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  #61  
Old 02-05-2013, 02:05 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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I think it impossible to gain the perspective of a parent until you are one.

SC -- you have some good points, but you seem to be coming from a parentED perspective rather than a parentING one. The only thing you said that stressed me out a little was the comment that sort of thought it was "human" for my ten year old to watch porn, and it was no big deal. It was a huge deal.

Luckily, we're all through it. I have asked him numerous times if he wants a magazine, and he just wants to put it all out of the picture. We put stuff on his computer that make it impossible to go there...he in fact wanted that! He found the entire thing stressful, but he also remained compelled - which I guess speaks to the strictness (which I am not). He WANTED restrictions and guidelines to help him.
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  #62  
Old 02-07-2013, 12:59 AM
amber34 amber34 is offline
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I am new here, and I guess this topic has been pretty well covered, but thought I would add my two cents.
As a poly woman and mom, I understand your worries about this, it can be nerve racking. I feel, just my opinion, that hiding such a huge part of your life from you kids can be very hard on parents as well as kind of impossible. It's likely kids will find out eventually. I'm not saying you have to spill all the beans at once, but it may be time to start sharing with him how you view sex as an adult so that when he does find out it is not a devastating shock to him,
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  #63  
Old 02-07-2013, 06:38 PM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
I think it impossible to gain the perspective of a parent until you are one.
I strongly disagree. I've been in a number of caretaker roles through my lifetime and I don't find empathizing with a parent that difficult.

As long as someone is familiar with what it means to be responsible for someone else's well-being for an extended period of time, they can extrapolate to the parental role. That's part of why we have a sense of empathy.
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  #64  
Old 02-08-2013, 12:34 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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SC is a step-parent. How does that disqualify her from understanding the parenting role? I very much doubt that she is any less of a parent to her step daughter just because she didn't birth her. I would caution you against drawing that conclusion.
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  #65  
Old 02-08-2013, 12:50 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Yes. BD that is a judgement that I made and should have- I am sorry. I didn't understand from SC that she felt she had parented her step-daughter, she only spoke about her lover parenting his daughter, who is older (20) not sure she grew up with SC.

Helo, I see your point. I am should not make the mistake and speak for others, sorry. My own experience is that I never knew how intensely I would feel about this particular relationship until I had an infant who was solely helpless and I had to raise. Do other people have similar feelings?

It is SC comments like this "I agree that 10 or 12 is too young for most people to have sex. But you know what? It's not your body, and it's not your choice. Is it the right choice? Probably not. But that's their mistake to make. You can't teach a kid anything by shielding them from reality. Life comes with difficult choices and is full of mistakes."

That make me feel misunderstood. I do not agree that a 10 year old in in charge of their body and that it is "their choice". Would you guys think smoking or doing coke is a ten-year-olds "choice". I think that for a parent to even allow that to happen is abuse. It's not that I believe I own my son's body, but that it is my responsibility to protect him. There is a long distance between 11 and say, even 14...
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  #66  
Old 02-08-2013, 12:55 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Amber,

Thank you! My problem is that I do not have my sexuality figured out yet! I am in an open relationship, but I don't consider myself poly per se nor am I "sex-positive." I think I am monogamous and in an open relationship becuae my husband and I have chemistry problems with sex and romance. I am selfish. I'm not willing to let go of our family life, but not willing to give up romance, nor do I want him to either. I have trouble with the concept of marriage and for me marriage and romance can not co-exist or I think they can't.

So, I'm not sure what to tell my son.
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  #67  
Old 02-08-2013, 12:57 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Also, SC wasn't speaking from experience about her life which her step-daughter, but rather experiences of her friends with their parents. That's all I meant.
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  #68  
Old 02-08-2013, 01:54 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
My own experience is that I never knew how intensely I would feel about this particular relationship until I had an infant who was solely helpless and I had to raise. Do other people have similar feelings?
Yes. Regardless of how much experience you have working with kids, taking care of kids, or taking care of adults who may be like kids, it is different when it is your OWN child. It just is. My mom understands this. My sister (who does not have kids) does not. It is unfortunately one of those things that, in my experience (as nanny, teacher, and then parent) you just can't fully understand until it happens to you, no matter how much empathy you have. However, it doesn't have to be your biological child. It can be, or a child who is adopted, or step, or part of a poly family. There is a difference between being a parent to that child and being a caretaker. Somehow, though the love and responsibility maybe be equal, it is different.

