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  #21  
Old 02-10-2013, 01:18 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery View Post
The definition doesn't matter...I don't see the value in debating it.

If you're living a lifestyle that causes you constant insecurity and general bad feelings...and it's not just a phase you're working through...then it is not for you.

You can still technically be poly, but why would you want to?
Are you saying that in all of your relationships, poly or mono, you never have bad feelings? By your line of reasoning, then you should not have relationships.

It's not the lifestyle that causes your insecurity and jealousies. Those are yours and yours alone. You would have them with or without the lifestyle. You can't live life by avoiding everything that triggers a negative reaction.

People in mono relationships often have jealousies, even when their partner doesn't have any interest in looking at other people romantically or sexually. Your partner might be offered a lucrative job in another part of the country, and you're jealous that her career means more to her than your relationship. She might have a really sexy friend, and your insecurity might make you worry that she'll break up with you to date him.

Do these jealousies and insecurities mean that you shouldn't date anyone at all?

nyc's not debating the "definition" or poly. She's opposing the notion that to be poly, or "truly poly" (whatever the hell that means), you never have any insecurities or jealousies.
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  #22  
Old 02-10-2013, 09:08 AM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Do these jealousies and insecurities mean that you shouldn't date anyone at all?

nyc's not debating the "definition" or poly. She's opposing the notion that to be poly, or "truly poly" (whatever the hell that means), you never have any insecurities or jealousies.
Where did I say that you'd never have any insecurities if you're poly?

If you're in a poly relationship and you're jealous, your insecurities will be likely prodded far more often than if you're in a mono relationship. Hence the reason I suggested poly might not be for that person, because you're going to experience those negative feelings more often - and why would you want that?
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  #23  
Old 02-10-2013, 06:43 PM
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I personally don't avoid situations that cause negative feelings just on the grounds that they cause negative feelings. That's a personal choice that I realise some people opt not to make, and that's perfectly fine. But for me, I use negative feelings as an indicator that my attitude needs to change, because usually it's not the situation itself that's the problem, but my perception of it.

The world is a yucky, scary place. If you let that stop you from doing things, you can easily live life under a rock. Some people just don't want to deal with yucky, scary things, and they skip from one situation to another, never really finding happiness because they're always looking for greener pastures.

I'm not saying you should always jump in to a negative feeling situation just because it feels negative, either. That would be dumb. Some negative feelings are a sign that the situation is harmful. But with a little practice, it's possible to distinguish between negative feelings that are warning signs and negative feelings that are opportunities for growth.

But on the specific topic of insecurities, that's almost always an opportunity for growth. I mean, obviously if you're insecure because your current partner has cheated on you repeatedly, that's a different story. But if you're prone to insecurity regardless of how your partner behaves, then it's probably a sign that you have some internal shit to deal with. It's a personal choice whether to deal with your internal shit; many people live their entire lives without doing so. But I tend to avoid those people, because they tend to blame others for their problems, since that's the story you need to tell yourself if you don't want to do the hard work of fixing your shit.
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  #24  
Old 02-10-2013, 08:56 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I personally don't avoid situations that cause negative feelings just on the grounds that they cause negative feelings. That's a personal choice that I realise some people opt not to make, and that's perfectly fine. But for me, I use negative feelings as an indicator that my attitude needs to change, because usually it's not the situation itself that's the problem, but my perception of it.
Actually I completely agree with this. But most people don't want to make the effort of going through intensive, hard personal growth.
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  #25  
Old 02-11-2013, 04:52 AM
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Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery View Post
Where did I say that you'd never have any insecurities if you're poly?
Where did you say that? Ahem... I already quoted where you said that, but I guess you weren't paying attention, so I'll quote you again:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery View Post
You have to realise that if you really are truly poly, with no jealousy or insecurities, you are offering her something that 99.9% of guys cannot give her . . .
You used the phrase "truly poly" a few times in your post. Care to elaborate on what that's supposed to mean?
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  #26  
Old 02-11-2013, 06:09 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Where did you say that? Ahem... I already quoted where you said that, but I guess you weren't paying attention, so I'll quote you again:


You used the phrase "truly poly" a few times in your post. Care to elaborate on what that's supposed to mean?
I don't see the point in all this...is this what happens on here? People desperately nitpicking in an attempt to 'win' arguments?

