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  #1  
Old 02-07-2013, 02:16 AM
bobcat725 bobcat725 is offline
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Default Tomorrow my husband meets my lover, any advice?

My husband of almost 12 years (DR) and I (DM) have been relatively new to poly (< 1 year), following this forum and occasionally adding our 2 cents these past few months.

Many many ups and downs since I have begun seeing someone, both at home and with lover (S).

But we're still in it (all parties).

Tomorrow DR and S meet for the first time, having lunch here at our house. It feels like "it's time." We had actually planned on a meeting over a month ago, but that fell apart and obviously it became clear then that none of us were ready.

So, my question is.... uh, what the hell are we going to talk about when we all sit down together? It just seems so.... strange.... that my two men will be in each other's company, with me. They are so VASTLY different from one another. I myself, tonight, imagine that tomorrow, when S gets here, and they meet, I'm either going to crack up from nervousness, or desolve into tears.

Any advice? What to talk about and not talk about? Taboos to avoid?

I'm not going to get a wink of sleep.

Looking forward to some guidance :-)
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  #2  
Old 02-07-2013, 03:33 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Taboos? Don't talk about sex, heh.

What are DR's and S's interests? Do they have any common interests? Even if they don't, you can always talk about one of the guys' interests, and then the other guy's interests. Trade off that way.

Things probably aren't as critical as they seem to be. It might be just as well to give DR and S some "verbal space" where they can just talk to each other and decide on their own subjects.

At the same time, there's always likely to be some awkwardness when anyone has just met and is just getting to know each other. Don't panic if there's some awkward silence. Talk about the economy and the weather if you get in a tight spot.

The trick here, I think, is to not try to "run" the conversation, but let it go where it will a little; give it some freedom. Hopefully this is just the first of many get-togethers for the three of you, so you have some time to "develop a comfortable dynamic."

If you're nervous, DR and S might both be nervous as well. So, you might all be wondering what to say and what not to say. Which is fine, as long as you don't drive yourselves crazy trying too hard. There might be some weirdness in the beginning, but that's okay.

If this were a movie, I could hand you all scripts and you could just memorize your parts. In a real-live situation, however, you'll all have to think on your feet. There's only so much planning you can do ahead of time.

Hah. If you've got any valium, now might be a good time to take some. If you guys drink, you might want to serve a little wine or something too. Whatever you can do to relax a little bit.

Note: This advice is all coming from a social introvert, so if it seems a little lame, well, grant me a handicap. My MFM "V" goes to a poly get-together about once a month, and I have the worst time relaxing and chatting with the other poly people there. It takes me a long time to get to know people, and I absolutely suck at remembering names. So there's one silver lining, at least all three of you know each other's names.

Seriously, I think things'll be okay; you'll survive this. Not that I can give you a guarantee about that, but my spider sense isn't tingling, so I think it's hopeful.

If I think of any other ideas, I'll let you know.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 02-07-2013, 03:38 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Could just let it be whatever it wants to be.

And you can always say "Well, I feel weirdly nervous. Do you guys feel weirdly nervous? Thanks for meeting anyway tho. I really appreciate you both for being willing."

Sometimes just acknowledging the weird helps break the ice/lessen the weird. And telling them you appreciate their willing helps too.

Galagirl
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:43 AM
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These other folks have given the good answers.

It could easily be a little awkward, that's ok. It is just an indicator that there is the perception of something "on the line" and people want it to turn out well. Odds are though, that there won't be any catastrophe, everyone will be on their best behavior and will all be friendly.

I say, don't forget that it could be fun! Two people you love are meeting and it could be great!
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Old 02-07-2013, 06:26 AM
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UtahPolyCouple UtahPolyCouple is offline
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First piece of advice is not to over thing the meeting to much. You will set the mood for the meeting, and if you are thinking of everything that can go wrong, then that may set an uncomfortable mood. Just be positive. Let it happen as it happens.

My second piece of advice is that a short first meeting is better than a long one. For example, when my wife and my girlfriend met for the first time it was a a local coffee house over a cup of coffee. This had two advantages. The first was that it was in a public place. Neither of my lovers felt that they were intruding on the others private space. The second, was that it was a short meeting (10 - 15 minutes). This was long enough for them to meet and get to know each other, and sort enough to not overwhelm either of them

My third and final piece of advice, as others have also said, is that this is a meeting. Romance, kissing and other forms of affection can make one or both of them uncomfortable. While these are hallmarks of Polyamory, they should be avoided on a first meet.

I hope that you meet meeting of you husband and your lover goes well.

C
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Old 02-07-2013, 07:00 AM
smiler smiler is offline
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Before I first met my BF's wife, he said "This will be as weird as you make it", and he was right. We just made it light and easy and it worked out. I think the outcome is in your own hands. Let it be easy, and it will be.
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Old 02-07-2013, 11:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobcat725 View Post
My husband of almost 12 years (DR) and I (DM) have been relatively new to poly (< 1 year), following this forum and occasionally adding our 2 cents these past few months.

Many many ups and downs since I have begun seeing someone, both at home and with lover (S).

But we're still in it (all parties).

Tomorrow DR and S meet for the first time, having lunch here at our house. It feels like "it's time." We had actually planned on a meeting over a month ago, but that fell apart and obviously it became clear then that none of us were ready.

So, my question is.... uh, what the hell are we going to talk about when we all sit down together? It just seems so.... strange.... that my two men will be in each other's company, with me. They are so VASTLY different from one another. I myself, tonight, imagine that tomorrow, when S gets here, and they meet, I'm either going to crack up from nervousness, or desolve into tears.

Any advice? What to talk about and not talk about? Taboos to avoid?

I'm not going to get a wink of sleep.

Looking forward to some guidance :-)
My primary partner and secondary partner see each other at least once or twice a week with me being there and they just talk, talk about games, tv etc. does your partners have any issues they need or want to talk about? if no then I think it will be just about getting to know each other. x
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  #8  
Old 02-08-2013, 02:51 AM
bobcat725 bobcat725 is offline
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Thank you everyone for all your great advice - much appreciated.

Lover S came over today, and then husband DR came home from a meeting at work, and the three of us sat and drank coffee and chatted.

The guys quickly found topics of interested that they shared and had some good, relaxed - 'normal' - conversations.

We spent about 1.5 hours together as a group. I would have to say that as far as this kind of a meeting is concerned, it went about as good as it could have gone.

Feedback from both S and DR is that each thought the other was "a nice guy," each adding, "I like him."

Whoo hooooo! Let's hope all subsequent meetings are this good..... :-)

Thanks again everyone!
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  #9  
Old 02-08-2013, 03:15 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yay! Glad it went well!

GG
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  #10  
Old 02-08-2013, 05:03 AM
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UtahPolyCouple UtahPolyCouple is offline
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Oh wow that is fantastic. I have been wondering how it went for you. You must be breathing a breath of relief. I am so very happy for you all.

C
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