Wife wants Open Marriage

[amk]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

She'll always be the mother of your shared son, and a love of your life. But she does not have to be "the current, active love" of ALL your life, esp if she's hurting you by her behavior and refusal to talk.

I never thought of it like that (ie. "Current active love"). That's a really apt way of saying it. I've always felt like she will always be special because of being the mother of my son, but I hadn't thought of her being a love of my life if we were to split. I guess i'm realizing that my definition of love has always been kinda one dimensional. That makes me a little sad, but at least I am changing my perceptions now...

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Has she had a check up? Since you say the first 11 years with her were good -- could she be suffering from mental illness like mood disorders, bipolar, or depression or anything that would make her recent behavior explainable?

She is in and out of the doctor's office every 2-3 weeks. She has been on meds for depression in the past, but can't be now because she is on chronic pain meds that would interact. She has had issues our entire marriage, though. So, nothing sticks out particularly. I truly understand that she is struggling with her health which is really tough on her. I have tolerated her moods and depression because despite those issues, she was a sweet, loving, compassionate, and passionate wife. That changed in January 2012.

Thank-you for the encouragement, GG. It genuinely helps to hear from others that I am making the right choice here. I can't say there isn't trepidation on my part. I am really scared and feeling alone, but I am trying to find solace in no longer worrying about trying to fix everything. It's very feeing to stop thinking about all the 'what-ifs' and just let her decide what she wants. If only I could've gotten here about 6 months ago, I could've saved myself A LOT of heartache and a lot of counseling fees (LOL)!!

Laura has been helping me alot, too. She came and picked me up the night I was looking for the bottom of a Jameson bottle. She talked me down and gave me good advice. I was a little apprehensive to lean on her while I was both drunk and vulnerable, but she was very respectful and we only talked. I appreciate her more than I think she knows and her perspective has been comforting.

[amk]

I wanted to thank everyone for the support.

My wife just told me tonight that she has plans to end our marriage in the next few months.

I am a wreck.

She told me that she just doesn't want to be married anymore and has lost her belief in romantic love. She doesn't love me anymore and wants to be alone. Her brush with death gave her a different perspective on life and she's decided she doesn't want a relationship ever again.

Thanks to everyone. I really enjoyed my time here and maybe someday I'll return.

[bassman]

amk , this is the most awful news. i am going through nearly the same here.

Im happy to chat on pm if you want?

[dingedheart]

So very sorry things didnt work out.

I suggest you focus on your child right now and refrain form letting your pain and confusion get the better of you. Keep the self destructive stuff to a minimum. Dont want to make a bad situation worse.



The changes that have occurred starting with this...

Originally Posted by amk

The talk:

Last night, after taking a few days to basically write down every single concern and feeling (2 pages, typed) I have- both positive and negative -about opening our marriage, I asked my wife to sit down and talk.

She said I was the most important person in her life and she would never want to lose me. Hearing this for the first time in over a year was probably the single most grounding thing I've ever experienced. It certainly diminished the fears I've been having. She also told me she would understand if I couldn't agree to polyamory and that she wouldn't leave me for that decision. This erased the pressure I've been feeling and I feel much more free.

some back and forth ...and now this

She told me that she just doesn't want to be married anymore and has lost her belief in romantic love. She doesn't love me anymore and wants to be alone. Her brush with death gave her a different perspective on life and she's decided she doesn't want a relationship ever again

This sort of supports my earlier idea .....she might need some professional help. I've had brushes with death and from my experience people tend to want to deepen relationships ...enjoy life ...love more ...not run from them and cut them off forever.

Or is she saying that's all specific to you ....doesnt want a romantic relationship ever again with you ?

[StudentofLife]

Hi AMK,

I'm new here also, so this is only my opinion, it may not be much help. I just wanted to say you're not alone in finding the level of communication needed, and the intimidation factor of the topics daunting.
To me, being in this forum feels like someone who has taken a beginners tumbling class watching Olympic quality gymnasts perform. The more experienced people here seem to communicate with a grace and skill that is awesome to behold. Just remember the years of practice and work they have behind them. They had to start somewhere, just like you and I.
It does seem to get easier with practice, but don't psyche yourself out because you can't feel it comes naturally right from the start. I wish you all the best.

[amk]

Well, three days after being told that she has intentions to end our marriage, my wife told me that she has devised a plan:

First, she wants to take the two vacations we had planned together for this spring- one to DisneyWorld in March and the other to Jamaica in May to see my best friend get married. Then, she has plans to "temporarily" leave me for 4 months. Knowing that she needs to be on her own to figure things out, I was pretty ok with that.

It was at that point that my curiosity and her honesty combined to mess me up more than I thought possible. I asked what the rules would be while separated. She told me there are none. Then, I asked why there aren't any rules and she told me that this will be her time to decide who she is and what makes her happy. I asked if she has plans to sleep with other men. (STUPID!) Of course, she said yes very quickly. I told her that a quick response like that indicates she already has someone in mind. She said, no- I have about twelve in mind... Then she encouraged me to sleep with other people during that time, as well. I was so devastated, I could barely breath.

Why do I ask these questions???

Anyway, we worked out the logistics for my son, the money, how and when to contact the other person, etc..

I asked for two things: that she please be safe (condoms, etc) and that she please not sleep with anyone I know. She agreed.

