Female Asexual married to Male Hypersexual: Hope poly bridges the gap

Funny, I came to this site looking for support and advice as Hubby and I entered into a poly relationship. What I found was judgment and a serious lack of general kindness. I am incredibly frustrated by this feeling of having to constantly justify the terms that Hubby and I have chosen to describe our sexual desire levels. These terms were chosen because they are widely accepted by the LGBTQA community and we use them in the same way that they are used by that community.

Asking clarifying questions is one thing. I am very happy to share personal experiences and establish understanding so that conversation can continue with all parties understanding the terms as they are being used.

As I see it, to constantly refuse to accept the term hypersexual is pretty judgmental. Telling me, my term is incorrect and that my husband is not hypersexual, but merely "super dee dooper" horny is pretty offensive.

Think about it; would you like it if I told you that you're not really poly amorous, just really, really, unable to commit to a 'proper' male-female model of marriage and commitment. It would not just be rude but you would most likely also be offended.

If you don't like the terms that I use, which are widely accepted, except (apparently) by you, then we do not really need to share in any communication.
 
My apologies if I gave any offense. I tinker with words sometimes and I honestly had never heard of the word hypersexual before. If that's the word that's widely in use, then I'm not opposed to using it.

Hopefully we won't get too focused on terminology and can just have a discussion about relationship matters.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Gray, I am sorry you feel judged. I find the term hypersexual offensive, I guess. I've been a member of the LGBTQA (emphasis on bi and queer) since puberty, I am now 57, I've never heard the term before. And it's not like I've been living under a rock.

If it doesn't refer to sexual addiction, but just a craving for sex once or twice a day, I just don't find that "too much." As kdt is trying to point out, do you refer to yourself as "hyposexual" since you want sex so rarely? It seems to me you prefer the term "gray." I prefer the term "horny" to describe my desires. If your husband is not insulted by being called hyper, fine by me. His choice. Again, I find it vaguely insulting. Hypersexual is just a skosh away from saying oversexed, and hyposexual is just a jot away from saying undersexed or frigid. IMHO.

Do your "LGBTQA" community friends use the hypo term as well as hyper?

I do not mean to hurt anyone's feelings here. I am not harping on the term, just trying to clarify since it is new to me.

Also, I am not merely discussing the term, but also sharing my experiences of being unequally sexually matched with one of my partners, as you are, and how we handle it by luckily being polyamorous. I have also wished you and your h well in finding satisfaction for his desires with another partner (or more than one).
 
Finding Myself,

I agree with you that a lot of focus is being thrown at your terminology and very little on welcoming you or helping answer your questions about polyamory, how it might work for you, what challenges you might face and how we have overcome those challenges in the past. Many of us have fought through these kinds of situations, and I think some of the pain of those memories is coloring the replies you've been getting.

I have been in a sexually unequal relationship for many years. I desire sex 4-8 times a week, while my partner only wants sex 12 times a year. Do you read Dan Savage? He talks a lot about the situation. In relationships with a wide sexual desire disparity it is usually the case that the less- or asexual partner's needs trumps the more- or hyper-sexual partner's needs. Many of us have lived with this situation, loving our partner and feeling undesirable, and don't want to be pathologized any more than you do. On behalf of those who got a bit prickly before; sorry. We're all in the same boat, just at different ends of the spectrum. None of us needs to be labeled as "too" sexual, any more than you should be labled "not sexual enough".

Anyway, enough about us. I'm glad that you and your husband are exploring polyamory. My partner and I have been poly for about a year, and while we've experienced some turbulence, it's been really great! I do have some advice for you:

1) You have arrived at polyamory as a way to help your husband feel attractive and sexually fulfilled so that he can love and cherish you the way you both want. It will be much easier for that arrangement to work if you have as few restrictions on his partners as possible. Of course it would be wonderful if his secondary became a third in a triad (so many snuggles!), but if you're both looking for that element there may be people well suited to being his secondary partner who he passes by or who get scared off because a triad isn't what they want.

