Female Asexual married to Male Hypersexual: Hope poly bridges the gap

[FindingMyselfInTheGrey]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Yes, your h can hopefully find a nice woman to share regular sex, intimacy, dates and all that good stuff with. A fair warning from an experienced poly person though-- this hypothetical gf may or may not want a relationship with you.

Triads are rare. Sometimes we actively dislike our metamours. Hopefully we at least feel neutral and can be polite in passing. Sometimes there can be true friendship. Rarely there can be real romantic love and even more rarely, sexual activity. All 3 living together in peace and harmony? Chances are extremely slim.

I understand that there is a difference between a desired and a realistic relationship. I am hopeful that we could find someone that we can both have a relationship with. I desire a deep friendship with my metamour, but in reality I understand that this may not happen and that I may need to be satisfied with a neutral, polite relationship. At a bare minimum I want to have open, respectful communication with her.
We have a desire to share a life, a home, and a long-term relationship with someone we both like in some way. However we also realize that this is a rare occurrence and would realistically be satisfied with just living close enough for Hubbs to visit on a regular basis.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

If he wants sex every day, I think throwing around the "hyper" word is unhelpful and possibly hurtful. He is not an oversexed beast.

I hadn’t meant him to sound like an ‘oversexed beast’ because that’s not how I feel about him at all. I just used the term as a way to describe his needs…not who he is. He is an amazing man. Full of courage, honor, creativity, strength, life and love, he is more than his desire for frequent sex. If it was all about sex for him, I wouldn’t have any desire to be in any sort of relationship with him.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Have you agreed to him starting to look for a gf while you and he are living apart? OK Cupid (free dating site, poly friendly) is a good place to start.

While were divorced he had been seeing a woman and is currently communicating with her his change in marital status, and our agreement for an open relationship (and that I am ok with Hubbs and her being together). Neither of them is looking for anything long-term at this time and need to keep their relationship on the DL due to their jobs. So there are minimal chances of any long term relationship between the two of them. As soon as his current contract is up, he will be leaving his job and moving here, at which time they will be going their different directions.
At the same time Hubbs has given me the ok to have a non-sexual cuddle-buddy.

[MeeraReed]

What a moving story.

I'm so sorry about your dog. How devastating. That must have been a horrific ordeal.

May I ask, how is the surviving dog doing?

And I hope you are doing okay too, of course. You sound like a strong and thoughtful person.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by FindingMyselfInTheGrey

I understand that there is a difference between a desired and a realistic relationship. I am hopeful that we could find someone that we can both have a relationship with. I desire a deep friendship with my metamour, but in reality I understand that this may not happen and that I may need to be satisfied with a neutral, polite relationship. At a bare minimum I want to have open, respectful communication with her.

Well, OK. I just think... well, you can find a nice friend anywhere. Isnt the main thing to meet your h's needs for more sex? As another horny person, I can relate to him, you see. Hopefully he will meet someone you like, but she may not be available to you as a friend , either emotionally or because of time and distance restraints. She may not want a "cuddle buddy."

We have a desire to share a life, a home, and a long-term relationship with someone we both like in some way.

A home? That is really putting the cart before the horse. Let your h have some cuddles, laughs and romance leading to sex. Finding a single woman who wants to move in with a couple smacks of unicorn hunting.

I hadn’t meant him to sound like an ‘oversexed beast’ because that’s not how I feel about him at all. I just used the term as a way to describe his needs…not who he is. He is an amazing man. Full of courage, honor, creativity, strength, life and love, he is more than his desire for frequent sex. If it was all about sex for him, I wouldn’t have any desire to be in any sort of relationship with him.

Heh, I'm sure he's a great guy with the patience of Job. I wonder... this term hypersexual, does that come from the asexual community? Or does anything more than 3 or 4 times a week count as hyper? Anyone can answer this, I am just curious.

While were divorced he had been seeing a woman and is currently communicating with her his change in marital status, and our agreement for an open relationship (and that I am ok with Hubbs and her being together). Neither of them is looking for anything long-term at this time and need to keep their relationship on the DL due to their jobs. So there are minimal chances of any long term relationship between the two of them. As soon as his current contract is up, he will be leaving his job and moving here, at which time they will be going their different directions.
At the same time Hubbs has given me the ok to have a non-sexual cuddle-buddy.

