What happened? or what's wrong with me?

[poobah123]

So after a 1.5 year experience with Polyamory I am left questioning why things didn't work out. Primarily it was me out of the four who had problems with it and eventually ended it. However I continue to believe in this and question things. Primarily I ended the relationship(s) because I just wasn't enjoying myself.

First Problem
I really never became comfortable with my wife and someones else sexually. Mostly because of feeling inadequate. Why? Well we are somewhat incompatible. I have erection issues and she only orgasms on top. Mostly she uses the vibrator now but she has always lacked sensitivity. Meaning she felt nothing from me orally nor her other lover. Truth is she told me she had the same problems orgasming from her other lover too so it shouldn't have bother me but it did.

Second problem
While my lover was attractive she wasn't my "type". I had only ever been my wife before so maybe this had something to do with it. Now I know when you love someone this shouldn't matter but physical and hormonal feelings do matter. I just wasn't "feeling it". Only occasionally did I feel the urge to be physical with her. Whereas with my wife (who is my type) I feel the urge 24 hours per day.

Today
So it's been a year since anyones been physical. We are all really good friends. Kind of like family and it good. However I always consider going back. Why? When we started we did it the wrong way. Lot's of mistakes where made and lessons learned. I do have feeling for the other person and does my wife.

Now here is the real kicker. I do every once in a while feel like having sex with my lover. Fact is on a compatability scale for me like 90% of it comes from our chemistry emotionally with sexual acts. Meaning we could have incredible phone sex, rough sex, slow, anywhere sex. I literally can tease and play with her all day without having sex until she is at the point she would do anything. She loves it and I enjoy seeing her enjoy it. Alas, then we get physical and it's not so much exciting for me. WTF is wrong with me?

I do feel like I have overcome lots of my insecurity. Sure learned a lot in a short period. Since I am someone whose mind NEVER stops thinking..well hence the above book

I guess I'm just looking for opinions. I respect many of you on these forums and still believe in being poly.

[NovemberRain]

Originally Posted by poobah123

Primarily I ended the relationship(s) because I just wasn't enjoying myself.

That sounds like a pretty good reason to end it.

Originally Posted by poobah123

... from her other lover too so it shouldn't have bother me but it did.

It's not really productive to should on yourself. Feelings are what they are, there is no should. Telling yourself you shouldn't have feelings doesn't help. It's perfectly okay to feel bothered. About anything. Could be an indicator that action is needed, but it might just be a feeling...

Originally Posted by poobah123

While my lover was attractive she wasn't my "type". I had only ever been my wife before so maybe this had something to do with it. Now I know when you love someone this shouldn't matter but physical and hormonal feelings do matter. I just wasn't "feeling it". Only occasionally did I feel the urge to be physical with her. Whereas with my wife (who is my type) I feel the urge 24 hours per day.

Why shouldn't it matter? Does it matter to you if it's man or a woman? Oh, so some things matter. (to me, it doesn't matter what the plumbing is, but I have other preferences) It's taken me forever to get okay with having preferences, because I believed that it 'shouldn't' matter too. If it matters, it matters. There's enough people to choose from, it's perfectly okay to have a preference.

Originally Posted by poobah123

WTF is wrong with me?

Not a thing that i can see, from this post.

Originally Posted by poobah123

I guess I'm just looking for opinions. I respect many of you on these forums and still believe in being poly.

Not really clear on what you're asking, if it was more than wtf.

[poobah123]

Thank you for taking the time to respond!!

lol yea that about sums it up. I guess I have never experienced this. Being into someone with my mind and being so compatible. We think SO much a like that sexual tension is easy to play with and escalate. It's fun as anything but from the physical standpoint not so much.

I guess if there was a lineup of 10 women I would think she is pretty for sure but wouldn't single her out as a "I'd love to hit that" type of girl (guy line).

I've been told I am shallow because of this but it's how I feel. I do feel like once in a while the physical part would be cool. Actually now that much time has passed I wonder to myself how I would feel today. Wonder if I overcame all of my hold ups and would actually enjoy it.

[GalaGirl]

Primarily I ended the relationship(s) because I just wasn't enjoying myself.

Sounds like a good reason to end it then.

