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  #41  
Old 02-04-2013, 03:16 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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When I bring up what meds she is taking or not taking, she gets very defensive. After the affair she went on Zoloft (which she also did after having the girls), to combat bipolar, which our counsellor suggested could have something to do with her being hypersexual during her "manic" phase. She actually told me yesterday that her mother has scolded her for not taking the medication now. Her mother knows we are having problems but does NOT know about the polyamory. W tells me she doesn't necessarily want to be "evened out" emotionally. To hell with us who suffer, I guess (although of course I didn't say that to her).

She has made it apparent on MANY occasions that she has a bad case of buyer's remorse for the kids. I asked her point blank one night if she had her way how many hours would she spend with the kids per week and she said "Zero". These kids deserve a mother, and this is one of the reasons I've been fighting hard for this marriage. If I can get her to the point where she's happy with her relationships, and getting plenty of non-kid, non-me time, then I'm hoping her perspective on the children will change.

She has been a good mother at times, but often a very distant and hateful mother. She yells at them constantly and says things like "Being dead has GOT to be better than this" (often in earshot of the girls, and on occassion in front of some friends of ours). When she's with them, often she's not WITH them (she's texting her guy, or washing dishes, or doing laundry, or surfing Facebook, pretty much anything not to spend time with them).
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  #42  
Old 02-05-2013, 04:01 AM
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Make sure the counselor knows about this. I understand that the kids are innocent victims of Mom's buyer's remorse, but that doesn't make the buyer's remorse go away, nor does it change how Mom responds to it. *Mom* has to be the one who decides she's going to act differently. You can encourage her up to a certain point, but beyond that, it's up to her.

Be careful that you do not inadvertently martyr yourself for the sake of behavior change by your wife, change that you may or may not ever see. Even if she does change, you could end up resenting her for the sacrifices you had to make in order to get her there. You are "pulling her part of the train," as well as pulling your own.

You are very concerned that the kids aren't getting the mother they deserve, and that's what you need to make very clear to the counselor. That's how it looks from where I'm sitting.

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Kevin T.
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  #43  
Old 02-08-2013, 07:20 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Things had been going much better between the two of us this last week, which was the first full-week of our new schedule we'd agreed upon. Today, while having lunch with W, she starts talking about her upcoming trip to Las Vegas with her mom, whom she is treating to this vacation as part of her mom's 60th Birthday. She plans a Mon-Sat. vacation with her mom. But then, she decides that she wants to do a "pre" vacation Fri-Mon with her guy.

Now, I have already had the discussion with her about how I'm very uncomfortable with stays over 24 hours with him, based on the last time she spent an entire day with him. I told her that after I get comfortable with our new schedule, and after we're more comfortable with our own relationship, and are making strides towards more emotional and physical imtimacy, I may reconsider. Until, then though, I am very uncomfortable with any long stays, to say nothing of a long weekend like she wants.

She gets quiet for a moment and says, "I think I'm going anyway". I didn't respond, but just left the restaurant after kissing her on the cheek on wishing her well the rest of the day.

Now how am I supposed to respond to this flagrant dismissal of my emotions and discomfort?
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  #44  
Old 02-08-2013, 07:45 PM
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Only you can decide how to respond to that. Your initial response was wise. Now come the big questions you have to ask. She has laid down an ultimatum. "I'm going to do what I want to do no matter how you feel about it." Is that a dealbreaker? Is it something you can tolerate for a fixed amount of time (a year, a month, or whatever)? Is it something you can put on hold until your next counseling session?

She is very caught up in NRE and is testing her limits. Her marriage is not coming across to her as being as important as it used to be. She is willing to take chances with it. Can you adapt to her new precedent of behavior? Should you adapt? Are you going to end up resenting her?

Maybe this is a one-time thing. But maybe it will become a habit. You can always wait and see what happens.

It's possible she thinks you *will* be okay with it, even though you said you wouldn't. You can let her test her theory and see what happens.

