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  #11  
Old 02-04-2013, 06:25 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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One spouse makes a thread. The other makes a thread. Both threads tell pretty much the same thing. No real shocking reveal of important details having been omitted. But one spouse clearly isn't comfortable with the other having their own voice on the matter.

What would you call that?
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  #12  
Old 02-04-2013, 06:44 PM
AJ1 AJ1 is offline
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One of the things that has come up for DH and I is the difference between how women tend to experience sexuality and how men do. Men tend to see sex as more of an act than women do, and women tend to want (or even sometimes need) more of a connection person-to-person with their partner to have a fulfilling sexual experience. Of course, there are many exceptions on both sides, so I don't mean to put genders into strict boxes, but understanding the difference can help partners communicate.

Perhaps Hrnycple's desire to connect with her partner(s) is interpreted by mrblueeyes as being more meaningful and threatening than it really is. A man might not need this connection in a strictly sexual relationship, and so may find this need hard to understand.

mrblueeyes - think about it this way: you could have a wild sexual relationship with a woman without wanting to leave your wife for her, right? Similarly, your wife may well be able to enjoy an emotional or intellectual relationship with a man without being "in love" with him or wanting to leave you for him.

That said, lying about sexual hygiene practices is a REALLY. BIG. FREAKING. DEAL!

Suggesting individual and couple's counseling in this instance is like suggesting diet and exercise to a person who is trying to lose weight. It's not the sexiest solution, and no one likes to hear it, but it really really is going to be the best way to work things like this out. Really. Seriously.

Last edited by AJ1; 02-04-2013 at 06:45 PM. Reason: grammar
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  #13  
Old 02-04-2013, 06:46 PM
Hrnycple Hrnycple is offline
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I had no intention of turning this into a blame game. I love my husband. He opened my eyes and mind to so many things. I was raised a very conventiOnal way. So this lifestyle was something new to me.

Yes it took me time to get comfortable with it. But I wasn't NOT open to it. If i came across that way in my original post, i apologize. It's just another way of thinking. I think I have come a long way when it comes to being open to the lifestyle despite being raised in a mono only household..

What I was hoping to get out of this was for some sound advice. I am looking for a alternative lifestyle counselor but it's slim pickings where we live.


I have no interest in leaving my husband or name calling him. I want to know how he feels. I want to work through this with him, with as little heart ache as possible. He is a great man who knows everything about me and we have a solid friendship and active sex life, as well as the most amazing child in the world.

In my opinion we need help communicating in this area of our marriage. It's difficult. I don't necessarily need validation for my feelings. I just want to focus on working this out. And what I can do to nourish our marriage.
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  #14  
Old 02-04-2013, 06:59 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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I responded in your husband's thread, where even in his telling of events he comes off as controlling, so I don't think we're name calling, I think we're looking at the behaviors that are presented as objectively as possible with the limited information we have.

I'm having trouble reconciling what you just posted to what you originally posted, namely this part:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hrnycple View Post
He will not listen to me. He remains angry at me and is constantly bringing everything up, rehashing things, questioning my motives and my fidelity to him. I am so frustrated and I cry all the time now. I can't function. I want our marriage to work! But I can't get through to my husband!!! He seems to think that I should be able to **** just any guy, that I shouldnt have to be attracted to them! Also, he used to complain that I never really go into ******* the other guys so I changed and made a real effort and now he thinks I am all obsessed and in love with these guys. WHICH I AM NOT!!! How do I convince him and fix all of this? I feel backed into a corner.

