Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-10-2013, 11:10 AM
jones's Avatar
jones jones is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: stoke
Posts: 125
Default problem with bf

Hi everyone, me and my bf have been seeing each other for seven months, we are both on a swinger's site because that is how we keep in touch, in the past seven months he has only slept with me and one other woman, just once, they met off the swinger's site and we have said that we are mono and won't see anyone else.

the woman he met posted a comment saying something that she also said in a verification for him, it made me worry, the night she posted that, my bf said he was with a friend and stayed the night and he messaged me the next day saying he was tired ( maybe because he didn't get much sleep)

as I write this out, I understand I may get: do you trust him? and I want to say yes but its that little doubt in my mind, mostly because what she posted.

do you I talk to him, part of me doesn't want to with the fear of losing him but I know if I don't I may get these worries again and I don't want that.
__________________
in a relationship with A, open to women only.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-11-2013, 02:24 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 822
Default

I'd just ask him straight to his face about it, say I was worried after I saw that comment, and that I'd just like him to be honest with me. If he maintains he was at a friends (does he normally spend nights at friends houses?) and his answers don't sit right with you, I'd message the other woman and ask if he was with her on that date. Lots of people probably wouldn't suggest messaging her, but personally my past experiences have made it so I'd rather be safe than sorry, especially if you don't use condoms with him.

I am confused about who is who though...in your sig you have a fiance and a lover, don't know which of those is your bf, or how you maintain being monogamous with that setup listed in it that specifically states you're open (maybe the sig is outdated though).
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-11-2013, 07:52 AM
jones's Avatar
jones jones is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: stoke
Posts: 125
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I'd just ask him straight to his face about it, say I was worried after I saw that comment, and that I'd just like him to be honest with me. If he maintains he was at a friends (does he normally spend nights at friends houses?) and his answers don't sit right with you, I'd message the other woman and ask if he was with her on that date. Lots of people probably wouldn't suggest messaging her, but personally my past experiences have made it so I'd rather be safe than sorry, especially if you don't use condoms with him.

I am confused about who is who though...in your sig you have a fiance and a lover, don't know which of those is your bf, or how you maintain being monogamous with that setup listed in it that specifically states you're open (maybe the sig is outdated though).
Hi, thanks for replying, I know I need to ask him, he does spend nights at friends but it seems funny to me, I did think about messaging her but what right do I have, he will find out and be upset with me, I just don't mess up what we have but you are right I need to know the truth as we don't use condoms.

sorry I can't remember how to update it, I have only been sleeping with him and gaz since October, so we are monogamous. xx
__________________
in a relationship with A, open to women only.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-11-2013, 08:36 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

I would just as him point blank, and tell him your doubts. I wouldn't contact her unless you know her and have been in touch with her before. If not, that would be something I'd think twice about.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jones View Post
sorry I can't remember how to update it, I have only been sleeping with him and gaz since October, so we are monogamous. xx
"Him and gaz" -- sounds like more than one person. If you are seeing two people, why do you say you are monogamous?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-11-2013, 10:25 AM
jones's Avatar
jones jones is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: stoke
Posts: 125
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I would just as him point blank, and tell him your doubts. I wouldn't contact her unless you know her and have been in touch with her before. If not, that would be something I'd think twice about.


"Him and gaz" -- sounds like more than one person. If you are seeing two people, why do you say you are monogamous?
I am sorry but I am not sure there is a word for my relationship, I understand its a vee and we are closed atm but I would say I am mono because I am only seeing them.

thanks for your advice, I am seeing him tonight so will be talking to him then.
__________________
in a relationship with A, open to women only.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-11-2013, 11:11 AM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 782
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jones View Post
I am sorry but I am not sure there is a word for my relationship, I understand its a vee and we are closed atm but I would say I am mono because I am only seeing them.
Polyfi (from polyfidelity, aka polyexclusivity) perhaps? "Monogamous" refers to the number of partners (one), (edit) more than to how open a relationship is.

Last edited by Emm; 02-11-2013 at 11:15 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-11-2013, 12:41 PM
jones's Avatar
jones jones is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: stoke
Posts: 125
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Polyfi (from polyfidelity, aka polyexclusivity) perhaps? "Monogamous" refers to the number of partners (one), (edit) more than to how open a relationship is.
thank you so much for clearing that up xx
__________________
in a relationship with A, open to women only.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:46 AM.