Need Help with Son hitting puberty

[Helo]

Originally Posted by nondy2

Since people have written about have sex early - would some of you share your first experiences? In retrospect, did you handle the relationships well? Did you have any problems socially, being critized by others? Did you have any trouble with STDS or pregnancy? Did you tell your parents? Where they healthy relationships? It would be great to have insight. I didn't have sex until 1st or second year in college. I wouldn't say I had my first "successful" sexual relationship until 24, and even that wasn't so great!

My first experience was at 14 with a girlfriend. It was awkward as hell but I wouldn't say unpleasant, I was more nervous than anything. That relationship did not end well but I at least have an awareness as to why so those mistakes aren't repeated. Plus she and I are basically best friends now so its all worked out.

STD's and pregnancy have never been problems. Which I find amazing because for the 2 years of my first girlfriend and I being together, we were sexual for about a year and a half with no protection whatsoever other than good timing. Condoms just weren't available to us so we didn't use them. Somehow we avoided getting pregnant.

In retrospect, getting started early was one of if not the best decision I've made in my personal life. It enabled me to start exploring a pretty amazing world that I've gotten a lot of personal enrichment from. I couldn't imagine not knowing what I know now and missing out on the experiences I've had because I wanted to wait until adulthood or marriage.

For some reason I have yet to divine, the overwhelming majority of my sexual partners have been virgins and I've been the more experienced party. Its not intentional and I dont seek out sexually inexperienced people, but for some reason they tend to gravitate towards me.

[saintvlas22]

nondy2,

I think that what is most important is taking into account your own child. Obviously, as a parent, you should impart your own experience to your kid, but remember that your example worked for YOU, and won't necessarily work for your child. If they are mature, responsible, fully aware of the consequences, and ready - then have at it. Obviously, you don't want the explicit details, but there doesn't seem any harm.

I'm not a parent, but I can totally understand the confusion of giving permission and being permissive - like, where do you draw the line? How young is TOO young? No matter how mature they are, I'd shut down a 12 year old wanting to have sex in about 3 seconds flat. Does that make me repressive and constrained to societal standards? Maybe, but I'm pulling out the 'so long as you live under my roof' clause. And if my kid runs away from a loving home simply to get some nookie, then obviously they weren't as mature as they think.

I remember at my sister's school there was a 14 year old girl dating a 27 year old boy. Apparently, she got permission form her parents. To this day, the thought of that still makes me queasy. Maybe her parents saw their kid could handle it, or maybe there was something wrong with them, but that NAMBLA shit wouldn't go down in my house. Again, MY house - you can do whatever you want, and at best, I'll try to see it from both sides. Doesn't mean I have to agree though.

You can only do your best as a parent. Remember that you can't expect either your child or yourself to be perfect - you're both going to screw up, maybe even epically at times. So long as you're there for each other at the end of the day, that's what counts. Be there for the advice, the mistakes, the scares and the joys and no matter how much warning and planning you do, expect the unexpected because life loves to mess with you. Just make sure to love your child through it all.

[saintvlas22]

My first sexual encounter was at 19, through the wonders of online dating. Chatted up a boy who is now one of my best friends, and we were both virgins. It was oddly bureaucratic. I knew I was ready, and at that point, I had grown out of my fantasy of having sex with the one person who I'd eventually marry and be together forever. I just wanted to get out of the way my V-Card, and I felt I was compatible with my friend (and vice versa).

The internet really did come to the rescue again, as we well researched the intricacies or male-male lovin'. All the risks, pleasures, techniques - EVERYTHING. We had that part down pat, and the hardest thing for me was getting naked and letting go of myself to the physical nature of it. It started out kinda funny - like, where do you look?! And I was so stiff and uncomfortable with myself at first, almost robotic. But, we made it work, and though I was sore after, I was surprised it didn't hurt. In fact, it was pretty fantastic!

