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  #11  
Old 02-06-2013, 01:55 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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I think that is part of the problem...she doesn't think she has done anything wrong. She has never apologized or even owned up to what she did and what she was trying to do. She feels like she was lied to so she thought our marriage was already over so she wasn't destroying anything. But if there is anything that I am not that is nieve so I can't just dismiss her guilt because he lied to her or made her think we were 'roomates' like she was with her husband. We lived in the same home, I was pregnant (so obviously we were still having sex). It was obvious our marriage was still intact when they began their affair. He wants to have this rule we leave the past in the past and not bring it up but obviously that is easier said than done...memories, bad feelings, being hurt don't just go away just because they are getting brushed under the carpet.
And we tried the date by ourselves and she couldn't stop talking about him.

Last edited by tamlvscarl; 02-06-2013 at 02:01 PM. Reason: Added more info
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  #12  
Old 02-06-2013, 02:27 PM
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Well, it is hard to determine how extensively your husband lied to her, without actually having been there. Did he indeed inform her that you were pregnant? and if so, how do we know this? because he said so? or has she said as much also?

Also consider that NRE exerts a strong force over the mind. It makes one more susceptible to the power of suggestion ... even mistruth, even if it doesn't add up ... from the partner one is newly in love with.

Has she made a formal agreement with you not to talk about him during her time with you? If not, it might be something to consider to get that kind of agreement from her, if she will give it.

Obviously, there is a long way to go before you and she can have an amicable relationship. Maybe you will have to separate yourselves from one another for awhile, linked only by your husband. But the problem there is, he doesn't seem to be innocent in all of this either. In fact I wonder if he doesn't have far to go in the honesty department.

Re:
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"He wants to have this rule we leave the past in the past and not bring it up but obviously that is easier said than done ... memories, bad feelings, being hurt don't just go away just because they are getting brushed under the carpet."
See, to me, that sounds like he just wants to avoid the accountability for his own actions.
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  #13  
Old 02-06-2013, 02:43 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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I know for a fact she knew I was pregnant...that is what pushed them together in the first place.

I understand that when you are new & in love you believe the unbelievable but that doesn't excuse what she did does it?! That doens't rid her of any guilt or saying she was wrong or sorry.

Yes we had a very clear, upfront agreement this time around that we would leave him out of it for now and try to build a relationship as if there was no him. First as friends and then possibly romantically.

I am at a loss of what to do...if we keep things separate maybe we will grow further apart and more comfortable in our roles as arms of a vee and nothing more?

I guess he wants to move forward and not keep having these things thrown in his face which I can understand. If I'm going to move forward I guess I do have to let it all go but if only it was that easy to actually do!

Thank you for so much valuable feedback!! You've been such a great person to bounce these things off of.
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Old 02-06-2013, 03:09 PM
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Re:
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"I understand that when you are new and in love you believe the unbelievable but that doesn't excuse what she did does it?!"
It doesn't exactly excuse her, it just provides a context and an explanation should she ever begin to say she's sorry.

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"That doesn't rid her of any guilt or saying she was wrong or sorry."
Indeed, she is still responsible for saying she was wrong or sorry.

Don't forget, even if you can't extend trust to her at this time, you can still let go of any ill will you might harbor against her. That's one part of forgiveness. The regaining trust part is more complicated, and requires work on her part.

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Quote:
"I am at a loss of what to do ... if we keep things separate maybe we will grow further apart and more comfortable in our roles as arms of a vee and nothing more?"
Maybe so. And maybe if you get to a comfortable spot in that area, a better chance (e.g. a cleaner slate) will present itself in the future, in which you can try again to be friends. It doesn't always work to try to do everything *right now.*

Re:
Quote:
"I guess he wants to move forward and not keep having these things thrown in his face which I can understand. If I'm going to move forward I guess I do have to let it all go but if only it was that easy to actually do!"
I think he has some responsibilities too that he needs to step up to. He needs to admit he was wrong; he needs to apologize, and show that he can be trusted to tell the truth from now on as well.

Hope some of this helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #15  
Old 02-06-2013, 03:19 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Yes I agree I need to forgive her more for myself and my own sanity to move forward than for her. Would be nice to hear an apology some responsibility for her actions rather than just playing the victim.

We took a year off...cut off all contact whatsoever with one another and came back to it and it still seems to be going sour. It started off good this time around but then we seemed to be throwing digs at one another, competing, one-upping each other. That is what has me questioning if this can ever work.

He has apologized to me numerous times and I think he is pretty honest and upfront with me now so I do know I need to let it go which I pretty much have. It's very rare that I bring up the past with him anymore.
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  #16  
Old 02-06-2013, 11:53 PM
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It sounds like you have a good chance of forming a vee, with husband as the hinge, and you and girlfriend as the "arms of the vee." Given the amount of friction between you and girlfriend, I think I'd suggest you two try to steer clear of each other, at least for now. Vees have been formed in the past where the "arm persons" were not friends, and it has worked. This one can work too, I think.

Keep your interaction with girlfriend down to a minimum for now. If necessary, you can even ask husband to not talk to you about her. Depends how many unmanageable feelings it conjures up to hear about her.

In a year or five years or whatever, you and girlfriend may find you can rub shoulders a little without too much friction. If so, that's great. But if it never happens, that's okay too. You share a man in common and that's enough. You don't have to be friends, just be cordial enough to say hi to each other in passing.

Now, if a separated vee like that is not the kind of configuration you were hoping for, if you really wanted a triad, then perhaps you would try interacting with girlfriend just in small bits at a time. The two of you might get "better at hanging out together" if you don't do it too much at first. Find out what is the sensible limit that you can handle for right now.

Heh, of course there's always breaking up. But I'm thinking you don't want to try anything that drastic just yet. Just don't push yourself too hard, that's all I'm saying.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #17  
Old 02-07-2013, 01:24 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Thanks for all the great advice and feedback. It's nice to be able to actually talk about this out in the open. Friends and family think I'm crazy for sharing and don't get it so I appreciate you lending your ear. I think I am going to take your advice, take things slow, don't force anything and see where it leads us.
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  #18  
Old 02-07-2013, 07:56 PM
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Sounds good.
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