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  #11  
Old 02-08-2013, 07:40 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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So two issues 1. being poor company and ignoring you, 2. getting reassurance.

Perhaps if you had his full or mostly full attention when he was with you, you wouldn't need reassurance at the end of his dates. I wouldn't be troubled by a partner mentioning they had a late night with a partner, but if somebody was texting while I was with them regularly, I would leave the area..at a party I would go find somebody who wanted to talk with me. If I started a relationship with somebody who did that, it would end really quickly.

When you started seeing him was he distracted and ignoring you during dates or has it gotten worse (NRE with others or taking you for granted)? DO you have actual date nights that he is doing this during? I don't mind texting or im'ing during some times when we are doing our own thing, but if I'm face to face with a partner, and left sitting there twiddling my thumbs more than occasionally, I'd stop making plans with them.

I'd definitely bring it up ASAP, because if you can't sort this out now, that could be an explosive argument when you finally address the issue. I don't see why asking for polite behavior is considered controlling, but I do disagree with GG a bit and did feel like some of your texting could read as passive aggressive. If he is feeling you are being passive aggressive, in his head he might translate that into a feeling that you ARE trying to be controlling and then it's harder for him to hear you clearly when you do bring up your actual problem. He also probably feels like he just cant win with your responses. He did text you when he woke up, unless you want to make some agreement that will make you even more stressed (like text me the second she leaves - so you're watching the clock and feel insecure as it gets later...) it sounds like you might want to find some alternatives.

Do you think you are willing to not need reassurances? Not today, but maybe give yourself a timeline of 4-6 months after you move in together, and feel like it's a good situation for you? You could ask him to set an alarm for a certain time and call or text you at that time to give you reassurance? (and I'm thinking not a super early time so he has to call you right after the alarm clock wakes him up - looks like GG mentioned alarms, and I wholeheartedly agree that serious discussions should be done in person or via letter) Did you say a chunk of this the fact that he doesn't respond to your texts right away but he always seems to do that for others so you feel envy? I really don't get this need people have to check out of whats in front of them to text. Out of fairness I expect that his other partners might ask for the same consideration, that he pays attention to them sometimes and just isn't available to text you back quickly when he's with them...but I'd say something along the following -

"I'd like to have some times we spend together where you're present and we aren't distracted by other things, including texting other people. It feels rude sometimes, like you aren't enjoying or wanting my company. I was thinking something like this might be a good compromise -I'd like this on any specific actual dates planned for private time, T/F between 8 and bedtime after we move in together, and also when we go to an event or party together and you're my partner there. What do you think of that, and if that doesn't work, do you have any ideas that might work for you?
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  #12  
Old 02-08-2013, 07:24 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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Wowzies... thank you to all taking the time to respond! I really appreciate it... I'm such a newbie in this... I can't wait until these issues and challenges become no more, when I've gained enough confidence and experience myself to be also be able to lend a helping hand (and mind) to others who want/need advice...

GalaGirl: Thanks so much for breaking down the conversation between me and my guy. I totally agree, texting this serious stuff isn't the best solution. It's (unfortunately) my way to get points across trying to use the best language I can, having time to think about it, and having a quick fix, not wanting to wait that long to have the real conversation. This stuff will be addressed again in person.

And I agree with what you had to say. He doesn't make me like F, and it takes a while for him to reassure... (not until after I mention it).

I do need to work on conflict resolution styles. I saw a link in another post to an article on this. I can tend to be an avoider of conflict until it comes down to it, and something needs to be done/said. So yes, I agree.

What I've found out about him specifically (personality type and all) is it's best for me to be completely direct. He's more of a thinker, less of a feeler - INTJ is him, the 'scientist' and ENFJ is me, 'the giver'- the meyers brigg personality test REALLY broke it down for me on how we're different from the beginning, and shed a ton of light on how we operate separately and together. I'd recommend it for any couple. It's a well-known free test to take (for anyone reading who's interested), and there's a ton of forums out there regarding it: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp If I didn't have this info, I might've been long gone a while ago. I understand that he is very logically minded and needs to understand how/why I act on my feelings, and needs an explanation to understand the feeling elements to some degree. I do need to be more direct, and assertive to get my point across, and what to expect from him and why (in a very logical way) and on what will work for the long term.

