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  #631  
Old 01-26-2013, 05:14 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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My response to "I think my girlfriend may be straight"...

Desire is such a weird and fluid thing, hyper susceptible to interference and feedback from other factors... I totally hear that this may be a deeper, general issue to do with orientation rather than a you-specific dynamic, but I wonder how helpful it is to couch this worry in terms of Gia being straight/not rather than simply how things are between the two of you per se.

There may be many reasons why things are particularly complex in the sexual desire department between you and Gia... Can this be addressed head-on? Or sideways, vulnerable, hopeful, light-footed... ?

I know, for me, when my sex drive comes into question (most problematic when it's waned, for whatever reason, towards a particular person), the absolute worst thing is feeling pressure to fix it, or that things are only right if that aspect of our relationship is right.

Times like that, I can need a lot of space, and a strong reassurance that I can have non-sexual intimate with this person without feeling like I "owe them" sex, before I feel relaxed enough to explore being sexual (even so far as asking myself if I feel like it).

Gia's relief when you reassured her that you were happy to simply spend time together, even if you weren't physically intimate, resonated a lot with me. Feeling trapped in someone else's expectations can be a major block...

That said, phew, this shit is tough from your perspective. I wonder if it's possible to weave the most difficult aspects of your patience into a form of service? Gia calling you "hers" is a beautiful affirmation of her tenderness towards you... I'm not sure about this, I mean, it's such a personal thing.

I sometimes think about ways of serving that are waiting (actually waiting), without being paid attention to... This is one of the hardest things to do and still feel valued, I think. They don't want me right now, I am not needed or desired, or perhaps even thought about, but it is nonetheless a mutual act of love/intimacy... Not sure if you connect with this at all, but thought I'd share. Peace
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  #632  
Old 01-27-2013, 03:36 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, Fuchka. Lot of good insight there.

I think you're absolutely right that I need to think about this in terms of me and Gia. All along, I've been leaning on crutches to understand and deal with the various roadblocks to our sex life. Stuff to make it about something other than her and me... about her pregnancy, her libido, her orientation... and while I think it's natural to want to try to identify the factors that might be feeding into things, it's probably not wise to focus too much on that stuff. I mean, if I really convince myself that Gia is mostly-straight and that's why we aren't intimate as much as I'd like, how on earth will I cope if she suddenly develops an infatuation with another woman? I have to either be ok or not be ok in our relationship as it is, regardless of why exactly it is that way.

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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
There may be many reasons why things are particularly complex in the sexual desire department between you and Gia... Can this be addressed head-on? Or sideways, vulnerable, hopeful, light-footed... ?
There IS a lot going on that's she-and-me specific. One of those things has definitely been her feeling pressure when it comes to our relationship. I think our date last night may have helped with that (will describe more in another post). I love the last phrase you use above. Vulnerable, hopeful, light-footed. As much as I'd like to, I can't have "faith" in our relationship at this point in time. Things seem too unsure, and I've been hurt before in other relationships in ways that are hard to forget. But I can have hope, and I can be light and flexible and vulnerable and open within that hope.

It's helpful to hear that you relate to how she feels, and that space and lack of pressure makes a big difference for you.

And you're spot on with the idea of patience as a form of service. I've tried to conceptualize it like that before, with varying degrees of success, and I think it's an important idea to hold onto. Non-action can definitely be service. Heck, with Eric I've sometimes felt the desire to perform little acts of service (less so lately), and when I've felt that way I've reminded myself that he's explicitly said that he doesn't want that, and I've thought to myself "NOT serving him is the best way to truly serve him, because it's about what HE wants."

