Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 02-07-2013, 07:28 PM
Helo's Avatar
Helo Helo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 279
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazenBurn View Post
Her BPD is diagnosed. She has been in therapy for years and has recently begun DBT. She is also medicated. We both know quite a bit about BPD (this relationship has made me do a lot of research). Darling seems to understand but holds out hope that she will not react negatively. I on the other hand see patterns and think that this is the calm before the storm.
Its possible that the DBT could be working but I'd still prepare for an explosion anyways.
__________________
=DISCLAIMER=
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 02-07-2013, 09:42 PM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 34
Default

I am ready. It's like preparing for war. Which is sad. Darling is oblivious to my concerns. I talked to him today and he thinks all is well. I don't think he really "gets it". She just texted me telling me she thinks we can "work it out". Work what out? I'm not part of their relationship. He doesn't want to be emotionally involved with her. That is not up to me. I'd really like to back out slowy and then turn and run.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 02-08-2013, 01:42 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

Yes, if I were you I'd stick with boundaries that limited my exposure to her as much as possible. Just because he wants to be friends with her does not mean you need to be. If you like, you could tell him something like, "I'm willing to revisit this in 6 months (or however long you are comfortable with) to see if her therapy has had an ongoing positive effect and if I feel ready to try allowing her into my life a little."
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 02-08-2013, 02:35 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default

BB.....Trust your instincts on this one. I would agree that what is probably being displayed now is the "good girl" side of BPD. That's the nature of the condition. Full on adorable, cuddly, loveable, delightful "two year old" and raging, attacking, accusing, demanding "two year old". I'm not trying to insult an adult. But, this is one of the key symptoms of BPD. It's called "splitting". The "all good/all bad" way they view others and themselves. If she really has made changes....she'll respect and honor your boundaries and desire not to have contact with her. If she pushes it...it's probably a good sign she hasn't made sufficient changes...if any.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 02-08-2013, 06:51 AM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 34
Default

Well, it exploded tonight. Chatty texted me and told me that she was not going to let anyone get into her relationship with Darling. This is after he explictly told her they were not going to be romatically involved. Then she used her daughter as a pawn in all this. She inferred she would hurt/neglect the child if Darling didn't have her come stay the night. And of course he did.

I spent an hour on the phone talking to him about no contact. He pledges that he will do this but I have my doubts. I am so tired of the drama. I just don't know how much more I can take.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 02-08-2013, 07:16 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazenBurn View Post
Then she used her daughter as a pawn in all this. She inferred she would hurt/neglect the child if Darling didn't have her come stay the night.
The person who directly heard what she said (I'm assuming Darling?) needs to inform the child services in your area. If it was a text message or email that needs to be kept as evidence.

I know getting a government agency involved can be VERY dicey for both people with mental illness and poly people, but bringing a child into it IS NOT OKAY, and from what you've said Chatty is unstable enough to be a threat to herself and others.

Darling may also want to inform the child's father if that would be a good immediate resource, as agencies can be slow moving and ultimately unable to do anything if there's no physical evidence or direct, immediate threat.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 02-08-2013, 06:39 PM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 34
Default

I agree. The use of her child to manipulate Darling is repulsive to me. Darling contacted Chatty's husband and let him know the situation. Darling is going "no contact" with her. It is necessary. There is no "let's be friends". I think he is realizing that now. It is painful for him and I will be there to support him. However, I did put my foot down and told him that if he wants to bring her back into our lives I will need to back away. I have children of my own and will not expose them to her.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 02-08-2013, 07:27 PM
FirstofThree FirstofThree is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6
Default Advice from a Polyamorous Male with BPD

Hey, folks,

I'd like to say that a lot of what it being said in this thread is pretty hurtful. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 15. I have been treated for it with standard behavioral treatments (i.e. talk therapy, not chemical therapy). I regulate my behavior and, for the most part, am successful at checking the destructive and manipulative impulses I have. On the occasions when I fail to check them, I accept responsibility for my words and actions and do my best to apologize sincerely and repair any damage I have caused.

I am not incurable. I am not a monster. I am not toxic. I am not a drama queen. I am an ethical, polyamorous man with Borderline Personality Disorder.

People with BPD have some often over-looked skills which, when decoupled from destructive behavior, make us excellent partners. I am very attuned to the needs and emotional states of my partners. I am attentive. I find deep gratification in the happiness of others.

Ok, end of soap box speech.

Having wrestled with the disease all my life, I do have some suggestions about this specific situation:

1) Give your SO "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It's the best book out there to help people without BPD learn to recognize the patterns and what the motivations are.

2) Make your emotional boundaries clear. You have to put your own emotional health first, and your SO should be receptive to your requests for support.

3) Anytime your BPD metamour starts trying to use you as a pawn, politely ask that you not be brought into the issue. Say something like "I understand the issues, but I need to take care of myself before I involve myself in this." It's important to make sure the subject of your sentence is always yourself; that way the metamour can't accuse you of telling her what to do, etc.

-First of Three
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 02-08-2013, 07:41 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

Good for you. I know dealing with a situation like this can be very, very difficult. And good for Darling too. Ultimately it sounds like he came through and made the better choices. Hopefully he'll be able to stick to them
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 02-19-2013, 02:33 AM
serenity1066 serenity1066 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Southern Ontario
Posts: 4
Default Bpd

I work with clients who have BPD. It is a long standing personality disorder that is characterized by deep fears of abandonment and emote spud swings of emotion. Often people who are diagnosed with this have noticed that they are hypersensitive to real or perceived rejections. It is often very difficult to see things in shades of grey, everything is either all good or all bad. This frequently creates difficulty in relationships, so it would probably be multiplied in multiple relationships. There is a very effective treatment though called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Most clients involved in this improve significantly and rapidly. As a care provider I am very familiar with the idea of DBT. Anyone can benefit from it!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:42 PM.