idea of being E's first. I am struggling terribly with letting go of that. I'm not even sure why it's so important to me, besides that it was an experience I was excited to share with E someday.
2. I can share E with other women, but I know I will have a jealousy issue big time if they can have sex with him and I can't. I want to be equally important, and I just can't see myself feeling that equal if they can have him and I can't. I also argue that E can't feel that well-respected as a secondary by restricting him in this regard with my husband.
3. I can't ask E to be a virgin the rest of his life. That's just not fair at all to him, and he deserves to have that experience.
4. E generally agrees that in the long run, losing his virginity is an important experience he wants out of his life. He'd rather I'd be his first as well.
5. These feelings scare the crap out of me, because I feel like they may force me to have to choose between Y and E, instead of being with both of them like I want.
6. I am not sure how much NRE is potentially clouding my judgment on the above.

I have heard of other members on this board having non-penetrative sex as an option, and I don't want to rule the possibility out. My emotions aren't agreeing with the idea very well so far though. I just don't see myself being what E needs in the long run that way, and the idea freaks me out.

So yeah...these are pretty big issues. Oi.
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Me: K, female, 27. Married to Y for over 4 yrs (male, monogamous, 33). Opened relationship to E (male, monogamous, 27) in a relationship vee.
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