I really never became comfortable with my wife and someones else sexually. Mostly because of feeling inadequate. Why? Well we are somewhat incompatible. I have erection issues and she only orgasms on top. Mostly she uses the vibrator now but she has always lacked sensitivity. Meaning she felt nothing from me orally nor her other lover. Truth is she told me she had the same problems orgasming from her other lover too so it shouldn't have bother me but it did.

Why does your wife have to orgasm from you from your penis for you to feel "adequate?" You could hold the vibrator to bring her to orgasm, right?

Meaning we could have incredible phone sex, rough sex, slow, anywhere sex. I literally can tease and play with her all day without having sex until she is at the point she would do anything. She loves it and I enjoy seeing her enjoy it.

Great. Enjoy!

Alas, then we get physical and it's not so much exciting for me. WTF is wrong with me?

Erectile dysfunction you mean? When you try to have penetration? Is it because you worry about bringing her to orgasm like you do the wife?

Are you of age for andropause?

Something else?

I do feel like I have overcome lots of my insecurity.

This is good. But "overcoming lots" is not you saying "I am secure."

So what other areas are left to come to terms with?

Galagirl

[nycindie]

I am trying to recall your situation, as I believe you used to post here a lot. I looked at one of your old threads, and skimmed a few others of yours. DingedHeart had summarized your situation in one of your more recent threads, and you told him he had understood the situation pretty clearly:

Originally Posted by dingedheart

Correct me if I got this wrong...you fall for this women, she gets her husband to agree to open up the marriage. You then try to get your wife on board, with the help of the other couple she comes around...You and the women are HAPPY for a time. Then because of the circumstance and now relate-able the situation, the husband and your wife form a support group which leads to them becoming involved with each other. That made you (unhappy). Its a struggle for you with jealousy and the usual stuff. Then she told you she loves you but not " in love" with you or see's you in a lustful way...or not turned on by you (from memory)....this was a crushing blow to you. The two of you then have problems sexually and things further devolve.

And now you have become so tortured by all this you want to stop.....and want her to stop as well. Or at least stop having sex with the other man or couple. Ideally you'd want it to go back to the way it was a year or 2 before you got that great idea.

Did I get this essentially right.

It sounds to me you carry a lot of guilt and other emotions for pushing this situation into 2-3 peoples lives and now you're the one that can't handle it.

Maybe you need to get some therapy or counseling to figure out what you really need or want independent of the group. However now that you put these other balls in play you might be screwed as to actually achieving it.

In that thread, you had said you were going to go to a therapist. You said that it was an issue around your wife being sexual with someone else that bothered you the most. How did therapy work out? Have you come to terms, at least somewhat, with your jealousy and possessiveness? Are you questioning things now because you feel more ready for both you and your wife to have additional partners?

Also, was there a reason why you and your wife decide it had to be a quad? Why couldn't you each have pursued other partners separately?

And FWIW, I don't think it's weird or odd that your best friend with whom you had an emotional affair turned out to be someone you were not attracted to sexually. You were just more attracted to her mind and her personality and had fun with her in that way, but do not feel the urge to boink her. That's okay. Nothing wrong with you for that. However, it seemed that your jealousy and obsessiveness/possessiveness over your wife having sex with someone other than you - and liking it? - was very connected to your sudden lack of attraction to your lover. Did you look at that in therapy, specifically, and address it?

[poobah123]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I am trying to recall your situation, as I believe you used to post here a lot. I looked at one of your old threads, and skimmed a few others of yours. DingedHeart had summarized your situation in one of your more recent threads, and you told him he had understood the situation pretty clearly:

Yes this was very accurate. I am somewhat embarrassed by those old messages as it was a perfect example of how not to enter into a poly relationship.

In that thread, you had said you were going to go to a therapist. You said that it was an issue around your wife being sexual with someone else that bothered you the most. How did therapy work out? Have you come to terms, at least somewhat, with your jealousy and possessiveness? Are you questioning things now because you feel more ready for both you and your wife to have additional partners?

