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  #361  
Old 02-13-2013, 12:47 AM
AJ1 AJ1 is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Have you considered adoption? Plenty of kids need good homes, and that would eliminate the possibility of any father ever laying more "claim" to the child than the other.
I hesitate to add this for fear of straying off topic, but it an oft-repeated misconception that there are "plenty of kids waiting to be adopted." This was true decades ago, but not today. While technically true in the strictest sense, there are huge waiting lists for children under age 5 that are not disabled. Parenting a disabled child or an older child (who almost certainly has endured major trauma to be available for adoption) is not for the faint of heart - and is not something that should be encouraged to any woman simply because her baby-making parts don't function well.

Anyone, regardless of the state of their reproductive system, who has the desire and capacity to care for such children should absolutely pursue that path (and if you're not sure, try fostering. There is, quite unfortunately, a world of difference between "normal" children and those that have suffered abuse and neglect). But requiring IVF to reproduce and being such a gifted person are two unrelated features.
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  #362  
Old 02-13-2013, 12:58 AM
twoplus1 twoplus1 is offline
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I hesitate to add this for fear of straying off topic, but it an oft-repeated misconception that there are "plenty of kids waiting to be adopted." This was true decades ago, but not today. While technically true in the strictest sense, there are huge waiting lists for children under age 5 that are not disabled. Parenting a disabled child or an older child (who almost certainly has endured major trauma to be available for adoption) is not for the faint of heart - and is not something that should be encouraged to any woman simply because her baby-making parts don't function well.

Anyone, regardless of the state of their reproductive system, who has the desire and capacity to care for such children should absolutely pursue that path (and if you're not sure, try fostering. There is, quite unfortunately, a world of difference between "normal" children and those that have suffered abuse and neglect). But requiring IVF to reproduce and being such a gifted person are two unrelated features.
I am a tossed around adopted child and met my other brother not lucky to have grown up with as a child some oh 25 yrs ago since kept in touch only now growin closer however the brother i did grow up with wasnt anymore fortunate than I forced to remain behind while i experienced priveledge and not knowing one in the middle assumed for most our lives we were 6 yr apart hmmm y? then found the other puzzle piece ,as I said my big bro not as fortunate long story short he was murdered 95 i am not a firm believer in adoption too many of us are fucked the hell up on some level but each to their own ...Ie a child from another country war torn etc cool but genetics kicks in at some point and can u s say a white woman give a asian child their roots NOPE as no one could any us so ur theory may hold water for some being on both end not with me ! no offence intended but biology is our key then if as I said it doesnt work out I 'll buy more show cats an dogs an move forward as I am fortunate enuff to be restarting not beginning as said I have three grown ! so opinion noted , lol not accepted as they know the score and it would end at our try but the question was not to at all cost have but if we can can we do this our way?
TA.

Last edited by twoplus1; 02-13-2013 at 01:00 AM. Reason: eeeerr
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  #363  
Old 02-13-2013, 04:06 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Parenting a disabled child or an older child (who almost certainly has endured major trauma to be available for adoption) is not for the faint of heart - and is not something that should be encouraged to any woman simply because her baby-making parts don't function well.
THANKS, AJ1!!! I go a step beyond and say "don't have kids unless you REALLY mean it". Too many people slip into having kids because it's "the done thing"; because "it's now or never"; or just because they get pregnant and won't take the difficult decision to have an abortion. This is ONE reason why there are so many unwanted, fucked-over, difficult over-5s needing a GOOD family.

Having children should NOT be the default setting!!!

I spent a year at teacher training college because I WANTED to be a teacher, because children mean THE WORLD to me. Many - perhaps most - of my fellow student-teachers were there because it was an easy option. Because in the UK it's MUCH easier to get into a t.t.c. than into a university; because their own children were old enough / because they had just divorced and they wanted to get back into a PAYING job; because bosses want cute secretaries but children don't mind if you're not very sexy...