2) Remember to think of your husband's partner's perspective. It's really intimidating to be with someone who is so committed to a long-term partner. You can do a lot to make that person feel welcome and safe in her budding relationship: cultivate a relaxed, warm attitude, be available to talk but have not demands or needs of your own. If that person is well suited to your husband, the relationship he has with you, and the lifestyle you are embarking on it's likely that your overtures will be well received and a genuine friendship will grow. Maybe that friendship will grow into love, intimacy and a shared life. Maybe not.

And finally a question: are you also looking to find secondary partners, perhaps who are similarly grey-asexual?
 
Please don't give up on this forum. Your story is very moving and heartfelt.

I think you misunderstood--I don't think anyone was trying to attack you or make you feel unwelcome. (I had never heard the term "hypersexual" in a positive context either, so I understand why some people found it jarring).

Lots of people on this forum have VERY GOOD advice and are coming from a very caring, compassionate place. So please keep reading on here, and post more of your story as it becomes relevant.
 
He may seem super dee dooper horny because he's gone without for so long. It's like starvation. If you don't get to eat enough for weeks, months, years on end, it gets to where all you can think about is food. Likewise with sex. If he's been deprived for years, he may become seemingly obsessed. Once he is on a regular diet he may feel satisfied with X number of times a week, after a while of gorging himself.

This! My poor boyfriend...

MrS and I have drastically different sex drives - he's fine with a few times a year. I'd like a few times a week. A couple of decades of this and I was full of "horny". Then Dude came along - my horny + NRE = lots of sex...initially. Once my "deprivation" had been assuaged... I was back to my "few times a week" and he is still a "few times a day" guy (we tease him that he needs a "morning girlfriend" - 'cause he likes "morning sex" and that is SOOOOO not on my radar - NOT a morning girl!)

JaneQ
 
To Magdlyn

I am the husband to "findingmyselfinthegrey".
I wasnt going to post anything but some of the posts rather irk me for lack of a better term. I almost feel like my wife is on the recieving end of the Bill Clinton inquisition board to try and define the word "is". If you find the word Hypersexual offensive and you have never heard the term before and your 57 and been living this life and on here as a Senior member and this is rather how you delve out advice then we really dont need this place.

We are not unicorn hunting..which her and I both found offensive to suggest beings she mearly introduced herself and told what we might like to achieve in life. We have done some reading and mearly wanted to branch out to others and learn some of the successes and pitfalls of living and exploring this lifestyle. I have spent over 20 years in service for this country and i believe everyone the right to their opinion. I find it rather distasteful how she was cut down here and treated with litte respect or regard. I would have thought that a "freelove" society would have been a little more open and understanding and maybe even asked the question before spewing forth what they thought was there definition of what is right and wrong.

Isnt happiness in life what everyone is looking for? Is it better to be the whale in the pond full of minnows? I think you owe her an apology for the way you spoke to her. She used no discrimitory or dirogitory terms here and meant zero offense to anyone. All the words and what she wanted into life didnt fit into your little box of reality so instead of being nice and talking about it, its better to be rude. Great forum. Sorry we dont want to have a half dozen people in our life. Sorry we cant be like you. Where I live and what I do for a living this is going to be tough enough, it would have been nice to talk to people and get some support rather then the welcome she recieved. Hope this isnt how all new members are recieved. One person knows everything and the rest stand around and take it.

Funny enough you took offense to a term you never heard from a person you never met and didnt know how it was used.

Oh and in case your wondering why I didnt have an introduction....Lord knows I didnt want to offend someone because I want sex twice a day every day 7 days a week and I dont have a term for what I am....I am definatly not just horny
 
Not to split hairs but having the two terms as synonyms is akin to calling every heavy drinker an alcoholic (i.e. addicted to alcohol). The key difference between being a heavy consumer of alcohol, food, sex or anything else and being an addict is that (as you say) an addiction is a behavior that is out of control in your life, and that is messing your life up.

