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Old 02-12-2013, 01:27 AM
Silas Silas is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 26
Default I have just chosen poly over a potential monogamous life mate. Whoa.

Hi. I am new here and new to poly. Wow, that sounds crazy to say. Well, new in that I am finally taking action. I have struggled with the monogamous approach to relationships my entire life. It has been a long road that in the past two years of self-searching and educating has led me to where I am now. I haven't found a community in my area yet and so I turn to the ever embracing internet for like minded people to support this challenging decision I have made. Thank you for being here.

Not an hour ago, I told a girl I have been seeing very seriously that I finally knew what I wanted. I felt clear and steady. Poly is how I love. It is how I am wired. I have known this for a long time. I am only now putting it into practice. I knew I might lose her. I knew I had to do it anyway. I would have explored this with her, but she also knows what she wants and it isn't this. It really brings the weight of your choices to reality when someone you love walks away from you because of it. In the past I would have faltered when a lover did not see things my way. This time, I did not. It is an entirely new experience for me to choose what I really want over what my lover wants me to want.

Now, she is gone and I am struggling to embody what I feel I must explore in my life. If I do not do that, my losing her will be for naught. I am optimistic and in a large way relieved. I know that I need to act to manifest what my heart and brain are very clearly saying to me. That feels daunting right now. I hope that when I do, my actions of today will feel totally worth it. I am trying to be strong. There is fear of loss there, fear of having made a mistake (the world is screaming this at me), but they are fainter than ever before. I accept that they are there. She asked, "Why would you invite this pain?" I said, "It is joy that I seek. And self-alignment. Any pain that comes along with it is at least that of my own choosing."

I have lost someone dear to me and I am instead moving toward something that seems like it can't even exist sometimes it has to be a fantasy. I won't know until I experience it for myself. I trust there are others out there. I trust you are those others.

It is hard not to question choosing a belief in something I have not experienced as real over something I do know exists. It is hard not to second guess myself knowing the pain she is feeling and the infinitely appealing story I could believe in instead. Were I to accept monogamy, I could have married this girl someday. Tell me I am not crazy to have done this.

~Silas
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