Female Asexual married to Male Hypersexual: Hope poly bridges the gap

[FindingMyselfInTheGrey]

Funny, I came to this site looking for support and advice as Hubby and I entered into a poly relationship. What I found was judgment and a serious lack of general kindness. I am incredibly frustrated by this feeling of having to constantly justify the terms that Hubby and I have chosen to describe our sexual desire levels. These terms were chosen because they are widely accepted by the LGBTQA community and we use them in the same way that they are used by that community.

Asking clarifying questions is one thing. I am very happy to share personal experiences and establish understanding so that conversation can continue with all parties understanding the terms as they are being used.

As I see it, to constantly refuse to accept the term hypersexual is pretty judgmental. Telling me, my term is incorrect and that my husband is not hypersexual, but merely "super dee dooper" horny is pretty offensive.

Think about it; would you like it if I told you that you're not really poly amorous, just really, really, unable to commit to a 'proper' male-female model of marriage and commitment. It would not just be rude but you would most likely also be offended.

If you don't like the terms that I use, which are widely accepted, except (apparently) by you, then we do not really need to share in any communication.

[kdt26417]

My apologies if I gave any offense. I tinker with words sometimes and I honestly had never heard of the word hypersexual before. If that's the word that's widely in use, then I'm not opposed to using it.

Hopefully we won't get too focused on terminology and can just have a discussion about relationship matters.

Regards,
Kevin T.

[Magdlyn]

Gray, I am sorry you feel judged. I find the term hypersexual offensive, I guess. I've been a member of the LGBTQA (emphasis on bi and queer) since puberty, I am now 57, I've never heard the term before. And it's not like I've been living under a rock.

If it doesn't refer to sexual addiction, but just a craving for sex once or twice a day, I just don't find that "too much." As kdt is trying to point out, do you refer to yourself as "hyposexual" since you want sex so rarely? It seems to me you prefer the term "gray." I prefer the term "horny" to describe my desires. If your husband is not insulted by being called hyper, fine by me. His choice. Again, I find it vaguely insulting. Hypersexual is just a skosh away from saying oversexed, and hyposexual is just a jot away from saying undersexed or frigid. IMHO.

Do your "LGBTQA" community friends use the hypo term as well as hyper?

I do not mean to hurt anyone's feelings here. I am not harping on the term, just trying to clarify since it is new to me.

Also, I am not merely discussing the term, but also sharing my experiences of being unequally sexually matched with one of my partners, as you are, and how we handle it by luckily being polyamorous. I have also wished you and your h well in finding satisfaction for his desires with another partner (or more than one).

[FirstofThree]

Finding Myself,

I agree with you that a lot of focus is being thrown at your terminology and very little on welcoming you or helping answer your questions about polyamory, how it might work for you, what challenges you might face and how we have overcome those challenges in the past. Many of us have fought through these kinds of situations, and I think some of the pain of those memories is coloring the replies you've been getting.

I have been in a sexually unequal relationship for many years. I desire sex 4-8 times a week, while my partner only wants sex 12 times a year. Do you read Dan Savage? He talks a lot about the situation. In relationships with a wide sexual desire disparity it is usually the case that the less- or asexual partner's needs trumps the more- or hyper-sexual partner's needs. Many of us have lived with this situation, loving our partner and feeling undesirable, and don't want to be pathologized any more than you do. On behalf of those who got a bit prickly before; sorry. We're all in the same boat, just at different ends of the spectrum. None of us needs to be labeled as "too" sexual, any more than you should be labled "not sexual enough".

Anyway, enough about us. I'm glad that you and your husband are exploring polyamory. My partner and I have been poly for about a year, and while we've experienced some turbulence, it's been really great! I do have some advice for you:

1) You have arrived at polyamory as a way to help your husband feel attractive and sexually fulfilled so that he can love and cherish you the way you both want. It will be much easier for that arrangement to work if you have as few restrictions on his partners as possible. Of course it would be wonderful if his secondary became a third in a triad (so many snuggles!), but if you're both looking for that element there may be people well suited to being his secondary partner who he passes by or who get scared off because a triad isn't what they want.