In this case hypersexuality is only a problem because I'm an asexual. If I had a normal sex drive it wouldn't be a problem at all.

This I find interesting. If you had a normal sex drive it would match his? doesn't that simply mean that he has a normal sex drive? Otherwise, there would be a problem.
 
this time apart can be a good thing. re discover each other to rebuild the foundation. i feel that you and i are alot alike in many ways regarding sex and would love to correspond more in depth. i am not asexual, i enjoy sex if i am in the right frame of mind, and the stars line up right....but do have a low sex drive and look at it the same way you do... and of course lion is close to hyper-sexual...by his own admissions. but i just broke my arm and am limiting myself from one handed typing...might be time to invest in that dragon software advertised. :)
 
I am the husband to "findingmyselfinthegrey".
I wasnt going to post anything but some of the posts rather irk me for lack of a better term. I almost feel like my wife is on the recieving end of the Bill Clinton inquisition board to try and define the word "is". If you find the word Hypersexual offensive and you have never heard the term before and your 57 and been living this life and on here as a Senior member and this is rather how you delve out advice then we really dont need this place.

I understand you're feeling cranky. I've moved on... Of course, your wife can use whatever term she likes, from her asexual, sometimes antisexual board. However, I'd say this is a sex positive board here, and being called "overly" sexual ("hyper" being Latin for "too much") is going to offend some of us who just feel we have a strong healthy sex drive-- on the high end of average perhaps, but not "too much".

Now that you've put a number on your desires, twice a day, 7 days a week, I'd say, yeah, you're a horny guy, maybe more like a teen or 20something. However, many post-menopausal women have sex drives like teen boys, no longer being bombarded with estrogen and progesterone every month. If we can find partners or masturbate to satisfaction, and we don't miss work or other commitments just to have sex, well, it's not too much or an addiction.

We are not unicorn hunting..which her and I both found offensive to suggest beings she mearly introduced herself and told what we might like to achieve in life. We have done some reading and mearly wanted to branch out to others and learn some of the successes and pitfalls of living and exploring this lifestyle. ... I find it rather distasteful how she was cut down here and treated with litte respect or regard. I would have thought that a "freelove" society would have been a little more open and understanding and maybe even asked the question before spewing forth what they thought was there definition of what is right and wrong.

You will see unicorn hunters being warned off their quest with regularity here. Funny, people new to poly think we are all, or should be, "open" to just about anything. Being poly, however, does not mean one is open to anything! We all have our standards and boundaries. Many of us have been burnt in unicorn/triad attempts, as either the prey or the hunters... It's a red flag.

...I think you owe her an apology for the way you spoke to her. She used no discrimitory or dirogitory terms here and meant zero offense to anyone. All the words and what she wanted into life didnt fit into your little box of reality so instead of being nice and talking about it, its better to be rude. Great forum. Sorry we dont want to have a half dozen people in our life. Sorry we cant be like you.

I thought I was being nice and talking about it. And no, I certainly do not have a half dozen people in my life. I've got a bf and a gf. In the past year I've been seeing my bf, we've socialized as a 3some 6 or 8 times. After 6 months of knowing my bf, he and my gf realized they were attracted to each other so we've had a few play sessions... It was never a goal and we don't desire to do it often. Currently my bf and gf do not have other lovers or cuddle partners and are not seriously seeking any.


My ex-husband and I, in fact, started out as unicorn hunters ourselves, in our ignorance and naivete, back in 1999.

Hope this isnt how all new members are recieved. One person knows everything and the rest stand around and take it.

Spend a little time here and you will see this is hardly the case. You will get some advice you may not expect or welcome as noobs, however. We aren't "yes men" here.