After a few days, I have decided that I will still take the Disney World trip, but unfortunately I am cancelling the Jamaica trip. You can't go to the resort with children or alone- and I don't want my wife to go. When I told her, she was visibly upset, but she understood.

I gave this all a few days so it was a little less raw before I posted anything. I am trying to look at all this with a measure of both optimism and wariness. I feel like a chump because I will be waiting around for her for these 4 months, but, at the same time, I am still head-over-heels crazy for this women. Am I pathetic? I certainly wish I could just move on, but that's not how I feel. I am worried that I won't be able to see her the same when she returns to me (if she returns).

She says she doesn't want to lose me, but "the heart wants what the heart wants". I am so damn confused about how to feel, what to do and how to cope... I wish there was a way to just skip all this hurt and get the end where I know what happens, you know?

[GalaGirl]

Why do I ask these questions???

Because you are responsible for looking out for your own health -- phsyical health, mental health, emotional health, and spiritual health.

Also that of your son.

Anyway, we worked out the logistics for my son, the money, how and when to contact the other person, etc.. I asked for two things: that she please be safe (condoms, etc) and that she please not sleep with anyone I know. She agreed.

Good for you! Advocating for your own well being needs!

I feel like a chump because I will be waiting around for her for these 4 months, but, at the same time, I am still head-over-heels crazy for this women. Am I pathetic?

No. Dissolving a marriage of more than a decade is worth serious consideration. I am glad to hear you are both thinking it out with the seriousness it is due.

And while she may/may not have had divorce in mind longer than you, you are just now getting the news. Give yourself the TLC you need as you process grief things and get through this next reality. You could be in the "shock" place still

Could get yourself a counselor for extra support. Be it coming to a decision about divorce, fixing the marriage, hearing support/nurture words, etc. Wherever it is this goes.

Could spend the time figuring out what YOU want from marriage (in general) and then if she (as your marriage partner) still fits and it able to meet your own wants, needs, and limits.

Yucky feelings are not FUN to feel like the yummy ones are. But sun is sun. Rain is rain. Emotion is emotion. When experiencing internal weather, do your best to let it blow on through. Weather it out in healthy ways. Sleep, eat, think, care for self and kid. See friends, family, counseling for extra support. Reach out to people and ASK. You might not want to let them into your inner circle of thoughts/feelings but maybe you want them to babysit so your can rest or walk the dog or whatever it is.

Most people understand grief and need to self care.

You don't suffer alone. Know at least one person read your post and sees you suffering. I know an internet stranger isn't much, but you are SEEN.

I do see you.

Namaste,
Galagirl

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by amk

After a few days, I have decided that I will still take the Disney World trip but unfortunately I am cancelling the Jamaica trip. You can't go to the resort with children or alone- and I don't want my wife to go.

Why can't you go alone? Now I understand not wanting to go alone and definitely not wanting to take your wife, but if I understand, this is for YOUR best friend's wedding. Why not shorten the trip and go by yourself to support your friend?

I would suggest that when she takes off to "find herself", that you file for a "legal separation" and get custody issues for your son clearly defined in writing (even if you don't go through an attorney) to protect yourself and your son.

[amk]

GalaGirl, thanks- there are certainly some things in there I needed to hear. I appreciate your perspective.

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Why can't you go alone? Now I understand not wanting to go alone and definitely not wanting to take your wife, but if I understand, this is for YOUR best friend's wedding. Why not shorten the trip and go by yourself to support your friend

I can't go on the trip alone or with my son because my best friend is getting married at a couples only adult resort. No children allowed. It sucks.

Originally Posted by SNeacail

I would suggest that when she takes off to "find herself", that you file for a "legal separation" and get custody issues for your son clearly defined in writing (even if you don't go through an attorney) to protect yourself and your son.

I appreciate this advice, but I am not going a legal route right now. I can't pay the mortgage and all my bills by myself. My wife volunteered to pay 50% of all my bills and pay for her own apartment with what's left. She also agreed to watch my son on the nights I work so I don't have astromical amounts of childcare to pay (over 90 hours every two weeks). She is trying to make this easy on me in some ways.

I believe she still cares about me. She sees what this is doing to me and she tries to comfort me within the limits of what she can handle. I have seen small glimmers of hope. She has even told me she knows she will never find another man who loves her like I do.

I don't even care if she cheats on me, I just want my baby to come home to me after all this. That makes me feel weak and like I am allowing myself to get punked and used...

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by amk

I appreciate this advice, but I am not going a legal route right now. I can't pay the mortgage and all my bills by myself. My wife volunteered to pay 50% of all my bills and pay for her own apartment with what's left. She also agreed to watch my son on the nights I work so I don't have astromical amounts of childcare to pay (over 90 hours every two weeks). She is trying to make this easy on me in some ways.

I understand avoiding all the legal, I've just seen too many people get burned financially (and with custody), because they "never thought" their spouse would not pay their fair share or such. I admit I have a bit of a hair trigger on this and in most cases everyone tries their best. Just keep it in mind, do some research and keep your eyes open.

Maybe look for a roommate for the time she is gone, just to help cover some of the expenses, even if she is paying her share.

Couples only resort... Yeah, right choice to cancel. Too bad.

This is sad and I'm sorry your going through this. Be kind to yourself and I hope things can work out for you.