I think my point was valid, simply that if being poly causes you more bad feelings than not being poly, then perhaps it isn't for you.

If you want to 'win' the argument - then congratulations - I will award you the win. Well done.
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  #27  
Old 02-11-2013, 06:33 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery View Post
I don't see the point in all this...is this what happens on here? People desperately nitpicking in an attempt to 'win' arguments?

I think my point was valid, simply that if being poly causes you more bad feelings than not being poly, then perhaps it isn't for you.

If you want to 'win' the argument - then congratulations - I will award you the win. Well done.

No, it isn't that. "What happens on here" is that it's your responsibility to say what you mean, not say one thing and then act like it shouldn't matter what you said when other people reply to it and ask what the hell you meant.

I, too, am curious what you mean by "truly poly", and I'm not even IN an argument with you already, so there's nothing for me to "win".

You won't "discover" much by being petulant, ManofDiscovery.
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  #28  
Old 02-11-2013, 07:00 PM
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Ok. Rewind.

In the post that started all of this, MOD admitted that he's new to poly and thus not an authority on the matter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery View Post
If you want to become truly poly (and I know that you should probably take my words with a pinch of salt, as I'm only just starting out on this road myself) [...] You have to realise that if you really are truly poly, with no jealousy or insecurities
*hands out the salt*

I admit that I'm as guilty as any for jumping on semantics. But looking back with new comments as guidance, I don't think MOD meant "truly poly" in a judgemental or authoritative way. It seems that his belief that you can become rid of jealousy and insecurity was based more on idealism than experience. He's new to this and he's trying to understand how it all works. So let's give him the benefit of the doubt and take this as an educational opportunity rather than go down the semantics road.

I'll start. Generally, most experienced poly folks have learned that there's no "one true way to do poly," which I think is how your usage of "truly poly" was interpreted. Furthermore, we've learned that jealousy is basically inevitable for some people. Either a person is prone to jealousy, or they are not. You can learn to deal and cope with your jealousy in a healthy way, but you're not likely to ever get rid of it. Some people are just born being non-jealous. Good for them, but not necessarily something for the rest of us to strive towards.

Insecurity is another matter. That's a personal character feature (some would say flaw). A person who is, in general, insecure can either choose to try and improve their self-esteem and start to feel more secure with their self, or they can spend their life avoiding situations that trigger their insecurity. Declaring that you can't do poly on the basis of being insecure is one way to approach life, but it's not one that I would recommend. No matter what kind of relationship you're in, if you're an insecure sort of person, your insecurity is going to be triggered.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-11-2013 at 07:08 PM.
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  #29  
Old 02-11-2013, 07:08 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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If left to my own devices, I'd interpret "truly [whatever]" as "you are either [whatever] or you aren't [whatever]", not as "there is only one way to do [whatever]".

So, that is why we need clarification.

Does ManofDiscovery mean it the way SC understood it, the way I understood it, or some other way?

MoD aadmitted that he is not sure about terminology, which is even MORE of a reason why he should explain himself instead of collapsing into a quivering heap and sputtering "ok FINE! You WIN! Are you HAPPY?" It's called "being a grown-up", and I know I'm going to catch flack for saying such an age-ist thing.
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  #30  
Old 02-11-2013, 07:14 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It's called "being a grown-up", and I know I'm going to catch flack for saying such an age-ist thing.
I fall into the category of people who still don't know what they want to be when they grow-up. That's one of the things I like most about my supervisor. He's a Tier 1 Canada Research Chair, and even he still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up!

Growing up is highly overrated.
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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