Oh and in case your wondering why I didnt have an introduction....Lord knows I didnt want to offend someone because I want sex twice a day every day 7 days a week and I dont have a term for what I am....I am definatly not just horny

So, you feel wanting sex twice a day is a problem, an abnormality? As I said above, for me, it's not a terrible problem.

Good luck with your marriage and dating! I hope you both find the partner(s) of your dreams.
 
Hello there FindingMyselfInTheGrey,

I just joined this place recently but have been attracted to the lifestyle for many years. I lived it for a little while so I know it can work but only if everyone agrees on everything.

I too find your story very moving and I too found out about your situation recently, of there being people such as yourself that do not desire sexual relations but are full of love and willing to give it and receive it. You sound like you went to the ends of the earth just to find your true love once again.

I was also with someone hypersexual for many years and would also just go along with it to make him happy. I do not consider myself an asexual as I feel I have a normal sex drive. I may be with someone at the moment that has a low sex drive but has on nonetheless.

At least now I feel I don’t have to “put out” when I don’t want to and it’s sort of a relief, as you called it a “chore”, much like doing the dishes…they gotta be done, just as the hubby’s gotta be done.

If you want to chat with me, I’m someone you can reach out to if you ever just wanna talk about it, such as living with three people in a polyamorous relationship, such as what are the pitfalls and the rewards.
 
Triad relationships

I have the book called "Opening up". It explores many options of open relationships. If a triad- means three people and its part of polyamory living or lifestyle then what is the problem of a couple seeking just a single female or male for a relationship? How can it be all red flags and taboo and reeks of bad things if its what you and your mate are looking for to find fulfillment and happiness. I am open for any wisdom that someone wants to impart because I really dont get the problem that is always associated when someone posts this and I cant find a difinitive answer.

JD
 
Here is a link to a post where people were discussing some of the terms that illicit negative feelings/responses. It's a few pages, but the first few post might give you an idea of why certain terms raise some red flags for people.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17481

In theory, there is nothing wrong with having a closed triad. However, more often than not, the "unicorn" or "hot bi babe" is the one that gets the short end of the stick.

Personally, anytime people seem like they are trying to fit real people in the real world into their fantasy - I see red flags as do many others and therefore they go into warning mode. Ah, wait a minute, back up, are you really meaning to say what I heard you say...
 
triad

Hello,
Thanks for your response. I can understand how that person would get a bad end of the stick if it was a one sided relationship, however that being said my wife isnt bi, just wants to be included in some aspects of the relationship. I have read how impossible things are and I get it peoples feelings on the matter. What I dont understand is if it makes that third partner happy, then why all the disgust. At the end of the day if your happy in life and where you are and your not hurting people or short change peoples expectations then I have no problem with this. I kind of find it entertaining that its acceptable to find multiple partners but its frowned upon to find one. maybe I missed the mark.

I do appreciate the links I will check them out. I dont want to be percieved as a bad person here. I know what kind of secret life I use to lead to get what I needed from life as far as sex is concerned. I was tired of running around and taking care of my business in hiding. Being out in the open with my wife has made my life easier but with a new set of concerns. Would I be happy if I can find some one that is willing to share what I see in my wife? yes. Is it practical to think this? maybe not. I am always positive and hopeful. Never know how life will pan out.

JD
 
Your point is well-made that as long as all three people are happy with the arrangement, then there is not a problem. (Of course the same principle applies to four-person arrangements, etc.)
 
