Boundaries / Rules to Open Relationship

[newtoday]

Originally Posted by PaperGrace

I'm with AnnabelMore. I don't understand why you are in a forum created to support multiple loving relationships asking how to set up your relationship in a way that specificially excludes polyamory. I'm here to support love regardless of relationship structure, not to figure out ways to protect against it. You're clear that you are not okay with her being in love with any one else. Your girlfriend keeps saying it's just sex. It's generous of others to contribute, but I'm confused.

And I'm with both Papergrace and AnnabelMore. This isn't poly, it's forced acceptance of an open relationship. That is obviously not something that you want and your set of rules are the means to regain some control over this life you hoped for with her. Yet she's not being too receptive to your thoughts or feelings.

I'm also with FigNewtonian......

Originally Posted by FigNewtonian

You deserve better. I'm sure you could find it. Run, dude, run.

Best of luck to you!

[corey]

Thought I would let everyone know I am still here and I am still with said significant other for the time being. We are still having ups and downs. I agree to the feeling that this isn't quite the same poly relationship I have been reading about. Im still working out how I feel about the situation, she claims she never did anything with said "FWB" but hard to believe someone to be out til 3am without doing anything. I still lack the confidence to decide what I want to do on my own.

[jerflan]

Hey Corey,

I am in a very similar situation to you. I had almost identical rules to you, and it ended up leading to a fair amount of resentment on both sides. I would be suspicious of his texts, his going out, staying out late, etc etc. Eventually he "broke" the rules--got drunk at a party I didn't go to, hooked up with a couple, didn't call me, and didn't come home until 4 AM. I was ready to end it right there. I was so hurt and confused and the situation only added onto the insecurities and jealousy I felt that were the cause of these "rules" in the first place.

As a temporary solution, we decided to close the relationship in hopes that it would improve our sex life, and we enlisted in some couple's counseling. We still aren't super sexually compatible, but it did bring us closer and give us time to sort out other issues once the "x" factor was removed.

However, after a few months, it became clear that this was indeed temporary. I like to play a little too, albeit not as much, and not with my friends, as my partner does, but I could see that keeping him on such a tight leash was going to be detrimental in the long run.

After some thought, I realized that this is really my issue. I have insecurities and am jealous that someone will take him from me. I trust him, but I don't trust the other people. I don't want to live like this, but I also want my partner to be happy. So I suggested we do a complete 180 and open it up without any of the rules from before. He went up to SF for the weekend, and I'm sitting at home stewing in my own jealousy, but I know he'll come home on Tuesday and am not worried about him leaving me for someone else. It's not perfect, and I'm sure we'll change the rules again soon enough, but the relationship is important enough to me that I will force myself to face these internal conflicts head on.

I'm not suggesting you do the same thing, but your situation sounds so creepily similar to mine that I thought you might glean something from it.

Best of luck to you!

~J

[GalaGirl]

What are some of the rules that everyone has with their relationships.

I already replied on your situation in your other thread. I still think she's not the right one for you and you are being had. But I'll share my rules.

1) Truth. Everyone on board on the same page. All in the open, all names and basic info things exchanged openly. Do not lie, do not assume. ASK when confused. TELL when confused. Do not cheat/skimp out on truth-ing and thus set me up and emotionally betray me. I'd have way more respect for you as my ex if you just hard truth it to me than lying or lying by omission on things that affect my health. I'd like to be good exes if/when that happens. Truth it. Just spit it OUT. If you do not find this fair, don't play with me.

2) I'm willing to work almost whatever else it is out. Here it is on 3 strikes you are out. You mess up once? Alright. We deal. 2nd time. We deal. 3rd time we deal. KEEP ON with that SAME thing? Goodbye. OUT. If you do not find this fair, don't play with me.

3) Basic health hygiene info is good enough to me -- names, sex screens, etc. This is REQUIRED. I don't need to know everything about your others. I'd try to be friends with your OSO but life being what it is, that's not a guarantee. So I'll be at least polite and friendly toward my metas. That I can try to do.