OK, so we don't know yet if his current gf is willing to keep seeing him even though he's now married again but living separately?

[kdt26417]

Re:

"I wonder ... this term hypersexual, does that come from the asexual community? Or does anything more than 3 or 4 times a week count as hyper? Anyone can answer this, I am just curious."

I had not heard of the word "hypersexual" before. I'd be surprised to find out it came from the asexual community; after all, they are trying to tell us that it's okay to have an "unusual frequency" of desire for sex. In fact if "hypersexual" means "wants a lot of sex," then the word for "wants little/no sex" would be hyposexual. Neither word really works.

I don't think it's "abnormal" to want sex once a year or many times a day, there's all kinds of different people, with a wide range of characteristics. Which if anything, makes the world more fun and interesting.

I don't think "hypersexual" was meant in a bad way, I just don't know what a good word would be to use as a substitute. Supersexual perhaps? Something with more of a positive spin on it.

Just thinking out loud,
Kevin T.

[his1911]

Too the OP, very eerily similar story to my wife and mines relationship! Including the divore, moving that ended due to car wreck, and remarriage! She's not quite asexual but has a significantly different drive than I myself do. Poly wasn't our answer to the difference, we started swinging and once we discovered poly it was a much better fit! Though it does have its ups and downs! Feel free to pm me if you'd like to chat with someone who has experience in such a situation. Both of us here know how frustrating the situation can be at times!
Nathan

[FindingMyselfInTheGrey]

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

What a moving story.

I'm so sorry about your dog. How devastating. That must have been a horrific ordeal.

May I ask, how is the surviving dog doing?

My other pup is doing quite good. She was very beat up from the accident, a lot of brusing and one nasy laceration...bad enough that I had to leave her with Husband when I moved, but he tells me that she has healed up completely and is ready to fly to me. I can't wait to have her back!

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Well, OK. I just think... well, you can find a nice friend anywhere. Isnt the main thing to meet your h's needs for more sex? As another horny person, I can relate to him, you see. Hopefully he will meet someone you like, but she may not be available to you as a friend , either emotionally or because of time and distance restraints. She may not want a "cuddle buddy."

A home? That is really putting the cart before the horse. Let your h have some cuddles, laughs and romance leading to sex. Finding a single woman who wants to move in with a couple smacks of unicorn hunting.

Heh, I'm sure he's a great guy with the patience of Job. I wonder... this term hypersexual, does that come from the asexual community? Or does anything more than 3 or 4 times a week count as hyper? Anyone can answer this, I am just curious.


OK, so we don't know yet if his current gf is willing to keep seeing him even though he's now married again but living separately?

We all have certian expectations of who we want to spend our lives with. As children we imagine meeting our 'Prince' who will whisk us away on his big horse and ride us away to live in his castle in the clouds. Then we grow up and realize that that 'Prince' just isn't going to happen so we come up with different desires in our lifemate(s). Even then we realize that some of those desires just don't/wont fit into reality so we adjust our desires. Cut me a little slack as I'm still in the adjustment period. I have an general idea of what I desire in a metamour, however I also realize that some of those desires/expectaions just won't happen. I do have a bare minimum expectation as well. -I refuse to be disrespected or mistreated by anyone in my life or by anyone involved with my husband. And my husband feels the same way.

The nice thing about being a grown up and being in a poly lifestyle with other grown ups is that I don't feel a need to justify my lifestyle choices or way of life to anyone.

Originally Posted by kdt26417

Re:

I had not heard of the word "hypersexual" before. I'd be surprised to find out it came from the asexual community; after all, they are trying to tell us that it's okay to have an "unusual frequency" of desire for sex. In fact if "hypersexual" means "wants a lot of sex," then the word for "wants little/no sex" would be hyposexual. Neither word really works.

I don't think it's "abnormal" to want sex once a year or many times a day, there's all kinds of different people, with a wide range of characteristics. Which if anything, makes the world more fun and interesting.

I don't think "hypersexual" was meant in a bad way, I just don't know what a good word would be to use as a substitute. Supersexual perhaps? Something with more of a positive spin on it.

Just thinking out loud,
Kevin T.

