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  #641  
Old 02-06-2013, 08:27 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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I feel similarly to you re: gender - interesting snippet, thanks for sharing.
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  #642  
Old 02-07-2013, 07:34 PM
SrAh SrAh is offline
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I just stumbled upon this and I would LOVE to hear how it's working out. I'm married and have a boyfriend, and babies are a topic of interest to me.
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  #643  
Old 02-07-2013, 10:26 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SrAh View Post
I just stumbled upon this and I would LOVE to hear how it's working out. I'm married and have a boyfriend, and babies are a topic of interest to me.
My gf has gone through a lot of changes over the course of her pregnancy and the first 1.5 years of her baby's life so far, and so has our relationship. Her ease in being physically intimate with me has lowered, as, of course, has her free time (the latter more drastically). But we've held it together, and have grown our relationship during that time -- doing new things together, trying more kinky stuff. We're even planning on going on an out of state trip together later this year, which will be a huge first for our relationship.

Being involved in her child's life has been truly wonderful. I enjoy babysitting, and I know it's a major help to her and her husband, as they work to keep their own relationship strong during this difficult phase of early parenthood. At the same time, it's been emotionally trying. Secondary relationships often are to begin with, especially if one partner (me in this case) doesn't have a full-time primary partner of their own and the other does. I'm very aware of the limits on her time and focus, and of the fact that she's growing a family that I'm close to, but not a part of. Sometimes I get sad about it, and I wouldn't recommend this sort of relationship to someone more needy or emotionally fragile. But the good stuff, for me at least, far outweighs the bad.

If you want more details, just read my posts over the last two years -- I've been pretty thorough.
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  #644  
Old 02-11-2013, 01:12 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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It's been a rough few days.

On Friday, Gia and Eric had a party at their place, just a little movie watching thing. I gave them both a lift to their place from the city, then hung out with them as we prepped for the gathering.

As we chatted, Eric mentioned how surprised and pleased he was that he's been dating Helen for four months so far and that everything's been going very well -- better, he noted, than with some people he knows who are only with one person. We'd been talking about our other partners all night and I'd been just fine, but somehow that particular comment hit me badly.

I was vaguely offended that he seemed to be implying that the expectation should be that poly will go poorly. I was just plain jealous that he did, in fact, consider himself to be dating her. She's his girlfriend. You know, the thing he didn't want when I'd checked in on the subject a couple of years ago. And I was profoundly annoyed at myself for being hurt by something he'd said years ago when I know that 1) things change, 2) I never *really* even asked directly if he'd like to try that with me, 3) I haven't even been available to date him myself, and, most of all, 4) if it wasn't right with me it wasn't right and that's OK.

The offense, jealousy, and annoyance blended together into a sort of sullen, sulky mindset that I did NOT want to be in but wasn't sure how to escape. Bleh bleh bleh. In hindsight, it would have been best to take a walk around the block to re-center. Instead, I did my best to ignore it. As the night went on I felt off, thrown, like I just couldn't do anything right -- even my attempts at simple cocktails came out gross, as if in reflection of my disordered thoughts.

Both Helen and Dexter came to the party, along with several of our other friends. I kept a bit more to myself than I normally would, until a drink or two loosened and relaxed me... a little too much, as it turns out. At one point, I was sitting on the floor, leaning against Helen's legs -- she was seated on the couch behind me. I honestly forget how this happened, but she ended up punching my shoulder. I laughed, said I liked it (I did), said she should do it harder. She obliged, and we went through several rounds of her hitting me harder and me exhorting her to do it even harder.

I... might have gone a little over the top and yelled at her, in my enthusiasm, about how she ought to go even harder. She stopped. I suddenly realized how pushy and maybe even creepy I was being. I was aghast at myself. Gia swooped in and reassured Helen that she hadn't done anything wrong, that it was cool to stop. I hastened to agree, and to apologize, profusely. Helen is a nervous person by nature, and I couldn't believe that I'd made her uncomfortable in such a selfish way, and that I'd let myself look like such an ass in front of Gia. Ugh. No way to take it back, though.

I withdrew even more... not so much so that it would've necessarily been obvious to anyone that I was upset, but clearly different from my normally gregarious self. I didn't know what else to do. I kept catching myself thinking that Gia was happier to see Dexter, more interested in him, than she'd been with me, for no good reason. I was just a mess, mentally.

Near the end of the night, I rested my head on Eric's lap for a bit and he ruffled my hair. It was nice, but I barely had it in me to enjoy it. I laid on the couch, and Gia sat on top of me, something we'd discussed before and that I had been very enthused about. It was nice, but, again, distraction kept me from savoring it fully. At the end of the night, with most of the other guests gone, she and I kissed goodnight. She said that it seemed like I'd been upset and I acknowledged that I had but that I was feeling better (sort of a lie?).