My way, I felt, was true to myself. It matches my analytical personality to bloody research how to do sex, and of course I would find a partner to do it with based on statistics and a percentage of compatibility. I'm glad it happened the way it did, and I have no problem with sex at a later time than most of my peers. I would have been a mess if I had had sex even a year earlier. It's like, around 19, a switch clicked in my head and 'SEX" turned on finally in my brain. Too soon, and I may have screwed up my natural process.

[BrigidsDaughter]

I was 15, just barely, as it was a couple of weeks after my birthday. It was with the boy I was dating at the time, we were both virgins. Honestly, I could have handled it better. I was horny and invited him over to my grandmother's house. It was snowing and he rode his bike all the way across town: 5-8 miles. By the time he got there, I was chickening out, afraid my grandmother would wake up an catch us, etc. He had trouble with the condom. I said I wasn't going to have sex w/o one, but let him guilt me into it because he'd ridden all that way in the snow. If I recall it wasn't very good, though it got better. Our relationship problems began when he decided he wanted to impress the popular crowd and told everyone in class. I came out from class one day to "whore" and "slut" in permanent marker on my locker. He wanted sex every time we saw each other (which was everyday at school), trying to get me to cut class to do it and convincing me to walk home from school instead of staying after for a club so we could go to the woods. I ended up being 2 hours late getting home - 2 hrs later than the late bus would have gotten me there. My parents were pissed that I'd walked home w/o calling. In the end, he got possessive and pushy, physically violent when I denied him sex (like after I had oral surgery on Valentine's Day) and I had to get a restraining order, after he started stalking me when we broke up.

So, yes I had problems with being criticized by my peers, at least initially, though some of that was caused by his social status (awkward special ed kid who transferred in from private school in High School) and his immaturity to know when and where it was appropriate to be sexual (not in school). I did not handle the abuse well and gave in when I shouldn't have because I grew up in a verbally and physically abusive household. So my fear response was give him whatever he wanted so he wouldn't be mad. We never had any STD or pregnancy issues. I never told my parents that we had sex, in part because my step-dd got angry after my very first boyfriend kissed my cheek a couple of years earlier and I didn't want him to physically hurt my boyfriend. I did tell them when the relationship had gotten septic, but only because I'd been slammed into a locker and choked out in school and skipped school the next day (first and only time) because he was watching for me to get off the bus when I got to school. We had to go to mediation and I got a no being within 10 ft of me restraining order, so parents had to get involved.

All of my relationships and sexual relationships after this went well. (Except for the one before Runic Wolf where my ex was afraid to have sex w/ me because he wasn't ready and dumped me rather than be honest).

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by nondy2

Since people have written about have sex early - would some of you share your first experiences? In retrospect, did you handle the relationships well? Did you have any problems socially, being critized by others? Did you have any trouble with STDS or pregnancy? Did you tell your parents? Where they healthy relationships? It would be great to have insight. I didn't have sex until 1st or second year in college. I wouldn't say I had my first "successful" sexual relationship until 24, and even that wasn't so great!

I lost my virginity 3 weeks before my 16th birthday. I was emotionally and physically ready for it, I'd given it a lot of thought, I knew it was going to happen "soon" but I hadn't planned on an exact date. The relationship lasted a year after that, which IMO is pretty good for any 16 year old. It was as healthy as any teenage relationship. It ended because we'd started fighting a lot. Basically we outgrew each other. But in terms of "successful sexual relationship" I would say we did have one.

Socially, no criticisms. I didn't go broadcasting it to the world, but it wasn't a secret either. My close friends knew. And that's how I knew that my friends were having sex, btw, to answer your other question. My friends and I did discuss sex. See, if you discuss sex, you can be relatively confient that they're doing it. If you don't discuss it, then you don't know whether they're doing it and not talking about it, or not doing it.

We used condoms and I was on the pill. Sometimes we didn't use a condom, and I'd get recurring yeast infections which I eventually figured out that I was getting from him. I had a couple late periods (100% normal for adolescent girls) and always was freaked out that I was pregnant, but never actually was.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by saintvlas22

I think that what is most important is taking into account your own child. Obviously, as a parent, you should impart your own experience to your kid, but remember that your example worked for YOU, and won't necessarily work for your child. If they are mature, responsible, fully aware of the consequences, and ready - then have at it. Obviously, you don't want the explicit details, but there doesn't seem any harm.