Triad

I appreciate the links and I get what the hype is about concering the doublestandards of "how unicorns feel". I will say that there are two sides to every coin, for every mistreated woman im sure there is one that is treated very well. In my case, she is Asexual...if she could deal with all of my needs I wouldnt be on this forum discussing my life and trying to figure out what works for US. I dont want her to feel one sided in any way. Its not a issue for her because her needs are met on all aspects of life. She approached me on this and I thought how great it would be to open our home and share our life. With what I do and all that we are involved with we really have allot to give and share. Sex is a big issue for me with no doubt. I really didnt expect to be cast as the one "Red Flagged". With what I have done for the past 20ish years of my life, I have learned one thing.. we have a freedom of choice still in this country...unless that is taken too. You can choose to live a shitty existance and be a third wheel or take the helm and have a great life. My wife and I have spoken together about this at great lengths. I have zero desire to make her feel onesided. From what I read, Poly is allot of different things, none really limiting as long as both primary partners agree and are happy. If one is just settling then that at the end of the day is there sacrafice and choice. We are not in this for hot threesomes or other activities like that. Just looking to find that special someone that will fit into our lives as much as we could fit into theirs. Nieve maybe..who knows. Life is crazy. I could very easily use some of the women in my past for threesomes. Its not what either of us want. Is it a great fantasy...of course. Not the reason of our search.

I appreciate advice and critisism as always. I dont pretend to know how to spell :)

JD
 
I really didnt expect to be cast as the one "Red Flagged".

Maybe I need to go back and re-read everything, but I didn't see that. I did see you take offense and misunderstand what some others were trying to say and vice versa. Raising a red flag by what term is used - no big deal, someone will explain. Raising a red flag by unrealistic expectations - again not really a big deal and no one thinks your the big bad wolf or anything either, but people will try and bring you back down to earth so some future partner doesn't get burned because they don't fit your expectations. People here want to see RELATIONSHIPS work! They will give advice and warnings alike.
 
From what I read, Poly is allot of different things, none really limiting as long as both primary partners agree and are happy.

'both primary partners' implies a high degree of monogamous, couple-centric, not-necessarily-poly thinking. Many folks who are poly do not have or want a 'primary' partner. If your goal is a triad, then you won't be a primary 'couple' anymore. Which is fine of course, I just recommend you call it something else.

I appreciate advice and critisism as always.

Well, that's refreshingly different than your first post.

You may find this article interesting or helpful. I think it's the best thing I've read that explains why people take exception to the term 'unicorn hunter.'
http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-called-you-a-unicorn-hunter/
 
I am glad you're reading and chatting more comfortably here now, Ceraste.

As I said upthread, I can totally relate to your high sex drive. While my gf is far from asexual, her drive does come and go, and I can get frustrated on the days or weeks when she's not interested in sex. Since she and I have been together, for the first 3 years, I was constantly on ok cupid dating site looking for another lover/play partner/ boyfriend, whatever! Finally I found my bf, Ginger, a year ago.

Most of the men I dated did not meet her. A few did. She wasn't expecting me to bring her home a friend or cuddle partner. Sure, we both thought it would be nice if one of the guys ended up being friendly with her, but miss pixi is well able to find friends and cuddles on her own. She didn't need it as a side benefit of me having a boyfriend. And we weren't looking for someone to "open our home to" full time. Heck, we've been a couple 4 years now and are only now planning to move in together this summer.

But you do your thing! There are as many ways to do poly as there are people doing it. It's a nice goal to wish a lover of yours could be a close platonic friend to your wife! Just plan on being patient as far as a full triad goes (one relationship sexual, one r/ship platonic but cuddly and romantic)... There just aren't that many single women out there willing to move in with an established couple. It's a big risk.
 
Triad

All,
I appreciate and always welcome constructive critisism. I know that for every opinion that there is a different side to it. I dont have the first clue as to how to go about achieving what we want in life which is why we are here. I know what I would like to have happen. Wether its realistic or not, its hard to tell. Im sure that there is someone on this forum that has had some level of success and unfortunate failure to learn from. I have led a secret life for quite some time. I was rather good at it but it was way to taxing on my physical and mental being always living a lie like that. I dont want that. My wife dont deserve that. If I have to live as a "hinge" and both partners never speak but know about each other I am sure it would be easier living but im sure presents its own set of unique problems. The book I have is rather vague on setting up things like that. I am really open to conversations or private chat about it. :)

JD
 
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