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Old 02-07-2013, 04:50 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 27
Default Feeling a little secondary, in the moment...

My partner and I have been together for almost a year and a half, and I'll be moving in within (2) months.

I'm not sure if it's cold feet, or my fear of abandonment, or if I'm overlooking an opportunity to take a step towards feeling compersion for my partner while letting some of my demons go...

But I sure do feel bad.

He can spend a good amount of time having texting conversations with someone while I'm there. I'm not passively asking him to stop, I ask him to stop (after a while, especially when we're at a party with other people, or I feel like he's just not listening to me as I'm talking). And he will stop for a moment just until the person gets back to him, then the phone is back in his hand, texting away.

I know when he spends an evening with someone and it's hot, passionate, for a while with chemistry and all, I've repeatedly asked for reassurance and a little attention afterwards (later that night or the next morn), and this doesn't seem to stick. I'll even ask a question or put out communication and won't hear back until the next day, mid-day.

These are some excuses for him: He rebels against any kind of authority, people telling him what to do (tough to work with... things have to be his own decision a good amount of the time)... he also likes any attention he can get after having been very overweight for many years (along with being celibate), almost to the point where it can be compulsory to feel that. And, he's not always forthcoming with communication (with as much sweetness). It comes and goes. When the sweet moments come, they are full, potent, and awesome. Then, there's a dry patch, which seems to be usually around the time of his encounters, of course.

I was going to text him today with 'Sometimes I feel with the texting full conversations with someone else while I'm there, with my asking for reassurance after you have an elongated evening with someone (and usually not getting it) or not hearing back from you for a while after these encounters... I tend to feel secondary. Not as much a priority as these encounters can be for you'.

And then I think... am I being passive aggressive? Am I being manipulative? Am I acting out of jealousy? I know (to some degree) these things need to be addressed with him, and many folks on here seem to have amazing partners that reach agreements, compromises, are able to talk about these things, and come to an understanding... these are things that I repeatedly bring up, and I think I need a new approach or something.

I hate to think of moving in as part of the solution, but it really might be. I wouldn't have too many doubts, concerns, questions at the end of the day when he climbs into bed with me.

I'm just wondering if I'm overreacting (as I said, I can have a fear of abandonment and my own issues). Maybe this is what polyamory is, and I need to accept this and these challenges in order to be with my partner (the good does outweigh the bad, of course)...

I don't know... and not sure if I should send the text. Any words of advice on my situation would be helpful!
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