What it comes down to is this: Unless you chain your child to his bed, you have no way to guarantee he will listen to your advice about sex. You can do your best to impart your opinions and values on him, but at the end of the day, the decision is his.

So you have a choice to make: do you "forbid" it, and then if it turns out he's having sex anyway, he won't tell you? And if he gets a girl pregnant, he'll struggle with it on his own, with no support from his family? Never mind that he'll be more likely to get a girl pregnant if he doesn't have a reliable source of condoms. If he can't keep them in his bedside table because he's afraid you'll find them, he may just have sex without them if the opportunity arises.

Or do you tell him that you'd prefer he wait, but acknowledge that the final decision is his alone to make? That if he does decide to have it, that you'd prefer he tell you so you can guide and support him through it?

I agree that 10 or 12 is too young for most people to have sex. But you know what? It's not your body, and it's not your choice. Is it the right choice? Probably not. But that's their mistake to make. You can't teach a kid anything by shielding them from reality. Life comes with difficult choices and is full of mistakes.

My best friend's parents forbade her from having sex. Do you think that stopped her? No. And guess which one of us accidentally got pregnant at 16? And how much fun do you think it was for her to deal with the miscarriage when she wasn't even allowed to tell her dad that she'd had sex in the first place, never mind gotten pregnant and later miscarried?

The best way to keep your kids safe is to give them information, and then let them make their own choices. Support their choices and be there to support them when they fuck up.

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

What it comes down to is this: Unless you chain your child to his bed, you have no way to guarantee he will listen to your advice about sex. You can do your best to impart your opinions and values on him, but at the end of the day, the decision is his.

So you have a choice to make: do you "forbid" it, and then if it turns out he's having sex anyway, he won't tell you? And if he gets a girl pregnant, he'll struggle with it on his own, with no support from his family? Never mind that he'll be more likely to get a girl pregnant if he doesn't have a reliable source of condoms. If he can't keep them in his bedside table because he's afraid you'll find them, he may just have sex without them if the opportunity arises.

Or do you tell him that you'd prefer he wait, but acknowledge that the final decision is his alone to make? That if he does decide to have it, that you'd prefer he tell you so you can guide and support him through it?

I agree that 10 or 12 is too young for most people to have sex. But you know what? It's not your body, and it's not your choice. Is it the right choice? Probably not. But that's their mistake to make. You can't teach a kid anything by shielding them from reality. Life comes with difficult choices and is full of mistakes.

My best friend's parents forbade her from having sex. Do you think that stopped her? No. And guess which one of us accidentally got pregnant at 16? And how much fun do you think it was for her to deal with the miscarriage when she wasn't even allowed to tell her dad that she'd had sex in the first place, never mind gotten pregnant and later miscarried?

The best way to keep your kids safe is to give them information, and then let them make their own choices. Support their choices and be there to support them when they fuck up.

Wow, someone just used "there" and "their" correctly in the same sentence! Two out of three ain't bad. (i just used "ain't" correctly too. And "too". This is fun.)

[NovemberRain]

Originally Posted by nondy2

Since people have written about have sex early - would some of you share your first experiences? In retrospect, did you handle the relationships well? Did you have any problems socially, being critized by others? Did you have any trouble with STDS or pregnancy? Did you tell your parents? Where they healthy relationships? It would be great to have insight. I didn't have sex until 1st or second year in college. I wouldn't say I had my first "successful" sexual relationship until 24, and even that wasn't so great!

I was sexually abused over lots of years and by different people as a child, I'm a little touchy about what constitutes 'first.' I suspect that most of the 'problems' that followed were very much related to that. I also did not know that until I was 29.

