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  #51  
Old 01-11-2013, 06:55 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sorry to hear you are enduring break up UGH. 40 days sounds good and you sound like you are weathering it out in good ways. Hang in there!

GG
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  #52  
Old 01-11-2013, 04:18 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Sending you hugs. Sucks. What a horrid start to the year. xx
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  #53  
Old 01-11-2013, 05:23 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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NR,

I am so sorry. Sounded like it was a necessary step but still, sad.
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  #54  
Old 01-13-2013, 06:11 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Thanks, GG, IP, opalescent...
Much appreciation

My ex-boss's wife (who is also a former co-worker) invited me to lunch today. I suspect mostly because I told her about the breakup. Terribly interesting to me, in my head. She's very christian. For that, and work, I haven't divulged my polyness. I did, however, tell my ex-boss that I had gone to Vegas with FBF last March, and when I got back, he told me his wife was afraid I'd come back married.

But she feels the need to console me, and to check up on me, and to explain her life in her head to herself in terms of knowing what she knows about me. That's the weirdest part for me.

But
I've been choosing more options for socializing since the breakup. Because I really do like to socialize, and because I know I need it in order to stay sane. So I went, and it's very nice to have someone care, even if it's in a way that seems odd to me. It was a gorgeous day here. Frozen, but sunny and beautiful, and I was so glad to be outside. If she hadn't asked, I likely would have spent the entire day inside (not good).

So, she's reading a book about a christian woman who was seriously abused by her alcoholic first husband and she was applying lessons from that to her life and offering them to me for my life.

So, the things we talked about made me think, but not in the ways she intended. I didn't share with her, but feel compelled to note them here (as I tend to forget things I don't write).

She was asking me about my responsibility in the matter, and I think I've been pretty clear with myself on that. It very much annoys me that my bottom line is 'other women.' I don't believe (I'd like to not believe) that it's other women, per se. If he had negotiated with me about it, hey if he'd even spoken with me in any way whatsoever about it, I could have considered it, I possibly could have shared, I could have had a choice. But he didn't and I didn't.

And I've been over all that with myself before. The new territory is 'what is it about me that tolerates all that?'

And it occurs to me that it's not much different than going to lunch with her. She's a nice lady, really she is. She and her husband are the oddest pair of people I could possibly imagine. I know them separately, I worked with him, and then I worked with her, and now I work with him again. They are so very, very different. And completely crazy about each other. They love each other to bits. But the last time we had a meal, we went to the Deseret thrift store after. And she was freaked out about it. Because they're a cult doncha know. I can't really imagine having them over for dinner. Or even going out to dinner with them and a boyfriend. I mean, going out and all of us enjoying it.

I couldn't bring her to a poly meet up, I don't believe I could tell her about it. I'm certain she would fear for my immortal soul, or hers, and likely she would stop going to lunch with me (which might be good).

So why do I continue our distant-friend relationship? What is it about me, that appreciates the odd crumb of care from any passer by; as opposed to seeking out those who could be fiercely deep and loving friends in all honesty? Seems very related to why I end up with men who choose to leave me by seeking out other women without so much as talking to me about it. And why the hell is my bottom line 'other women' and my bottom line is NOT years of lukewarm to bad to abusive treatment?

I have therapy Friday morning (7 effin 45a.m.) and I'm so looking forward to it.

The only thing I could come up with today is that I really do believe 'I am my mother.' :P It's revolting.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #55  
Old 01-22-2013, 05:30 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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That blissful moment, when he has splayed open my body, and my very soul as far as they can go. He wants nothing, he needs nothing, he is just absolutely *there*. I tolerate it as long as I can, try to just take it in. Then I feel really small and vulnerable, and bury myself as far into him as I can get.

i love that boy to bits
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #56  
Old 01-29-2013, 09:28 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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So I chatted with him last night. We discussed many things, pretty trivial, and healthcare came up. He spoke about his plan b; and I said, well, if you didn't want to do that, you could marry me and get health benefits. He laughed, and muttered something about the lamest proposal ever. Which made me laugh more.

But since then, I think that I tend to forget what a massively romantic mushball he can be. He's not what anyone could call 'communicative.' He said something to me last weekend about 'when you think about it, the amount of information that actually needs to be communicated is very small.' Which is not how I see it at all, of course. That phrase was good for me though, and has been synchronistically re-inforced at me several times this week. (had an ex say a very similar thing, only much snottier)

But stuff like that makes me forget that he's a romantic. I may send flowers.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #57  
Old 01-31-2013, 05:54 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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This post is wonderful to read.

I hope that you are doing okay in general.
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  #58  
Old 01-31-2013, 06:27 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Thanks, IP.

I'm home sick today, and was yesterday too. :P It's very weird. I'm not so sick that I can't get out of bed, but I am clearly to sick to go to work.

I'm still wavery about the breakup. I'm mostly doing my no-contact by not thinking about it. Being careful to switch the radio station if a sad love song comes on. Not that I want to take up with him (CBF) again, but I do love him, and wish for his well-being. And thinking about what that means to my behaviour. I'm still pretty pissed at him.

I'm also socializing as much as I can. That's very nice. It's a very good way for me to love myself. Had coffee with the local poly women, celebrated a friend's birthday, saw the Hobbit with a friend's husband (because we didn't know anyone else who would go). Keeps me busy, but also, it makes me appreciate myself, and my not being with CBF.

I found some very old writings on my computer, among them, the stuff I wrote to FBF when I was in my no-contact with him (like 8 years ago). That was enlightening. It was about two or three months after our no contact ended, and I had written more. What I was grateful for, what I would always be grateful for, and a little of what I was still angry about. [When our intimate relationship began, I had asked him to sit with me on the day my mom died. He was absolutely amazing. If I never had another interaction with him, that alone will make me love him forever.]

FBF was very sweet last night on the phone. Called me darling at the end of the conversation. My greatest ambition is to continue to be okay with loving him in a way that's comfortable for *him*, instead of my crazy, clingy, norm.

While I would sort of like someone to physically comfort me while I'm sick; I really don't want to make anyone sick. And I feel really disgusting when I'm sick, and I don't really want a witness.

So yah, I do feel pretty okay in general.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #59  
Old 01-31-2013, 06:38 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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One more:
He said he was going to go kill some things in Skyrim and forget about the world for awhile. I told him to mind his knees.
He chuckled, and said 'clever girl, you know your memes'


I'm not a geek, but I'm a good geek-hag.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #60  
Old 01-31-2013, 07:22 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I'm not a geek, but I'm a good geek-hag.
I'm dying laughing! <3! Feel better!
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