Dating

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by Helo

I've been doing that for a while but I've been running into the problem is poly being basically a dealkiller with people. Its happened frequently; I meet someone who is amazing in every respect...and then the conversation gets to the "poly" part and she basically says "not for me, ever."

If you have decided that poly is a non-negotiable "bottom line" for you, and the other person says "no poly, no way", then in some ways you are saving time by not putting energy into dating someone that is going to be ending it as soon as they find out.

It is very disappointing the number of people for whom poly has that sort of picture, but it is what it is.

[Helo]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

If you have decided that poly is a non-negotiable "bottom line" for you, and the other person says "no poly, no way", then in some ways you are saving time by not putting energy into dating someone that is going to be ending it as soon as they find out.

It is very disappointing the number of people for whom poly has that sort of picture, but it is what it is.

I realize that a polyamorous relationship is what I need to make me happy. I was in a monogamous relationship for a combined ten years before coming to this realization and I've never encountered anything that felt so comfortable.

My last relationship was five years, we almost got married, and I figured out monogamy just doesn't work for me.

[nycindie]

Are you partnered or solo? It should be easier of you are solo.

I wonder if you are building up some apprehension in your mind about "dropping the poly bomb" on people, making it some big deal that you are going to reveal to them like a deep dark secret instead of just another aspect of yourself that you talk about when getting to know someone. People will pick up on that kind of nervousness.

It doesn't have to be such a heavy topic. Be casual and matter-of-fact about it. You're dating, not looking for exclusivity, and hope to see this person again, blablabla.

[Helo]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Are you partnered or solo? It should be easier of you are solo.

Solo.

I wonder if you are building up some apprehension in your mind about "dropping the poly bomb" on people, making it some big deal that you are going to reveal to them like a deep dark secret instead of just another aspect of yourself that you talk about when getting to know someone. People will pick up on that kind of nervousness.

It doesn't have to be such a heavy topic. Be casual and matter-of-fact about it. You're dating, not looking for exclusivity, and hope to see this person again, blablabla.

True, and I used to have a problem with this but I think I've worked on it and its no longer an issue (I think so, anyways). I try to be upfront with people just so its not a huge surprise after several hours of conversation. Its paragraph #2 on my OkCupid so its plain to see.

[becsjunk999]

ok so you would think we would have a not so hard time finding a male to talk with us about joining our f/f relationship. I think we have come close to finding all the creeps in our area on okc. What are we doing wrong? We are good looking, established, employed and enjoy a variety of interests. Any man interested in talking with us? Looking for an established person near us (northern CA) who is family friendly (we have a son) between the ages of 27 and 40. If this is off-putting to you non-creepy people out there please let us know why, I would love to know. Thanks

[Wolfwood]

Originally Posted by becsjunk999

ok so you would think we would have a not so hard time finding a male to talk with us about joining our f/f relationship. I think we have come close to finding all the creeps in our area on okc. What are we doing wrong? We are good looking, established, employed and enjoy a variety of interests. Any man interested in talking with us? Looking for an established person near us (northern CA) who is family friendly (we have a son) between the ages of 27 and 40. If this is off-putting to you non-creepy people out there please let us know why, I would love to know. Thanks

I'm assuming that you both are attempting to meet somebody online? My guess is that most guys will think this is too good to be true and, therefore, this must be some kind of scam. Just my 2 cents.

-Wolf

[ManofDiscovery]

Originally Posted by Wolfwood

I'm assuming that you both are attempting to meet somebody online? My guess is that most guys will think this is too good to be true and, therefore, this must be some kind of scam. Just my 2 cents.

-Wolf

Yeah, I think you're onto something there, Wolf.

I imagine most of the guys you'll get messages from are thinking 'omg how hot would it be to get in with a FF couple!!!' and you get the super horny filthbag emails.

The decent genuine guys who want to give something rather than just take - it's quite likely that they think 'oh these girl will have so many dudes messaging them that I'll never stand out from the crowd'.

It might help to put something that addresses this issue in your profile, something like 'if you're a nice, genuine, open minded guy who has a lot to give - don't think that you don't have a chance with us because we get tons of emails. Most of the emails we get are a total waste of time and we are actually really keen to find a guy who is 'just right' for us. That guy could be you'.

It might just be the encouragement the right kind of guys need.

[becsjunk999]

Great suggestions. Thanks guys!

[SrAh]

Originally Posted by Wolfwood

I recommend traditional dating methods: meet lots of people (via online, nightlife, social circle, etc), flirt with them, inform them that you are poly and not remotely interested in a mono-relationship, and then keep the ones that stick around. It really doesn't need to be more complicated then that.

Dating is a numbers game. If you increase the number of people you talk to (flirt with), then you'll increase the chance of finding a good match.

Cheers,
-Wolf

I love this answer! Keep the ones that stick around!