Given that, I first chose to have sex with a boy when I was about 15 and some months. He was a very bad boy, smoked, got detention, probably spent time in juvy. His dad was dying of cancer, his mom was long gone (many years later he wrote me from prison). I knew he wanted to have sex with me and I had been resisting. I wore what I thought were my least sex-friendly clothes (hard to get into). He actually cried. I had sex with him, outdoors, on the back steps of a church. There was no latex whatsoever.

The next day, he brought me a rose, in the school office where I worked. His eyes got heavy and he was all, i dunno, NRE? with me. In that moment, I found power. Pathetic, but I remember thinking I pwned him. And I did.

Later, I found out he was telling people I wasn't a virgin because I didn't bleed. I realized that boys did not get told the same things girls were told in sex education class. I continue (37 years later) to be amazed at men's ignorance of female anatomy. I told him he wasn't the first thing to be up there (I'd had a gyn exam by then, and I used tampons) *duh*. It's not like he told the whole school. I was quite a slut, given the times; however, everyone knew me as the best little girl in the world, and they would have been shocked to know what a slut I was; and had anyone told them, they would not have believed the teller.

Also, after I'd 'given it up' I figured there wasn't much difference and I might as well enjoy it. At some point, I had sex with the boy who had been my boyfriend previously. Then I had my 'long-term' boyfriend. We had sex like rabbits. My parents knew, but never really explicitly discussed with me. At one point, I told my mom I wanted the car, so I could go to planned parenthood. She offered to take me, and I said I felt like I'd like to go alone. I was all convinced I was going to the pill, and they ended up convincing me to get diaphragm. Yeah, a few times with that, and I was right back for the pills. I was mostly excessively lucky that I never got pregnant. That was also before anyone knew about AIDS.

It was not a healthy relationship (any of those three), but my long-term was the healthiest possible, given our ages and our issues. Both of our parents were as supportive as they could be (given our ages and their (massive) issues). I look back on it with much more kindness than I had while I was in it.

We were masses of hormones, flailing in the darkness. I remember thinking then, I better do all the crazy shit I'm gonna do, because when I get old, I'm not gonna do this crazy shit.

[Helo]

Originally Posted by NovemberRain

I was sexually abused over lots of years and by different people as a child, I'm a little touchy about what constitutes 'first.' I suspect that most of the 'problems' that followed were very much related to that. I also did not know that until I was 29.

Given that, I first chose to have sex with a boy when I was about 15 and some months. He was a very bad boy, smoked, got detention, probably spent time in juvy. His dad was dying of cancer, his mom was long gone (many years later he wrote me from prison). I knew he wanted to have sex with me and I had been resisting. I wore what I thought were my least sex-friendly clothes (hard to get into). He actually cried. I had sex with him, outdoors, on the back steps of a church. There was no latex whatsoever.

The next day, he brought me a rose, in the school office where I worked. His eyes got heavy and he was all, i dunno, NRE? with me. In that moment, I found power. Pathetic, but I remember thinking I pwned him. And I did.

That was one of the most amazing things I've read in a very, very long time.

[nondy2]

Thank you guys! These stories make me realize that I was a very sexual teenager and wish I had access to a sexual relationship as a teen.

Not only was it my location and family, but society's insistence that crippled people (I have mild CP) are not sexual beings. It took me 40 years to get to the point where I was sexually empowered utterly and happy with my sexual body -- honestly with the help of some 28 year boys who love older women, and are much more cool about disability than older generations; Note: I've only been turned down on cupid (explicitly because of the CP) by men over 40 .

SCat- I respect your views, but I never knew what I would think about raising a child until I actually did it. For me, all the things I believed in theory went out the window when I began to deal with a real human boy.

That said, I think I'm misunderstood here. I don't forbid, am all for talk, and all that.

What is very interesting for me here is that I come off as a conservative parent on this forum, but to my knowledge I am so WAY far sexually liberal (and liberal in discussing gender, race, and disability) than any parent I know in real life. None of my boys friends parents discuss sex at all. I've never even met a parent who taught their kid what I disability is (unless it's in the family)