Most of the time I feel like an adult, but sometimes I feel like a teenager again. That night was one of those times.

The next day I was just kicking myself mentally all day long for how I'd acted with Helen. I talked to a couple of other friends who'd been at the party and they said they honestly thought it hadn't been that big of a deal, and that helped me finally calm down about it. I realized that maybe part of why I took it so hard was that I felt rejected in my kink -- like, hurt by the fact that she was freaked out by me liking what she was doing. So, yeah, I maybe should have been more sensitive and chill towards her, but I probably over-focused on that aspect of it in the midst of my embarrassment and sense of rejection and the malaise of all the other stuff I was feeling. Idek. Mostly over it now -- and definitely feeling 1,000% more chill and normal about the fact of my lovers having other lovers -- but I'll probably still reach out to apologize to her, just to see what she says.

In other news, Davis and I sort of mostly broke up yesterday. More on that when I have more time to write.
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  #645  
Old 02-11-2013, 02:19 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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That does sound like a rough few days. Sorry to hear all that and I'm really sorry for you and Davis.
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  #646  
Old 02-11-2013, 02:25 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I recently read your whole blog from the beginning and was so captivated by your journey.. this last entry makes me sad.. so sorry to hear that things are tough right now.
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  #647  
Old 02-11-2013, 09:32 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default You are Lovely.

It sounds like you're feeling much worse than the situation actually merits, based on what other people have said, and just from my own personal opinion. Sometimes we're just off, and that's okay; no reason to beat yourself up over it, that's for sure. You're so conscientious and thoughtful, and with so much going on mentally it makes sense that things were a little off. I've been there, and know how wretched it feels, but there is always next time to have things go more smoothly. Hugs.

Makes sense to me that you'd be feeling jealous and nervy about Helen and Eric - I'd have a tough time with that in your shoes too. It'll get easier!
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  #648  
Old 02-12-2013, 03:59 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thanks for the thoughts, all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
It sounds like you're feeling much worse than the situation actually merits, based on what other people have said, and just from my own personal opinion.
You're completely right about this, I took it waaay harder than necessary. It just struck a real nerve, I think, when my nerves were already jangling. I messaged Helen about it today and she laughed off the idea that I had anything to feel bad about. The conversation actually had a bit of a flirty tone. Not sure I want to go there? Hmm. No reason to dwell on it.
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  #649  
Old 02-12-2013, 05:15 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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It came down to this, essentially, over the course of a couple of days --

Me: I don't think this is working out. We're nowhere near getting to the place we were aiming for when we started.
Davis: I don't necessarily disagree. I just think it means we need to re-commit, work harder.
Me: I don't know that I can. I care for you deeply, but I don't see building my life with you. You deserve someone you can do that with.
Davis: I want to fight for this. I want to fight for you. I love you so much.
Me: ;_; oh god i am making a terrible mistake
Me: idek what's wrong with me, you are so lovely and brave and good
Davis: So, we're not breaking up?
Me: I don't know.
Me: ...
Me: Yeah, no, I know I really do want to break up. As conflicted as I am, this has been on my mind for way too long. And I think that means we can't be friends. Because we tried that before, and we just ended up back together.
Davis: What if we just decided we were both going to really give this our all instead?
Me: No. I know what my core is trying to tell me. I need to let this relationship go.
Davis: Ok.
Davis: Wait, not ok. ;_; I'm so isolated right now, I don't even know what to do or who to call. I feel utterly alone and lost.
Me: Oh yeah, you had kinda been telling me that all your closest friends had dropped off the map lately... and then there's that whole history of depression and mental issues thing you've got going on... I truly don't know what would happen to you if you were completely cut off from support.
Me: ...fuck. I won't leave you alone. I promise. I'm here for you, as a friend, if you need me.
Davis: Thank you.
Me: Losing our friendship had been my greatest fear all along, anyway, really.
Me: Is this ridiculously unhealthy though?
Davis: Maybe? I have no idea.
Me: Wouldn't it be better for you if I were gone entirely?
Davis: That's for me to decide.
Davis: Here's my proposal. We'll stay friends, no expectations, no rules, no guidelines, no relationship.
Davis: And if we fall back into bed together from time to time? So be it.
Me: I'm too tired to debate any more, even though I'm very concerned that I'm doing the wrong thing by not cutting myself out of your life, and that us being fwb's would be detrimental to you. But god, it feels good to think that I don't have to stop talking to you. I hate thinking of not knowing how you're doing.
The various friends to whom I've spoken about this: The friend part sounds good! The fwb part sounds unhealthy like woah.
Me: Yeah, I know. I'm figuring it out, ok?
The various friends to whom I've spoken about this: Ok.
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  #650  
Old 02-12-2013, 08:55 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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(((((hugs)))))
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- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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