2) Remember to think of your husband's partner's perspective. It's really intimidating to be with someone who is so committed to a long-term partner. You can do a lot to make that person feel welcome and safe in her budding relationship: cultivate a relaxed, warm attitude, be available to talk but have not demands or needs of your own. If that person is well suited to your husband, the relationship he has with you, and the lifestyle you are embarking on it's likely that your overtures will be well received and a genuine friendship will grow. Maybe that friendship will grow into love, intimacy and a shared life. Maybe not.

And finally a question: are you also looking to find secondary partners, perhaps who are similarly grey-asexual?

[MeeraReed]

Please don't give up on this forum. Your story is very moving and heartfelt.

I think you misunderstood--I don't think anyone was trying to attack you or make you feel unwelcome. (I had never heard the term "hypersexual" in a positive context either, so I understand why some people found it jarring).

Lots of people on this forum have VERY GOOD advice and are coming from a very caring, compassionate place. So please keep reading on here, and post more of your story as it becomes relevant.

[JaneQSmythe]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

He may seem super dee dooper horny because he's gone without for so long. It's like starvation. If you don't get to eat enough for weeks, months, years on end, it gets to where all you can think about is food. Likewise with sex. If he's been deprived for years, he may become seemingly obsessed. Once he is on a regular diet he may feel satisfied with X number of times a week, after a while of gorging himself.

This! My poor boyfriend...

MrS and I have drastically different sex drives - he's fine with a few times a year. I'd like a few times a week. A couple of decades of this and I was full of "horny". Then Dude came along - my horny + NRE = lots of sex...initially. Once my "deprivation" had been assuaged... I was back to my "few times a week" and he is still a "few times a day" guy (we tease him that he needs a "morning girlfriend" - 'cause he likes "morning sex" and that is SOOOOO not on my radar - NOT a morning girl!)

JaneQ

[Ceraste1]

I am the husband to "findingmyselfinthegrey".
I wasnt going to post anything but some of the posts rather irk me for lack of a better term. I almost feel like my wife is on the recieving end of the Bill Clinton inquisition board to try and define the word "is". If you find the word Hypersexual offensive and you have never heard the term before and your 57 and been living this life and on here as a Senior member and this is rather how you delve out advice then we really dont need this place.

We are not unicorn hunting..which her and I both found offensive to suggest beings she mearly introduced herself and told what we might like to achieve in life. We have done some reading and mearly wanted to branch out to others and learn some of the successes and pitfalls of living and exploring this lifestyle. I have spent over 20 years in service for this country and i believe everyone the right to their opinion. I find it rather distasteful how she was cut down here and treated with litte respect or regard. I would have thought that a "freelove" society would have been a little more open and understanding and maybe even asked the question before spewing forth what they thought was there definition of what is right and wrong.

Isnt happiness in life what everyone is looking for? Is it better to be the whale in the pond full of minnows? I think you owe her an apology for the way you spoke to her. She used no discrimitory or dirogitory terms here and meant zero offense to anyone. All the words and what she wanted into life didnt fit into your little box of reality so instead of being nice and talking about it, its better to be rude. Great forum. Sorry we dont want to have a half dozen people in our life. Sorry we cant be like you. Where I live and what I do for a living this is going to be tough enough, it would have been nice to talk to people and get some support rather then the welcome she recieved. Hope this isnt how all new members are recieved. One person knows everything and the rest stand around and take it.

Funny enough you took offense to a term you never heard from a person you never met and didnt know how it was used.

Oh and in case your wondering why I didnt have an introduction....Lord knows I didnt want to offend someone because I want sex twice a day every day 7 days a week and I dont have a term for what I am....I am definatly not just horny

[Cleo]

Originally Posted by FindingMyselfInTheGrey

Not to split hairs but having the two terms as synonyms is akin to calling every heavy drinker an alcoholic (i.e. addicted to alcohol). The key difference between being a heavy consumer of alcohol, food, sex or anything else and being an addict is that (as you say) an addiction is a behavior that is out of control in your life, and that is messing your life up.