Similarly, this is about what she wants, and about me giving it to her. The difference being that while Eric presumably has little to no idea about my internal landscape when it comes to him, and what I do or don't do and why, Gia is very aware that when I go a whole evening without touching her, at her request, and am not tense or weird about it, despite the fact that of course I'd LIKE to touch her, that it's about me respecting her wishes and showing her love and service. Again, more soon in another post.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #633  
Old 01-28-2013, 10:48 PM
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The day of our date. I picked her up at her place in the late afternoon. Eric asked how long we'd be, and she gave him a time range ending around mid-evening. I thought to myself that that probably wouldn't be quite enough time for what we had planned, but I didn't say anything -- I figured that she knew our plans as well as I did, and if that's how long she wanted to spend, fair enough. No expectations.

We went back to the pottery place that we went to on our November date, to finish up our pieces. We ended up staying there for a couple of hours, idly working, chatting, relaxed. Very pleasant. As I mentioned in a previous post, she'd asked that I not initiate any physical contact, and I was scrupulous about this. As we were getting ready to leave, I pointed out that if we stuck with our original plan, which was to go back to my house so I could make us dinner, we'd be out later than she'd said. We texted Eric to let him know, he said it was fine.

On the ride back to my place, I gave in to curiosity and asked her about her recent experience with Dexter. She gushed, apparently it was amazing for both of them. There was one moment where I was smiling a small smile and then it suddenly fell off my face, and the positive emotions I was feeling fled as I asked myself "Am I really sitting here, happily hearing about how tingly they made each other, can this really be ok?" But the moment passed swiftly, without her noticing, and it actually WAS ok. Better than ok, actually. Her first time with a man other than her husband, his first time ever, and it went so well for both of them... it's a beautiful thing, truly. I loved the thought that she's been sexually active for fully half of her life, and yet can still learn and experience completely new things. Life should be like that for all of us.

At one point, I was waxing philosophical about poly, and I said "The wonderful thing about having multiple lovers is that each one teaches you new things about yourself... each one sees a part of you that no one else sees, and reflects it back to you, so you get to learn things you might never have otherwise learned." There was a pause in the conversation. "...plus," I added, "more people to help you move." We both cracked up at that.

Back at my place, I got to work getting dinner together -- mixed drinks, a couple of courses, and a healthy-but-rich dessert. As I chopped, we talked some more, she completed a puzzle and read a book. She got up at one point and cuddled me, as I worked -- it was the first time we'd touching all night and it was delightful. When everything was finally finished, I took it all out to the dining room, where I'd set up a bank of candles, which served as our sole lighting. The only thing missing were rose petals scattered over the table.

If I may say so myself, everything came out GREAT. She complimented me on it and ate everything with relish. She also commented on how odd, and yet how pleasant, it had been to let me do all the work. Normally she would have been trying to help, and would have felt uncomfortable sitting idle while someone else was busy, so it had been an experiment, a new thing, for her to relinquish all responsibility. I hardly need say that I was pleased to hear that she was happy with the experience. She touched me just a little more as we ate, chaste but intimate, warm. She told me that she wants to have me shine her boots before the next club night, which is an idea I am ALL about. It was thoughtful of her to suggest it, she knew how much I'd like the thought, and her boots are precious to her, personal.

By this point, we were passing the new target-time we'd given Eric, it was clear that it was going to be closer to midnight by the time we got back to her place. Gia texted back and forth with him for a minute, I wasn't sure what was passing between them and didn't ask. But she didn't rush the end of dinner, we took our time with dessert. I felt a little guilty, like I was being a bad metamour by not insisting that we rush back, but I couldn't honestly regret the time together in the least.

Finally, I took her home. As I was driving, she told me again what a wonderful time she'd had, and she ruffled my hair for at least a full minute. It felt so nice that I almost got distracted from the road. I was proud of myself for holding to the no-initiating-contact rule. Normally I'm very touchy-feely, so it had been a conscious effort, but not a painful one. It made me enjoy it all the more when she reached out, and it let me know for sure that she really wanted the contact. I only slipped up once, right as she was about to leave the car, I slipped my hand into hers. She squeezed my fingers. Then she kissed me, though not for long.

We saw each other again, the next night, at a show. Although we hadn't discussed whether or not it was meant to be for just the one night, I mostly stuck to not initiating physical contact. We have more plans coming up -- she may come out with me to a dance party in February as a just-us date. Without me pushing for it, she seems to be shooting for once-a-month dates, which is a relief for me, to think that that need can, in fact, be met.