In any case, she's taking a heck of a gamble. I don't know what to advise you to do; your marriage, happiness, and peace of mind are at stake, so you will have to make a judgment call on which of those things can be salvaged and how.
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  #45  
Old 02-08-2013, 07:56 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Well, to answer your question, yes, it is a dealbreaker if she were to actually do this. It is way too blatant a disrespect for me to handle, especially after all I feel I've agreed to let her do (probably more than 99.9% of men on the planet would agree to).

If she continues to press this, I will probably speak with her guy. We had an understanding that we would never do anything that would make each other uncomfortable. I feel he'll agree, because he knows firsthand what can happen when open relationships go bad.
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  #46  
Old 02-08-2013, 08:04 PM
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Ironic that her guy is more likely to honor your requests than she is. Talking to him seems like the logical thing to do, given that your marriage is in pretty grave danger otherwise.
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  #47  
Old 02-11-2013, 05:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by learninginTN View Post
Well, to answer your question, yes, it is a dealbreaker if she were to actually do this. It is way too blatant a disrespect for me to handle, especially after all I feel I've agreed to let her do (probably more than 99.9% of men on the planet would agree to).
Does she know this is going to be a deal-breaker? Just make sure she does, it's not a threat, it's just a clear establishment of boundaries. Every relationship has a terminal boundary, one that once crossed can never be un-crossed. This is that boundary for you. You know that once you set down that boundary, you can't pull back from it. That would make you a untrustworthy to yourself, and give her even more permission to disregard your needs.

.
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  #48  
Old 02-11-2013, 08:42 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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I sense that she knows it's a deal-breaker, although I haven't specifically said those words. I've already gone through the ordeal of expressing how difficult it was the day she was with him for 24 hours, and told her I not comfortable with her spending more time than that. And, as usual, instead of acknowledging my discomfort, she just argued and argued to try to convince me it would be fine, and that my feelings were pretty much not legit.

If I find that she's actually following through on making those plans, I'll put a stop to this polyamory lifestyle pronto.
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  #49  
Old 02-11-2013, 09:29 PM
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Unfortunately, she may not take some of your feelings seriously unless/until she sees the proof. Let's hope it doesn't come to that, even though it may.
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  #50  
Old 02-12-2013, 02:20 PM
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Now the latest: I had planned a date night for us (since I get one/week), and this week is her birthday, so I wanted date night to fall on that day. We had planned a dinner, a movie, and then come back home and (hopefully) have some quality time before we drop off to sleep. Yesterday, W says that her guy wants her to come over after we're done with the movie so that "he can spend some time with her on her birthday". I say that I'm uncomfortable with that, as I want that night to be all about us. Then comes all the arguments about how I'm being unreasonable, I have her most of the night, etc.

Now, part of the issue is that I feel that I am maxed out on time I feel I can give over to her being with her guy. On week one of our two week schedule, when he doesn't have his teen son with him, they have FOUR nights, which start at 7:00p (after he gets off work), and last until 5:30 or 6:00a (when W has to go to work). In essence, they have four date nights that week - no kids, just the two of them to do whatever they want. Part of the agreement we have when we agreed on the schedule (which is pretty much exactly what she asked for), is that once/week we'd have a date night where we get a sitter to take care of the girls and we have that night totally to ourselves. And this week I want that date to be on her birthday, because I still feel that should be ours to celebrate alone. If we were to have a fun night of a dinner and a movie, then have her run off to her guy to spend the night, it would bother me immensely, to the point that that heavy pit in my stomach would keep me up all night.

W decided to get help bolstering her position by firing off an email to our counsellor. I'm curious as to what counsellor will reply, but regardless I'll need to email her also and give her my position.

This is all part of a similar problem we're having where W wants to spend some weekends, holidays, etc. with her guy, but I'm not comfortable with them spending more than 24 hours together. I keep telling her that I may reconsider this as I get more comfortable with our schedule, and as we work on getting our own physical and emotional intimacy back to where it should be. She always seems to not to want to wait on this to get what she wants, but I have my limits, as do all relationships, poly or otherwise, and that's where I've set mine.

I know you guys are getting tired of all this drama, but I do really value your input and it helps me to be able to get my feelings out this way.
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