I dropped out of t.t.c. [where I was doing really well, where my tutor was delighted with me: a man who wanted to work with 3>6-year-olds... and did it well] because it became obvious to me that in 70s UK, what the system [NOT my tutor] wanted was childrenpolice. Mould them into compliant, unquestioning, trouble-free citizens [trouble-free for the powers-that-be]. And no way did I want to do THAT job!

But I weep for kids in classes where the teachers (dis)honestly couldn't care less.

And even more for those kids in FAMILIES where their parents ditto.
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Last edited by MrFarFromRight; 02-13-2013 at 04:08 PM.
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  #364  
Old 02-14-2013, 10:32 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Yes we discussed surrogates but laws from US/UK/Canada all are little known to most ...Say birth mother is legally and always mother even tho' oddly there is not one drop of dna carried by that mother over to that child she gives birth to!!! Odd law right... so that is a big NOPE too!
And rightfully so. What's odd about the person who spends 10 months carrying a fetus, provides the vast amounts of nutrition and energy, and then goes through labour having the right to raise that being?

DNA is, frankly, the smallest contribution to the process. Ask any single mother with a dead-beat ex fora sperm donor.

That being said, I support your desire to go through that process yourself. Just saying that I agree with the law.
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  #365  
Old 02-15-2013, 12:14 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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While I agree that carrying the child makes you more of a parent than providing DNA (both of which being negligible compared to doing the actual raising), I can understand frustration in this specific context: with surrogacy the people paying for everything are the people providing the DNA, and the person carrying the child is paid for their trouble. If then they have the right to just say they're keeping the child... at the very least they should be required to pay back everyone else.

Which might be the case, of course.

At any rate, it probably doesn't happen that often. It's like how a birth mother has the right to take a child back with adoption (for a period of time that varies from, I think, one month minimum to something like six months or a year), but in effect it very rarely happens.
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  #366  
Old 02-15-2013, 05:44 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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While I agree that carrying the child makes you more of a parent than providing DNA (both of which being negligible compared to doing the actual raising), I can understand frustration in this specific context: with surrogacy the people paying for everything are the people providing the DNA, and the person carrying the child is paid for their trouble. If then they have the right to just say they're keeping the child... at the very least they should be required to pay back everyone else.
I think that's part of the motivation behind the Canadian version of the law, where it's illegal to pay a surrogate for her services. The adoptive parents also don't have to pay for the costs upfront, but rather reimburse the mother for her out-of-pocket expenses after the adoption.

As a completely unrelated anecdote, my girlfriend has a very cool surrogacy/parenting arrangement. Her husband is FTM trans* and they wanted more kids. They had a gay male friend who also wanted kids. So, he provided sperm for the first child, which my girlfriend is raising, and she then provided surrogacy for the second child, which the friend is raising. Bonus: All the kids spend the weekend together, including her older daughter from a previous relationship. They spend every Friday night at the biological father's house, and Saturday night at my girlfriend's. All the parents get one free night off every week, and all the kids get a whole weekend to spend with their siblings.
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  #367  
Old 02-15-2013, 07:39 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Her husband is FTM trans* and they wanted more kids.
If her husband is FTM trans, how did they get the kids they already had? Adoption? Sperm donor? That information is not available?
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  #368  
Old 02-15-2013, 08:19 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
including her older daughter from a previous relationship.
Besides this one?
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  #369  
Old 06-20-2013, 09:45 PM
kittenkittykat kittenkittykat is offline
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Default Disiplining your Partners children

So I have a question. What do you do when everytime you are asked to watch or look after your partners child and they come in and say you are being a bit rough. For Example, I was watching their child and she got water and was pouring it in a box. I grabbed the box and water cleaned up the mess and told her to leave the water alone. Yet I get told I am being too rough. WTH? Am I beating her? No I was making an excutive decision because I was not want to have a huge mess to clean up. She doesn't listen to a thing I say and they wonder Why I am irritated.
L
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  #370  
Old 06-20-2013, 10:48 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Default I am the Super-Id

So i have a question too. Are you for real?

Word-up.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-20-2013 at 10:50 PM. Reason: Why I am irritated.
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