For date making, we still have specific nights in the week that are for us, and he schedules other activities on other nights. He's not lying or avoiding me regarding that timing. The point I was making was more about how he said he's not sexual on school nights, yet he had 2 nights of it with other people this week... so that's the lie to figure out, and that last part of the conversation was for me to let him know that, "I think it's fair for us to say now that it is possible to feel sexual or passionate on school nights, depending"... taking the power away from that being an excuse any longer of not being sexual with me on a school night, even though he's in NRE with others and we've been together for a year and a half, hence our sexual energy has scaled down a wee bit.

I will have a conversation with him (in person, of course) regarding his poor time management skills in general.

Even without a personality test to tell me, I know I've always been a 'giver', and till it hurts... to the point where I realize I need to receive... and allow others to give to me. It's an odd place to be... but over this past year or so, I've been working on taking care of myself. Odd at 40, but necessary, I'm finding... hence, me coming to this forum to discuss, confirm, etc.

I think I'll add a third choice to the bullet points that I'll go with...

* Accept his behaviors and limitations (and temper my expectations) on the issues that do not affect me in a negative way. When they do affect me in a negative way, I will address them. If the issues are unable to be altered in order to be respectful and courteous to the detriment of myself and our relationship, then I will choose to not be in a relationship with him. Until then, communicating these issues and taking care of myself is key.

Thanks for your help, GalaGirl! I remember you commenting on another posting, and had a great response that got my brain working and on the right track regarding a different issue... hugs.

Anneintherain: Thanks for taking the time to respond! And it is confirming to hear you'd be annoyed by the constant texting when with a partner. When we started seeing each other, the texting would rarely ever happen. It was a slow decline into that over time... or as the honeymoon started to wane, of course. I'm pretty sure the compulsory texting when it happens (nowadays) is tied to libido, and when there's an in cycle (it's ON!), the texting conversations happen, almost compulsory to match the spiking libido.

I'm not sure he perceives me as controlling... he doesn't hear the hinting and passive aggressiveness I find (which I'm trying to remind myself each day). I need to work on being direct, and logically with him for things to register, really. He had even told me this once.

I do need to find alternative solutions to when I would like to have the reassurance. Or really, work on finding it within myself and focus on myself, projects, time with friends, fun activities, etc. Tough to do sometimes... when I know he's with someone at night... and you're supposed to be doing all those amazing fun things, and laugh like crazy, it's hard to not think about what's happening on the other side of town. But with time it can get better, I think/hope...

Setting an alarm and giving reassurances wouldn't be the best plan, I think. It wouldn't be 'organic' to him, which is important that he can feel what he is saying, and if it's a recurring 8pm 'i love you' text, it wouldn't feel organic to me, either.

Yes, there's definitely envy involved when he's texting someone else in a compulsive way... to see him light up with excitement reminds me of how things were for us a year and a half ago (with NRE). Of course, I get moments of that with him (on occasion), but they're fewer and far between. We have a deeper love now, for sure... but it still makes me squirm a little to witness the NRE energy with someone else, of course. I need to address that with him overall in what he does in front of me.

I LOVE the writeup that you wrote regarding the texting and all (to him). I'm going to keep that whole thing, and approach that with him in person.

Thank you!!!
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  #13  
Old 02-08-2013, 07:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Good for you!

Quote:
* Accept his behaviors and limitations (and temper my expectations) on the issues that do not affect me in a negative way. When they do affect me in a negative way, I will address them. If the issues are unable to be altered in order to be respectful and courteous to the detriment of myself and our relationship, then I will choose to not be in a relationship with him. Until then, communicating these issues and taking care of myself is key.
Quote:
I know I've always been a 'giver', and till it hurts... to the point where I realize I need to receive... and allow others to give to me. It's an odd place to be... but over this past year or so, I've been working on taking care of myself.
That is part of developing your personal standard for how YOU want to be treated. Even for how YOU want to be treating YOU.

I'm glad I could be of some help.

Funny you mention Meyers Briggs. Depending on whether I'm in a "people liking" mood or a "people annoyed" mood? I always play out as INTJ or INFJ.

In Simpsons Meyer's Briggs -- that makes me Mr Burns or Lisa Simpson.

Galagirl
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  #14  
Old 02-08-2013, 11:37 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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Thanks for the Simpsons link! Apparently I'm Apu, being an ENFJ... hehe. All of the jobs I've done in the past or present all fit into that category, too... interestin'!
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