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  #11  
Old 02-08-2013, 04:59 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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You're having someone move into your house who has already shown disrespect for your other partners and relationships. From Yumi's description of the situation there was enough reason to suspect you might be using her a bit. I'm a stranger on the internet; I have no reason to trust you. Glad I was wrong and you don't have a problem with her telling you "No" but since I don't know either of you, yeah, I offered a solution that might help her more comfortably and safely refuse to do something she seemed to feel overly pressured into doing. I'm a huge fan of honesty in HEALTHY relationships, but I'm also a fan of respect and personal boundaries, which you weren't showing, so I'll admit I was a little less concerned about the level of honesty you received.

And maybe you should read some of the other THOUSANDS of other advice posts here before you judge based on one thread where folks gave responses you didn't like.
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  #12  
Old 02-10-2013, 08:09 PM
Ythill Ythill is offline
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Ahahahaha. BoringGuy, I liked your advice a lot. Just sayin.

ThatGirlInGray, now you're trying to justify suggesting dishonesty? LOL. Get a clue.

Last edited by Ythill; 02-10-2013 at 08:13 PM.
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  #13  
Old 02-10-2013, 08:41 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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In a perfect dream world, everyone always says exactly what they mean, no one ever colours the truth, and people don't take advantage of loved ones just because they let us. Too bad we live on a real planet with inconsiderate people and convoluted relationships.

Ythill, you put Yumi in an awkward position. In fact, you put her in such an awkward position that she felt the need to confide in strangers on the internet before talking to you. You have not respected her boundaries in the past. You have not fostered an environment where she felt she can just be open and upfront with you, without facing judgement and animosity. Clearly, you did not ask to use her truck in a way that left her feeling she was allowed to say no. Had you done so, she wouldn't have needed to ask our advice.

When I ask someone for a potentially awkward favour, I begin it with "I have a favour to ask you. You can say no if you want. Please say no if you don't really want to do it. I was just wondering if you would be willing to _______. But only if you want to." Yep... I remind them three times that they can say no. Redundancy Department of Redundancy. Then if they say "yes," I then say "Are you sure? You don't have to if you don't want to."

All of this is redundant, because I know that someone can always say no if a favour is asked of them, and that no hard feelings should ever be had for saying no to a favour asked. That's why it's called a favour. But I want to be sure, beyond any reasonable doubt, that they're doing it because they want to and not because they feel pressured.
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  #14  
Old 02-10-2013, 08:42 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ythill View Post
Ahahahaha. BoringGuy, I liked your advice a lot. Just sayin.
SSrsly though. It's always better to get the other side(s) of the story. Only sometimes the other person reads the comments so far and feels "judged", and tthings turn into a clusterfuck.

The thing is, my Spouse and i both drive pickup trucks, so i'm looking at it from that angle instead of through the Lens of the Polyamorous Relationship: you wanna use my truck? don't fuck up my shit. that's just all there is to it.

having said that, if you want this to go down as though the OP is loaning her truck to YOU and thus by PROXY to the other lady, then YOU need to address the problem in the relationship which i believe has something to do with Other Lady stepping off when it comes to your private time with the OP.

So you see, your side of the story made a little bit of difference to the suggestion, but not a whole lot. the basic principle is still the same.

Have a day!
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  #15  
Old 02-10-2013, 08:51 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ythill View Post
ThatGirlInGray, now you're trying to justify suggesting dishonesty? LOL. Get a clue.
Just for the record, TGIG is a respected member of this forum and you're just some nobody who came along acting all self-entitled and judgemental. Of course, you have no reason to care if you're making yourself look bad to strangers on the internet. I'm just sayin', you are.

Sure, relationships work best when everyone is honest. But you know what else they need? Respect, boundaries, and consideration. If you're not willing to provide the last 3, why should you expect to receive the first?

I happen to agree that there are situations that require little fibs in order to protect yourself. In this case, it's situations where someone is not being treated with respect and consideration. Respect begets respect and disrespect begets disrespect. You reap what you sow. I could turn this around and come up with examples of how you've been dishonest, e.g. leading Yumi to believe that date nights were something special that would have some kind of consideration in your life.

And all of that pales in comparison to not only dating someone who has no respect for your existing relationships, but then allowing that person to move in with you. What does S think about that? Is B going to respect the fact that it's S's house first, and B is living there as a guest because she's in a tight spot? Or is she going to storm in and take over the place, thinking that because she's your co-primary and it's "her house now" that she has the right to do whatever she wants there? Past behaviour tends to speak more towards future behaviour than does wishful thinking.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-10-2013 at 08:58 PM.
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  #16  
Old 02-10-2013, 09:03 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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the OP did say upthread that there has been "drama" between S the wife and B the girlfriend. it probably had something to do with B trying to "storm in and take over" or whatever it was you just said (on ipod & lazy).
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