If you want to share more and they are ok, I'm ok. All respect privacy. I do not kiss an tell on my end without giving you a heads up. Don't kiss and tell on your end without giving me the heads up. Do not put me in the middle of things. I only get excited when there's something real to get excited about. Don't tell me extra if I don't need to be excited yet. I want to make my health choices fully informed, is all. If you do not find this fair, don't play with me.

I'm not sure that's the same agreement I'd use in later life but that served me well in my dating life in my 20's.

GalGirl

[alina]

Originally Posted by corey

AutumnalTone

Your responses to me feel very one-sided. I entered this relationship monogamously and she knew she wanted an open-relationship but didn't tell me. I only found out because she cheated on me with someone. That to me is unacceptable. However, I am willing to try this to make her happy, but also not be hurt in the process and still be respectful.

As for some of your other responses you are basically describing a different kind of relationship than we/I want. Im not looking for a relationship where Im just there to give her a place to live while she runs off screwing everyone or we have free roam.

From your responses I take it as though you are the type of person that simply wants to do whatever you want without restriction and consequence. She indicates she wants to have a primary relationship with me. Well a primary relationship whether it be monogamous or open should have boundaries.

I'm going through a similar situation only mine is worst because it is long distance. We started a monogamous relationship for seven months until he had to move to the states (we both lived in Puerto Rico, I still do) that's when everything got out in the open including the fact that we are in an open relationship which I was kind of forced to be in because he told me after he was with his so called "friend with benefits" which I considered cheating. i agree with you and I'm having the hardest time accepting this. Ultimately I think I do because I love him and haven"t been with anyone else, which as a monogamous find very hard to do if I'm in a relationship. Any advice is more than welcomed!

[nondy2]

I hope I'm not repeating anything anyone else said!

The way to ask someone to get tested for HIV or STD is to say during a regular conversation, O by the way, when is the last time you were tested? How did it work out? Have you slept with onyone since then? Sure, people LIE But I would not sleep with someone, or allow my husband to sleep with someone, who could not have this conversation. If anyone is too nervous or immature to talk openly about their status- It's a huge red flag.

I don't know how different my relationship is: I would say our only rule is being honest. We know everything. I complain/talk about my lovers to my husband and vice versa. But I would never pick or veto someone he could date... I feel like it isn't my business (although there are some exceptions as described above). We have separate bedrooms. We are both allowed to have people over when the other (and our child) isn't home. I encourage my husband to invite his girlfriend to spend the night when I'm out of town, and if our son is out of town, he'll stay with her. A primary element is our son as he doesn't know (exactly and we have to nogiatoe child care and chores). My husband has never met my current love and may never. My husband gf and I are not close but on good terms (she has dinner here every few weeks).
The only other rules we have is no sex parities for my husband. Because two of my friends were sex addicts, its too much for me to berar, although he does do s/mplay parties.

Other than that, it's nice, Kind of like best of bother worlds, we have our own space and activities and lovers, but we work domestically well together and our good friends. I do miss having an intense romantic partner, but that might not be in the cards for me. I also don't consider myself poly because I primarily want freedom!! Not two husbands!

[learninginTN]

Although W and I are still negotiating some of our rules, here is pretty much what we have so far:

1. We (meaning myself and the kids) always come first. Although this is a very vague statement, so far what we've meant it is we will always have more face time with her than her guy does, we'll always be considered first in case of scheduling conflicts, and the like.
2. No mixing of finances. This means no paying bills, buying expensive gifts, etc. for her guy.
3. No stays over 24 hours (although we're still negotiating this part).
4. Kids are not exposed to our lifestyle. They are not to know he is anything other than a good friend. No romantic gestures towards him while they're around, no having him over to our home while they're there and I'm not, and no referring to him as a boyfriend, lover, father-figure, etc.
5. We only expose our lifestyle to those people that we've all three agreed upon.
6. Any three of us are welcome to persue other relationships without getting consent of the others.