I'm so curious... if I completely let go of initiating sexual contact, how long will it take before she chooses to initiate? WILL she choose to? Will we just end up having the occasional threesome together, which she seems more comfortable with (why should it be any different now, when that was always the case when we first started out)? No simple answers, no clear vision of our future together, but it's ok. It was a very good night with the woman I love, who loves me too.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 01-28-2013 at 11:19 PM.
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  #634  
Old 01-29-2013, 10:31 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I'm so curious... if I completely let go of initiating sexual contact, how long will it take before she chooses to initiate? WILL she choose to? Will we just end up having the occasional threesome together, which she seems more comfortable with (why should it be any different now, when that was always the case when we first started out)? No simple answers, no clear vision of our future together, but it's ok. It was a very good night with the woman I love, who loves me too.
I wonder about that subject sometimes, I imagine that takes a hell of a lot of willpower to try, along with very hard mental work to accept whatever the outcome is. I wish everything was easy answers though! Hopefully you can keep your mind focused on the positives regardless of what choices you make.

Mainly I wanted to come say that since I started following your tumbler feed in Google reader a couple weeks ago, you've kept me cracking up. Everything else I follow is sewing related, and I just open a bunch of blogs at a time, and the transition from "what an awesome quilt" to "wow look at all those cocks!" keeps startling me.
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  #635  
Old 01-30-2013, 03:22 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I. . . since I started following your tumbler feed . . . the transition from "what an awesome quilt" to "wow look at all those cocks!" keeps startling me.
Oh! Cocks!

Note to self: Read Annabel's tumbler blog.
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  #636  
Old 01-30-2013, 03:32 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Bwaha, awesome. XD

Nyc, for your ease of browsing, you can add "tagged/cocks" to the end of my blog url. I gotta warn you, though, it's gonna be equal parts women with cocks, cocks getting slapped, group sex that happens to include cocks, and misc. cocks.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #637  
Old 01-31-2013, 04:10 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZR1MYvJ7PUs

Tell me again
When I've been to the river
And I've taken the edge off my thirst
Tell me again
We're alone and I'm listening
I'm listening so hard that it hurts
Tell me again
When I'm clean and Iím sober
Tell me again
When I've seen through the horror
Tell me again
Tell me over and over
Tell me that you want me then
Amen
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #638  
Old 02-04-2013, 02:19 AM
NolesAndPhinsFan NolesAndPhinsFan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Bwaha, awesome. XD

Nyc, for your ease of browsing, you can add "tagged/cocks" to the end of my blog url. I gotta warn you, though, it's gonna be equal parts women with cocks, cocks getting slapped, group sex that happens to include cocks, and misc. cocks.
What is the feed? I'd like to follow it
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  #639  
Old 02-04-2013, 12:50 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NolesAndPhinsFan View Post
What is the feed? I'd like to follow it
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=347
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #640  
Old 02-06-2013, 07:11 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Life is continuing on as per normal -- club nights, babysitting nights, times where I've felt very connected, times where I've felt very disconnected, nothing I feel the need to dissect at the moment. We were briefly scheming about an orgy with all of G&E's partners, but for various reasons that's not gonna work out.

One neat thing, though. I gave Eric a ride back to his place tonight. On the way there, I yelled a sarcastic piece of encouragement at another driver who was being an ass. Eric yelled to the driver "Don't listen to him!" For the record, the other driver couldn't hear us, the windows were rolled up, we were just entertaining ourselves.

He called me "him". o_0

It was obviously an accident, and I'm almost certain he doesn't even know that he did it. But I felt... oddly *seen*, in that moment. It'd be hard to really explain without going into the long story of how I feel about my gender. Suffice it to say that, while I'm not trans, it means a lot to me to be able to think that my gender isn't what's important about me when it comes to my interpersonal relationships.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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