Interestingly, I read nondy's response to SC a little differently, apparently. I read it as saying that SC's perspective was one that was looking back on parenting experiences in the past, rather than being in the middle of them now. There is definitely a difference between looking back on decisions made when you now know the results, versus being in the middle of making decisions going, "I have no idea if what I'm doing is the right thing!!"
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  #69  
Old 02-08-2013, 02:39 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Also, SC wasn't speaking from experience about her life which her step-daughter, but rather experiences of her friends with their parents. That's all I meant.
I think you are combining SC and Saintvlas22 into one person when they are not.

While I agree that parents should protect their children, I was your son's age when I had my first non-intercourse sexual experiences with my babysitter's son who is a year younger than me. Nothing my parents could have said or done would have "protected" me from that experience. We were kids, exploring our bodies and playing house. We'd pretend we were the parents and our younger brothers were our kids.

When I was 12, I was helping raise my sister who is 11 years younger than me. She called me mommy because I was her caretaker until our mother got home from work. My step dad's idea of parenting was yelling and he was more concerned with his bowling leagues than parenting his daughter. Yes she went to a babysitter while I was in school, but I was the one who picked her up at the babysitter and took her home, and cooked and fed her dinner while our mom worked late and had to take an hour long bus ride home each day to support the 6 of us. Yes, raising my son has been different, but I don't think it would have been that different, had I not left the state to go to college when she was 8.
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  #70  
Old 02-08-2013, 04:12 AM
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Velvet Velvet is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Since people have written about have sex early - would some of you share your first experiences? In retrospect, did you handle the relationships well? Did you have any problems socially, being critized by others? Did you have any trouble with STDS or pregnancy? Did you tell your parents? Where they healthy relationships? It would be great to have insight. I didn't have sex until 1st or second year in college. I wouldn't say I had my first "successful" sexual relationship until 24, and even that wasn't so great!
Since a lot of this thread postings is how parents involve/influence/intrude/whatever their children's lives I wanted to answer this. More so on when my parents thought I first started being sexual.

When I was 14 I was in a sort of long distance relationship. The guy I liked (who is actually one of my partners now BB) wrote letters back and forth to each other. It was the late 90s but I didn't use the internet yet, so old style pen pal writing is how we kept in touch. Last time we saw each other was shortly after my 14th birthday and we had kissed for the first time. That's all.

I didn't want my parents to know about our mutual feelings, so I was very prompt at getting the mail every morning. I knew they didn't like him at all so I knew they wouldn't approve. And even though I did that perfectly one day I left his most recent letter out in the open...I got distracted going to my bedroom or something...and my Mom found the letter. We just talked in the letters and it usually ended with some of "I love you", "miss you", wishing to see each other, i.e. nothing sexual or any kind deviance.

My parent's approach to things and people is almost always with ambivalence. they always tried to be logically and not get emotional. My Dad picked me up from school, and that ride home in the car and what occurred when I got home was one of the most terrorfying and humiliating experiences of my life. It started when my Dad very calmly explained the letter that was found and he asked me how long we had "been at it" (or some such wording). Since I was found out I said it had been about 6 months (of letters, not the romantic interest but I kept silent on that) and at the end of my explanation I told my Dad, "Dad, I love him."

My Dad had never hit me or really raised his voice to me in my whole life, and while we were still driving home he started freaking out. Screaming that I was a whore and a slut and should be ashamed. He didn't hit me but he was punching and throwing around anything in his car...I was cringing in fear because I thought he might hit me if he ran out of things to toss. His car was always messy so he didn't run out of things. The home welcome party was both my Mom and Dad yelling me with a rage I didn't know they could possess. "Slut" "Whore"

I knew they didn't like the guy BB, who is also my cousin, but I seriously underestimated how deeply it went. My Mom marched me up to room and made me watch as she went through everything in my room, tearing it apart to find every letter he had written to me, any picture I had of him, my personal address book, everything. While still yelling at me the whole time, obviously I was crying, sobbing, a complete mess.

In their minds they decided to assume the worst, my best guess. And to them the worst was having sex with him. From then on when it came to anything that could be construed as me liking a boy...or whatever thing they wanted to imagine they never missed the chance to remind me that I was a slut and a whore and needed to be controlled. A few days after finding the letter they made me get the pill and made sure I took it every day. Whenever I got a sore throat or cold my Mom would tell me I got Mono "the kissing disease" from being a slut and if I wasn't a whore I wouldn't get sick. If I wanted to go to a friend's house they asked me what guy I would be meeting there behind their backs....you get the picture?

I choose to first start having sex at 16. I think it went as well as it could. I only dated a few guys in High School, four total and I sex with two of them. Both of them eventually showed their dirtbag sides, but I don't regret my actions. I did the best I could do. I have never, ever, talked to my parents about my relationships or sex.

So, that's the story....well a story for sure.
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Last edited by Velvet; 02-08-2013 at 04:20 AM. Reason: first paragraph, last sentence
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