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  #101  
Old 02-02-2013, 08:39 PM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
But that's not a DADT policy. When she goes to spend the night with her gf, she doesn't tell you that she's going on a business trip. You know she has this girlfriend, you know that they have sex, and you know that they're together when they are.

The opposite of DADT is not "we tell each other each and every thing that happens when we're together with our other partner." The opposite of DADT is disclosure about the fact of having the relationship, the fact of having sex with someone else, the fact of where you're going when you go out. How much detail you give one another about those other relationships is a different spectrum altogether.
I like your definition.

Going by this, R. and I definitely don't have a DADT arrangement in place... and I'd be equally against DADT and the "not-opposite" in a ship I'd want to be in - neither would work for me at all, as both lack in the basic respect department, IMO.
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  #102  
Old 02-02-2013, 09:38 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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It would exhaust me (and them) if I had to tell my partners everything about everybody else, and it would bore the hell out of me (and them) if I had to listen to everything about everybody else. I really only NEED to know if someone taught somebody else about a new sexual thing we can try on each other.
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  #103  
Old 02-03-2013, 06:01 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I don't have any interest in hearing the details of who farted in bed, which person gleeked during oral sex etc. Seriously?

I expect honest communication regarding new relationships. But-respect of privacy is important too.
And in case anyone wants to digress into my various threads-I think privacy is fine-up until someone is abusing another person. An abuser loses the privilege of privacy and confidentiality.

But-I don't tell one guy the technical details of sex with the other. We have better things to do with our time.

What I DO ensure is that I don't pretend that my lover is "just a friend" or that my date is a business trip or study session. That's lying.

Furthermore-I dont ask for details about their sex lives with other people & they don't ask about mine. But if for some reason a question were asked-I wouldn't lie. I might tell them it was intimate and before I could answer we needed that other person there to be ok with sharing-because it's THEIR intimacy being asked about as well-not just mine. But-I wouldn't lie or fabricate a story.
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  #104  
Old 02-04-2013, 06:02 AM
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Velvet Velvet is offline
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Default This thread is quite a read...

Reading this thread made me realize I pretty much have a don't ask don't tell guidelines in my relationships. As metamours the two men I am with only know what sort contraception/STD preventing safety is being used, well and I guess that there is physical intimacy. Aside from that, I live with my guy Ave, and if I go out with my long-distance relationship BB he knows when I will be out and when I will be back.

It is so odd to realize I do that because in theory the idea sounds off to me...yet I do it! And it does go both ways. BB has had other relationships but I don't even know the women's names. It just never interested me. As long as the sex is safe I never cared. His other relationships are rare and don't last long (I might be horrible for saying that but it is true). All I hear is when he tells me there is someone new he has dating (but not right away, just eventually).

In contrast to that, I have found before I can even be physical with someone I have to tell them about all the people I have dated (sexual or not) and anything sex related. It's like I'm unloading baggage before really committing to someone, being up front on what my baggage is. I also need to explain a rather sensitive topic about used by my neighbor as a kid for sex. I don't use the other person as a post to vent at, just to explain I need to be treated sensitively sometimes when it comes to physical things. But for some reason I throw in all the other bad failed relationships...I didn't always do that, but I feel a lot better telling all the ugly things together. And since I adopted that stategy of unloading it all if things start to look serious I have been happy with the results. I'm getting off topic now...
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Last edited by Velvet; 02-04-2013 at 06:18 AM. Reason: middle paragraph
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  #105  
Old 02-04-2013, 07:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Velvet View Post
As metamours the two men I am with only know what sort contraception/STD preventing safety is being used, well and I guess that there is physical intimacy. Aside from that, I live with my guy Ave, and if I go out with my long-distance relationship BB he knows when I will be out and when I will be back.

...

And it does go both ways. BB has had other relationships but I don't even know the women's names. It just never interested me. As long as the sex is safe I never cared. His other relationships are rare and don't last long (I might be horrible for saying that but it is true). All I hear is when he tells me there is someone new he has dating (but not right away, just eventually).
I'm not sure I'd call that DADT. Many people (possibly you included, which is why I'm using your post as a jumping off point) seem to be equating DADT with privacy, whereas I see it as having more to do with secrecy.