In this case hypersexuality is only a problem because I'm an asexual. If I had a normal sex drive it wouldn't be a problem at all.

This I find interesting. If you had a normal sex drive it would match his? doesn't that simply mean that he has a normal sex drive? Otherwise, there would be a problem.

[jmk]

this time apart can be a good thing. re discover each other to rebuild the foundation. i feel that you and i are alot alike in many ways regarding sex and would love to correspond more in depth. i am not asexual, i enjoy sex if i am in the right frame of mind, and the stars line up right....but do have a low sex drive and look at it the same way you do... and of course lion is close to hyper-sexual...by his own admissions. but i just broke my arm and am limiting myself from one handed typing...might be time to invest in that dragon software advertised.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by Ceraste1

I am the husband to "findingmyselfinthegrey".
I wasnt going to post anything but some of the posts rather irk me for lack of a better term. I almost feel like my wife is on the recieving end of the Bill Clinton inquisition board to try and define the word "is". If you find the word Hypersexual offensive and you have never heard the term before and your 57 and been living this life and on here as a Senior member and this is rather how you delve out advice then we really dont need this place.

I understand you're feeling cranky. I've moved on... Of course, your wife can use whatever term she likes, from her asexual, sometimes antisexual board. However, I'd say this is a sex positive board here, and being called "overly" sexual ("hyper" being Latin for "too much") is going to offend some of us who just feel we have a strong healthy sex drive-- on the high end of average perhaps, but not "too much".

Now that you've put a number on your desires, twice a day, 7 days a week, I'd say, yeah, you're a horny guy, maybe more like a teen or 20something. However, many post-menopausal women have sex drives like teen boys, no longer being bombarded with estrogen and progesterone every month. If we can find partners or masturbate to satisfaction, and we don't miss work or other commitments just to have sex, well, it's not too much or an addiction.

We are not unicorn hunting..which her and I both found offensive to suggest beings she mearly introduced herself and told what we might like to achieve in life. We have done some reading and mearly wanted to branch out to others and learn some of the successes and pitfalls of living and exploring this lifestyle. ... I find it rather distasteful how she was cut down here and treated with litte respect or regard. I would have thought that a "freelove" society would have been a little more open and understanding and maybe even asked the question before spewing forth what they thought was there definition of what is right and wrong.

You will see unicorn hunters being warned off their quest with regularity here. Funny, people new to poly think we are all, or should be, "open" to just about anything. Being poly, however, does not mean one is open to anything! We all have our standards and boundaries. Many of us have been burnt in unicorn/triad attempts, as either the prey or the hunters... It's a red flag.

...I think you owe her an apology for the way you spoke to her. She used no discrimitory or dirogitory terms here and meant zero offense to anyone. All the words and what she wanted into life didnt fit into your little box of reality so instead of being nice and talking about it, its better to be rude. Great forum. Sorry we dont want to have a half dozen people in our life. Sorry we cant be like you.

I thought I was being nice and talking about it. And no, I certainly do not have a half dozen people in my life. I've got a bf and a gf. In the past year I've been seeing my bf, we've socialized as a 3some 6 or 8 times. After 6 months of knowing my bf, he and my gf realized they were attracted to each other so we've had a few play sessions... It was never a goal and we don't desire to do it often. Currently my bf and gf do not have other lovers or cuddle partners and are not seriously seeking any.


My ex-husband and I, in fact, started out as unicorn hunters ourselves, in our ignorance and naivete, back in 1999.

Hope this isnt how all new members are recieved. One person knows everything and the rest stand around and take it.

Spend a little time here and you will see this is hardly the case. You will get some advice you may not expect or welcome as noobs, however. We aren't "yes men" here.

Oh and in case your wondering why I didnt have an introduction....Lord knows I didnt want to offend someone because I want sex twice a day every day 7 days a week and I dont have a term for what I am....I am definatly not just horny

So, you feel wanting sex twice a day is a problem, an abnormality? As I said above, for me, it's not a terrible problem.

Good luck with your marriage and dating! I hope you both find the partner(s) of your dreams.