Phy's story - As you like it

[Phy]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I am so sorry, ... Don't know what else to say.

That's all there is, indeed Miss Indie. I don't know what else I could do or say to make it better. Thanks to all of you, your worries and all the virtual hugs are appreciated. I know that no one can do anything to make this less ... certain/unfair/painful/hard on us.

I have no idea if I would go through this hormonal treatment to have a child twice or if I would go through it at all. I guess I have an idea about the adoption option. We will never be able to adopt a child, as long as Lin lives with us (visibly). And there aren't 'enough' children in contrast to couples wanting to adopt one. At least as far as I heard. It's hard to be chosen.

I guess that all this needs some months to sink in. Right now, I get a strong sense of 'not meant to be' even though I don't have a thing for fate in general.

And thanks for the offer Jane, but I don't know what I should vent about. It is what it is, maybe I will be furious later on, but right now, I just feel numb.

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe

Tend to each other, take care of each other, love each other...

That's basically what we are trying to do right now. Sward has gotten really quiet and I guess he is a bit ashamed that he had thought about the situation (Lin possibly being more 'capable' than him) as 'unfair'. Or me trying first with Lin because of the circumstances. He is doing what he can to lighten up the mood. Started baking some buns (raisins and chocolate), surprised Lin and me with Dinner and is always the first to fetch us some things. And cuddles us all day as soon as we come into his reach. (Not that this changed in the least, he always did that, but now it lasts longer and his hug is a bit suffocating This guy is just too strong.)

Lin isn't thinking at all, it seems. He is waiting for the second test and postpones his reaction a bit. What scares me even more. I felt his heart twisting already when we talked about it. If this happens again, on a greater scale with certainty mixed to it … don't know how to prevent this. To be fair, there IS a possibility to have children. Maybe. We will know in four weeks. But that's connected to an operation and so much medical stuff, I don't think that we will be able to use it or to be able to pay for it. I went through my disbelieve already. When the shock comes for Lin, I won't be as burdened as I would have been with us experiencing this together. That's somehow something positive.

Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol

this is not what you had imagined.

Indeed, so true.

[wildflowers]

Phy-
LIke the others, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know the devastation/loss from a single miscarriage, and this is clearly a much bigger blow to your dreams.

Hugs.

[rory]

I'm so sorry to hear this... Take care, all of you. <3

[opalescent]

Phy, Sward, Lin,

I am so very sorry. My heart is heavy for all of you.

[Phy]

Thanks for your sympathy, it is appreciated.

___________________

How I miss my everyday trivia. I discovered a small piece of text about Sward and my habits, where we had some points to discuss two weeks ago or so. I had my coffee “date” with Miss Prof. But I just don't feel like any of those are important any more. It's just waiting for things to move forward, to give me something, anything to work with finally. It has been a week and I start to get impatient already. I am surprised that there isn't more grief or upset. I kind of just accepted it for what it seems to be right now.

Is that unhealthy? I suspect it to be, but I can't find more emotions inside of me. I am not upset by friends and acquaintances getting pregnant or seeing them with their children. I feel a sense of loss but there isn't any ill will or begrudging going on. I felt different some months ago from time to time, when I was waiting for things to simply happen. I caught myself thinking: “Come on … it's time for my turn now.” when I met one of my friends from school. She had just given birth to her second child and I was impatient and a bit jealous. Maybe because I saw us on a similar footing back then. Everything was possible. Now it's sadness but no negative feelings involved. As if this door had just closed and nothing I will do can open it again for me and therefore all my negative emotions seem to be wasted in the effort right from the start.

I am waiting. Waiting for my emotions to show a negative response. Maybe sadness is all I will feel in regard to this topic from now on. Waiting for some facts to come to light which will help me move on and DO something. On the other hand I am so used to sitting, waiting, thinking. I feel reminded of the time when I was pondering over the situation with Lin. Except I am not wishing for anything right now, as I can't think of a realistic thing to wish for.

I am grateful for Sward and Lin and their reaction so far. We aren't discussing the topic at length; there isn't much we can say. Overall the situation is quiet and everyone tries to not over-analyze anything. From time to time one makes a comment about this or that aspect. One of my immediate fears didn't come true. I feared for our intimacy being strained or forced. Fortunately, nothing changed. In a way Sward seemed to be relieved as well. His stress was higher than I noticed, now he knows what's up.

The only thing that is getting on our (collective) nerves is the outlook that this may be decided by money in the long run. I am in touch with a couple who went through nearly every medical treatment possible (similar situation to Lin's and mine) and they invested 20.000 Euro over the course of 6 years by now. Of course, things went wrong and wrong and wrong again in their case, but I can't plan for our attempt to just go well and everything is done after the first try. And it feels so wrong to 'purchase' a child. I planned sums of that amount to start building a home, to buy things; not a human life. Ah … just noticed that there are negative feelings. I get furious even thinking about this point. Yeay … negative emotions still available -.- .

What does this leave me with? The notion that if I would have been faster in my studies, that if Lin would be healthier and would be able to find a well-paid job, that if Sward's doctors had been more careful back then, that if … things were just different, we may have been able to handle this situation differently. And there they are again … IF's/WOULD's … that's meaningless right from the start. It is what it is. We will see.

[Phy]

It has gotten quiet around the baby topic by now. We are waiting for the things to come. I found a health insurance that would account for the costs for three tries of an artificial insemination. That would be a possibility as it seems. We will wait for the results of the next test.

__________________

Another topic to make up my mind about: Gossip.