I originally did find the term Hypersexual in a list of definitions on the AVEN forum but the term actually dates back to the late 1800s. More recently is has been discussed as a disorder to add to the DSM-V, but has been rejected at this time. But then again once upon a time Homosexuality was listed in the DSM and we see how well that worked out.

[kdt26417]

Seems like there is already a word for the *disorder* of wanting "too much sex;" namely, sexual addiction (and the person who has the disorder is a sex addict). Addiction is a good word for that because it doesn't speak too directly to actual quantity per se. Instead, an addiction is anything that is out of control in your life, and that is messing your life up. Someone who has sex once a week could be a sex addict, just as easily as someone who has sex many times a day. It's not the amount; it's the effect it's having on that person's life.

I would think of "hypersexual" as a synonym for "sexual addiction" because "hyper-" means "too much" (just as "hypo-" means "too little"). I don't think you are judging your husband as being "overboard" in the sex area, you are just wanting to be respected yourself as someone who is (quite a bit) less sexually active than he is.

So just in case "hypersexual" ends up in the DSM-V or other DSM, we should have a word that doesn't mean "they want too much sex" (just that they want a *lot* of sex). I nominate "supersexual" (as the opposite of "asexual"). Who's with me?

[FindingMyselfInTheGrey]

Originally Posted by kdt26417

Seems like there is already a word for the *disorder* of wanting "too much sex;" namely, sexual addiction (and the person who has the disorder is a sex addict). Addiction is a good word for that because it doesn't speak too directly to actual quantity per se. Instead, an addiction is anything that is out of control in your life, and that is messing your life up. Someone who has sex once a week could be a sex addict, just as easily as someone who has sex many times a day. It's not the amount; it's the effect it's having on that person's life.

I would think of "hypersexual" as a synonym for "sexual addiction" because "hyper-" means "too much" (just as "hypo-" means "too little"). I don't think you are judging your husband as being "overboard" in the sex area, you are just wanting to be respected yourself as someone who is (quite a bit) less sexually active than he is.

So just in case "hypersexual" ends up in the DSM-V or other DSM, we should have a word that doesn't mean "they want too much sex" (just that they want a *lot* of sex). I nominate "supersexual" (as the opposite of "asexual"). Who's with me?

Not to split hairs but having the two terms as synonyms is akin to calling every heavy drinker an alcoholic (i.e. addicted to alcohol). The key difference between being a heavy consumer of alcohol, food, sex or anything else and being an addict is that (as you say) an addiction is a behavior that is out of control in your life, and that is messing your life up.

In this case hypersexuality is only a problem because I'm an asexual. If I had a normal sex drive it wouldn't be a problem at all.

I really wish I could find more information without going to proposed DSM articles and generic definitions given by various online dictionarys. I and Hubby use the term as a self-given descriptor of his needs and desires. Perhaps we have been using it incorrectly this whole time but the term seems to fit. But I wouldn't say that he's a sex addict either.

[kdt26417]

Well, I don't see a problem as long as we know what is meant by a particular word. In this thread, I wasn't confused about hypersexual, and I'm thinking your husband wasn't confused about it either. So I'm easy ... hypersexual it is.

[Magdlyn]

Gosh, this isn't a science symposium. Why not just say horny?

He may seem super dee dooper horny because he's gone without for so long. It's like starvation. If you don't get to eat enough for weeks, months, years on end, it gets to where all you can think about is food. Likewise with sex. If he's been deprived for years, he may become seemingly obsessed. Once he is on a regular diet he may feel satisfied with X number of times a week, after a while of gorging himself.


I am glad he has this gf as an outlet for now. I hope he can keep her once you 2 are reunited, or find another partner asap.

Also, another way I relate. My gf can go through periods of times where she doesn't want sex, just cuddles. She is also a nudist and is usually naked when we are alone together. So, I see her adorable nakedness, and she hugs, kisses, flirts, and snuggles me for hours on end, I get more and more turned on, more and more frustrated. It sucks to have to masturbate when she is in the next room and can't or won't come and help me out. It sucks when I desire her so bad and I feel undesired and undesirable half the time we are together.

Now, I do have this super horny bf and we have one overnight date a week and we do a ton of foreplay, kink and fucking. Thank god. I still get frustrated w gf a lot though, the rest of the week!