Please someone help me!!!
It isn't uncommon for people to see things different when they're upset than when they're calmer. The question is which one is the more accurate picture? Do you over-dramatize when you're upset? Or do you over-rationalize and justify things when you are calmer, and your true feelings come out when you're upset? I'm not saying one is right or wrong, I'm saying that YOU need to be honest with yourself about what's going on and what you personally can change. You can't change him. You can't change his behaviors nor how he communicates. IF he changes, great, but all you can do is make the best decisions possible for YOURSELF, YOUR health (both mental and physical), and your child.
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  #15  
Old 02-04-2013, 07:22 PM
AJ1 AJ1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hrnycple View Post
I am looking for a alternative lifestyle counselor but it's slim pickings where we live.
Not to belabor the point, but I don't think you need to restrict yourself to alternative lifestyle counselors. When I sought counseling, I was actually looking for specifically a Christian counselor - so I thought it would be almost impossible to find one that was open to my poly lifestyle choice. It was not hard at all. Just start with the first counselor or therapist you find near you, and ask them directly whether they have experience with swingers or alternative sexualities (whatever you feel best describes your situation). If they say no, ask if they can refer you to someone who does.
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  #16  
Old 02-04-2013, 07:34 PM
Hrnycple Hrnycple is offline
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Thank you. This is very helpful. Yes, I think I get over emotional and over react when upset. Yes, I think I regroup later and analyse a little more. Although I struggle with what I truly think and feel because my focus is and always has been, to be "good, liked, accepted, agreeable". The fact that we are at odds over this completely stresses me out and upsets me. I ALWAYS want to be number one in my husbands eyes. Whether that is right or wrong, I don't know, but it is how I feel. I reiterate that my main goal is to work this all out. I am committed to that and appreciate everyone's views and opinions.
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  #17  
Old 02-05-2013, 12:57 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I reiterate that my main goal is to work this all out. I am committed to that and appreciate everyone's views and opinions.
That is your goal. Is that his goal too? And you both want to try to work it out in what way? What are your proposed solutions? What are his proposed solutions?

What was both of your reactions to reading

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

together? Anything useful there?

The tactics list? Anything useful there?

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/u...urphy-2010.pdf

Because you cannot solve behaviors and change them if you are not willing to talk about them and identify them. Maybe you read both things and nothing rings a bell. That's great. You know what it is NOT, and that could be reassuring to both. That's half way there -- now on to finding what it IS.

I'm certainly not wishing you to be mistreated or abused. But if BEHAVIORS you guys choose to do to each other are less than trustworthy, sound controlling, sound "off" in some fashion... gotta be willing to acknowledge that it could be seen as "off" by other people even if that is hard to do.

I am not there. I am not in this relationship. If I were? Some of this stuff would make me go "ACK!" and raise red flags. You also see it is "off" otherwise you would not bother to post to begin with. Maybe it isn't loud enough volume for you to raise a red flag -- but you are at least raising some color flag. It does not sound like a green "all is good to go here!" kind of flag.

That's all I'm saying.

Quote:
I'm saying that YOU need to be honest with yourself about what's going on and what you personally can change. You can't change him. You can't change his behaviors nor how he communicates. IF he changes, great, but all you can do is make the best decisions possible for YOURSELF, YOUR health (both mental and physical), and your child.
I have to agree with ThatGirlInGray. I don't know either of you, so I'm not trying to be mean here. In his post he sounds a touch controlling too. So why is he not "secure" with your marriage?

Now "lying and no barrier sex" on your end was not cool (if this is how it played out. You do not mention this in your own post.) That kind of behavior does not cultivate an environment of "Trust" and "Secure" for the marriage. Have there been other things you do not mention? That would lead to him being nervous and controlling in the marriage because trust is shaky?

But what about before that? Why lie about it to begin with? Was it because he himself doesn't create an environment of "trust and secure" for you? Because he keeps asking you to cut off communication with lovers you enjoy? If you find another one that you enjoy, he is going to do what? Ask you to cut them out too? Is this the expectation/agreement in the marriage regarding "outside lovers?"

Could you both find a better way to create an environment of "trust and secure" for each other in the marriage with a counselor's aid?

Are you guys finding that he's more up for "swinging" and you are more up for "polyamory" in your open relationship model?

What model are you guys wanting to be in? What are the expectations of each other in that model? Of yourselves? Are these things reasonable and realistic? Doable?

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-05-2013 at 01:09 AM.
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