I have been told that people talk about me. I was like “Yeah right, who would have the time to actually talk about me? About what really? I am not that social, I don't have many friends and I stay out of most things where ever I go. You are making things up.” It was a close friend from university who told me. He found it amusing. And offered to ask another friend of his who seems to belong to this'circle of insiders' who have enough time to wag their tongues about strangers. (= non-teaching staff of the 'history-corridor')

It was so unbelievable for me because I see my days at university as solitary and isolated. I don't interact much with others and have 3 or 4 friends, who I met during all those years. I like to keep to myself mostly. About what would they care to talk in regard to me?

Apparently I am feared … that sounds just ridiculous, every time I think about it But well, yes, I am scary, eerie even, quite weird as well, tend to discuss others into the ground, possess too much knowledge (in regard to my subjects – that's seemingly scary as well … ) and I have too positive relationships with my professors. And I have this special kind of 'aura' (whatever that means ...). Oh, and there is this thing with the men I talk about – apparently I have quite a lot of them, because normally the character traits I describe or talk about don't match each other, there have to be more than one. Maybe an ex and my current partner? Or am I cheating? Curious!

Honestly, I was flabbergasted Who the hell cares enough to spread this nonsense in their freetime? Maybe this is so astonishing because I would never think about doing something like that. Others don't wake my interest in that way. I don't have the time or energy to talk about someone I am not involved with. I don't notice them if they don't pique my interest. And the most curious thing to me is how they got the info about my partners … obviously I never talked to those people about it. Do they sit next to me, listen to my chatter with friends and spread what they understood or not? *sigh* so NOT my world.

Nothing to spend much time thinking about. But I found it kind of astonishing.

[rory]

I find that amusing, must be funny to find out. And you do seem SO scary here, too.

[Phy]

Do I? Poor me I can't make people comfortable around me, as it seems.

At least there is something I learned: Never assume that people wouldn't be interested in you just because a) you don't know them or b) you think that they don't know you

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Phy

Another topic to make up my mind about: Gossip.

I have been told that people talk about me.

Originally Posted by Phy

At least there is something I learned: Never assume that people wouldn't be interested in you just because a) you don't know them or b) you think that they don't know you

I had a similar revelation this past weekend. Someone at work, in just wanting some idle chit-chat on the job, said to me, "So, you also work at ____, don't you?" She was asking me about my freelance work. I answered her questions, blabbity-bla-bla, and then later it hit me. I have only met that woman a few times before in passing. That was the first time we worked together. I've discussed my freelance work with other co-workers, but not her. So that means people were talking about me.

This has been on my mind a lot lately. During that day we worked together, she asked me a zillion questions. Not just about my freelance work, but also things like, "So do you like your new schedule? What days off do you have? Did you want to go full-time? What kind of work did you do before? Where do you live? What kind of apartment do you live in?" O. M. G.

Didn't she notice that I wasn't asking her anything about herself? I am not the type to divulge all this stuff to people I work with.

She is very much like another co-worker who always asks me where I went for lunch and if I "had a nice lunch break." Hey, my lunch break is my personal time, why are you quizzing me about how I spend my personal time? Haven't you ever noticed that I don't ask you about your lunch break? Grrr.

She also weirdly remembers stuff -- ridiculous stuff -- from some innocuous comment I may have made, and then asks me about it again. The other day, she said to me, "Did you ever get your shoes fixed?" I looked at her with a dumb stare and said, "I don't even know what shoes you are talking about." She said, "You know, those shoes where the leather had ripped blablabla..." I was floored. It had been over a month when I commented on needing my shoes repaired, and I forgot all about it. But she didn't.

There are a few other co-workers who always ask me what I'm making for dinner when I go home. Geez, I don't fucking know yet! So, now, they are talking about me and my freelance work came up. Why? What do they care? I am not friends with these people and I definitely know I would not be hanging out with most of them if we hadn't met on the job. I am at work, focusing on my work. My time away from work has nothing to do with them.

My conclusion is that these people are extroverts who need social contact in order to engage their brains. I don't. I am an introvert. My workplace is an escape from my personal life. My brain is engaged with my job, the clients that come in, and my own private thoughts. I don't need to share what is going on in my head with people I work with. Being asked about my personal life at work, even if it's seemingly unimportant stuff like whether I brought my shoes to the shoemaker, what kind of apartment I live in, or where I went for lunch, feels INVASIVE. I want to scream sometimes, "Why do you care what my schedule is!!! Why should I tell you what I ate for lunch or what I am making for dinner tonight? Why can't you leave me alone???" But I can't. I have to smile and answer questions so they don't think I'm a complete bitch.

Being an introvert in a world that places high value on being sociable sucks sometimes.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by nycindie

My conclusion is that these people are extroverts who need social contact in order to engage their brains. I don't. I am an introvert. My workplace is an escape from my personal life. My brain is engaged with my job, the clients that come in, and my own private thoughts. I don't need to share what is going on in my head with people I work with. Being asked about my personal life at work, even if it's seemingly unimportant stuff like whether I brought my shoes to the shoemaker, what kind of apartment I live in, or where I went for lunch, feels INVASIVE. I want to scream sometimes, "Why do you care what my schedule is!!! Why should I tell you what I ate for lunch or what I am making for dinner tonight? Why can't you leave me alone???" But I can't. I have to smile and answer questions so they don't think I'm a complete bitch.

I swing both ways sometimes. Most the time, I'm an introvert, until I get comfortable with people - then it's hard to shut me up. However, I've had to work on my introvert tendencies as it can come across (and has at times) as being grumpy, snobbish, angry, etc. To those people that ask those questions, that's there way of letting you know you are valued (even if you don't see it that way) and they just want to be friendly. I tend to take it as a clue as to how they want to be treated.

If someone took the risk of revealing that they had been eavesdropping or talking with others about you, I would suspect that what they really want is to just be your friend.