Advanced ;), but would love some feedback
Hi you all sweet strangers reading this....
I'm polyamorous for 3-4 years now, and it hasn't always been simple, but it was always enfolding quite fast.
My priority has always been not to hurt anyone. And to be honest with everyone. Which truly worked. But now it doesn't anymore. It is stagnating with my 2nd lover.
My 1st lover is amazing. Except he is not into the amount of hugging/cuddling/holding hands romantic kind of stuff as i am. But he is totally ok that i have that kind of connection with someone else. Even if it gets 'all the way". I so love him for loving me so much that i can totally feel free to be who i am.
It is easy and clear with my 1st lover. It is my 2nd lover that is causing me mental confusion for months.... I've met him 3 years ago. It was clear he was the sensitive kind of person, but he always kept a distance. Untill I stept over the distance and said what i felt. He admitted i felt it right, and that he was keeping that distance by not touching me at all (not even when normal friends would) because he was afraid he would feel to much love for me, and he did not want to break my relationship with my 1st lover. (Which was a good friend/college at that time). Long story short. We shared much magic and many loving moments. Untill my 1st lover and i moved away.
My 2nd lover fell in love with another girl. I was totally open for him to fall in love with someone else, and i still am. He used to say: if i fall in love with someone else, she has to find a way to deal with what we have.
And that was the problem. She didn't. She is very insecure and i gave them time. I gave them 1,5 year (because he went away to a foreign country for months and had a very busy time working). But it felt wrong. It felt very wrong for me to love someone so much and not even talk about anything anymore, without properly breaking up.
So i send him a letter explaining how i felt. And now here we are again. He came by to visit me, it was nice, we kissed and all of the magic was back.
But as far as i know, he hasn't told his girlfriend about the kissing. All he told me later is that she is not ok with someone (he kept the conversation general) kissing someone else.
For me what we feel for each other is much deeper than just kissing. So we met a few times without the kissing stuff, but that even made our connection feel more close. Is was our secret that we love each other, so much we even do not need to kisss.
And this feels wrong. I do not want to cross any line. Not the one from his new girlfriend who doesn't want him to be close with someone else. If i can't kiss him, feeling more for each other means we cross the line too.
And i've just recently said, that i can't. I can't see him, and feel that i'm cheating on his girlfriend. But i love him, and he loves me, and they love each other. And it hurts like hell to know what we feel and not be able to express it.
All i want is for him to say clearly what he wants with this situation, but he is the more sensitive kind of guy, so he wants to make everyone happy. Which is probably not possible in this situation, so he needs his time. And i can't wait. I've opened my heart again and it hurts to be 'on hold'. To wait for a solution.
It hurts so much i can't see things clearly, so i hope you can reflect some words of wisdom back to mee.
Thanks for being there anyway,
and a hug for everyone who wants one
(as i have a lot spare ones left unwanted know..)
|complicated, need for help, poly versus mono|