I did see a therapist who specialized in open relationships. It helped somewhat but like marriage counseling got to a point I didn't feel like it was helping. When I ended everything (poly) I was very insecure over many things. My wife's feeling for someones else, hurting others etc. but I have moved past this. I am at the point where I have overcome a lot of these emotions that prohibited being poly. I feel confortable where I am in life and my relationship with my wife has gotten better. We are really great friends with the other couple. Example my wife had emergency surgery while I was out of town and they were there to help. I suffer from anxiety and panic and my OSO has been so sweet and helpful (something my wife hasn't been) with this I feel so blessed I have her in my life. It gets really bad sometimes with nervous breakdowns and to have another person who understands and cares is so helpful words cannot explain.

I am someone who always questions the status quo. I really do believe in being poly and the invalid emotions that get in the way are due to being pre-programmed a certain way. I am open minded so yes I do consider having a relationship again.

I have also gotten more comfortable with my wife's OSO. He is a good guy and respect him. We get along but we are different but that's ok. I do not view him as a threat whatsoever.

Also, was there a reason why you and your wife decide it had to be a quad? Why couldn't you each have pursued other partners separately?

No particular reason other than we are both SUPER compatible with our OSO's. My wife and I are less compatible but certainly not incompatible. Been married 14 years so there you go. It can be summed up like this. Both marriages feature an introvert married to an extrovert. Match us up with our OSO and there you go.

At this time I don't think my wife is so up for being open after the fiasco that I put up. Especially not with someone new. Mostly this is because if she was going to enjoy someone else she would like it to be him.

And FWIW, I don't think it's weird or odd that your best friend with whom you had an emotional affair turned out to be someone you were not attracted to sexually. You were just more attracted to her mind and her personality and had fun with her in that way, but do not feel the urge to boink her. That's okay. Nothing wrong with you for that. However, it seemed that your jealousy and obsessiveness/possessiveness over your wife having sex with someone other than you - and liking it? - was very connected to your sudden lack of attraction to your lover. Did you look at that in therapy, specifically, and address it?

Yes this certainly played a roll. However the strange thing is that I do feel like "boinking" her sometimes. My wife is incredibly gorgeous. 5.1, 95lbs, long flowing hair and sex is good but she has never been a super sexual person. My libido is FAR above hers. I could have sex with her 3x a day. However not so much with my OSO.

I wonder if it's just natural that when my hormones start raging that it's instinct to want to be physical with my OSO since 1) it would be allowed and 2) She is available and willing and 3) It's super fun from a mental standpoint? and a little from physical.

So this is really confusing for me. However I will continue to search within because I believe in questioning what a "relationship" and "marriage" truly means.

[AnnabelMore]

Just wanted to say that I love your story, Toy! It's natural to get different things from interactions with different people.

[GalaGirl]

Well put, Toy.

For me the goal of a sex share is to share loving sex behaviors. It isn't to orgasm. That's just a possible outcome.

Even with the same partner, each encounter will be different. Sometimes there's lots of orgasms, sometimes there isn't. Sometimes there's lots of time to indulge, sometimes there isn't.

I wonder if it's just natural that when my hormones start raging that it's instinct to want to be physical with my OSO since 1) it would be allowed and 2) She is available and willing and 3) It's super fun from a mental standpoint? and a little from physical.

Sure it is natural. And if it is also in keeping with your relationship agreements, and everyone is good... everyone is good then!

So this is really confusing for me. However I will continue to search within because I believe in questioning what a "relationship" and "marriage" truly means.

I think you could be questioning "desire" and "sexual expression" perhaps?

Because you are IN relationships with both your lovers already. One lover you also have a marriage union/contract/bond thing. My definitions run along the same at Toy's.

But let me add this and put it this way...

Sex share can be a part of a marriage. But a marriage is more than sex share.

Clam chowder is a kind of soup. Not all soups have to be clam chowder.

Your lovers are different people and touch different parts of you inside. You can enjoy them just as they are. They don't both have to be the same, or both have to touch the same places within, just because both are your lovers.

GG

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Your lovers are different people and touch different parts of you inside. You can enjoy them just as they are. They don't both have to be the same, or both have to touch the same places within, just because both are your lovers. GG

That's beautiful GG.

[poobah123]

Thanks everyone! I am leaning towards having a more involved relationship with my OSO. Just a great feeling what our relationship brings to my life. I think I have evolved to the point I am comfortable. We shall see.