Your partners know that the other exists. You know when they're seeing others, even if you don't care about the details. If you didn't tell either of your guys that there was anyone else or if they just disappeared on "business trips" every week or two and didn't tell you about their Others then by my definition it'd be DADT. As it is I'd call it open/poly without everyone being forced under a magnifying glass.
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  #106  
Old 02-04-2013, 04:25 PM
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Velvet Velvet is offline
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
I'm not sure I'd call that DADT. Many people (possibly you included, which is why I'm using your post as a jumping off point) seem to be equating DADT with privacy, whereas I see it as having more to do with secrecy.

Your partners know that the other exists. You know when they're seeing others, even if you don't care about the details. If you didn't tell either of your guys that there was anyone else or if they just disappeared on "business trips" every week or two and didn't tell you about their Others then by my definition it'd be DADT. As it is I'd call it open/poly without everyone being forced under a magnifying glass.
Feel free to use my post. I definitely respect the privacy of my lover, but it does occur to me there is no obligation to "tell" in our relationship. I didn't word it as well in my first post. If telling happens it is voluntary. And it is likely there are people I haven't been told about and I also don't ask. We've never discussed that other lovers must be disclosed, or never disclosed. It was odd to realize that was never set as a point of dialogue (or a point to be avoided) for my love BB and I. So I agree with you it's not DADT. It is much closer to it than I would've thought I wanted.

I believe I can live with knowing so little because there are very few people I know with as much integrity as BB. I believe and trust his judgement without reservation. That makes it easy.
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  #107  
Old 02-05-2013, 04:00 AM
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As I understand it, a DADT arrangement means that a person in a committed partnership has other lovers who he or she sees totally in secret. Their partner wants to be blissfully ignorant of any liaisons and pretends they are completely monogamous. They usually say, "Do what you want, but I don't want to know about it. Make sure I don't find out, and make sure no one else finds out. If anyone we know even suspects you are with someone else, we are through." And so, it's basically an ultimatum that forces the person to act like a cheater, and the only way they are allowed to have another relationship is if it is kept completely under wraps. Trysts with lovers get cancelled and swept aside whenever the partner needs them, and no excuse is accepted. That is DADT. I have been approached by several men who had that kind of arrangement, and I chose not to get involved. No way do I want to be someone's dirty secret.

Not divulging details about lovers or sexual practices to a partner who knows and consents that you have other lovers is not DADT. That's usually just about respecting someone's privacy or discomfort with sharing details. Additionally, there are plenty of people who are in poly situations and do not know their metamours at all. It is not a requirement to know and befriend your lover's lovers. That doesn't mean that the relationships are completely unacknowledged.

DADT is a totally different thing. DADT is all pretense.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-05-2013 at 04:13 AM.
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  #108  
Old 02-05-2013, 04:37 PM
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soleilselene soleilselene is offline
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Well, for the most part you are right, but my husband did not give me the ultimatum that he would leave if he learns about it. That is not us. He simply doesn't want to know.

Most of the people I have meet are keeping it from their families and friends because they do not want to be judged. I still have yet to meet (in person) someone who is completely open about their poly-amorous situation.
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  #109  
Old 05-17-2013, 06:43 PM
IndigoLoves IndigoLoves is offline
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Default Whew.. it's ok not to share EVERYTHING..thank you

I am so glad to have found this site. I have been in poly relationships for as long as I can remember. At this time I am the pivotal part of a triad. In other words.. I am a woman with two men as my primary relationship. One of them is poly, like me, and the other mono. We have been together 5 years. I have always been the OPEN one.. eager to talk about our experiences. That doesn't work for them. I found it perplexing that neither one of my men wants "too much information", and I didn't know where to draw the line.

I learned over time that it isn't because they don't care. It is because me discussing one with the other actually took away from the time was spending with "him". If wasn't a fair thing to do. So now, I enjoy my time with each of them and others that might come into our "circle", and if our other relationships come up, we can talk about it... otherwise, I just keep it simple and love each one in the time we have together.
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  #110  
Old 05-23-2013, 08:22 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Hi there,

I posted something similar on another link just a minute ago, but the SO and I are different on this regards.

The bf has an open relationship that is don't ask don't tell. All I want from the boys is that they are safe and let me know if they have a new partner. I am sticking with just the two of them because I am very uppity about potential STD's.

If they are keeping sexual partners to a minimum and promising me they are staying safe, I stay out of it. I really don't want to know.

The BF has one other partner that he hasn't been with in the two months we have been together. However, he is a grown man and I'm not gonna ask him to call it off, just be safe.

The SO is slightly different, I need to know a little more, because we have a son involved. He likes to know all the details that I am willing to share. It turns him on and makes him feel secure that I won't hide anything even if it might hurt.
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