Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-31-2013, 07:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,092

It's ok to ask for help with your emotional management. Don't worry about that. I see it is hard for you. Nobody is judging -- don't judge yourself for being human!

  • We buried the hatchet, made peace, like her and the kids and want to be friendly.
  • Hubby and I are not interested in anymore drama or lies being told.
  • We are not interested in a second or a serious gf relationship at this point.
  • We want to shut her out sexually and keep her at arms length.
I value the friendship we had.

I am so confused by the feelings I have been having:
  • Part of me is attracted to her.
  • Part of me (wants to be able to) love her as my friend but part of me wants to continue to hate her as a betraying ex. I am experiencing inner conflict and it feels yucky.
Sounds like you are still mourning the breaking up and all the drama that went with it. Could give yourselves time apart to heal first, before spending time together. Either physical time apart, psychological time apart, or both.


All this stuff...

  • I feel guilty that I still have feelings for this woman.
  • I feel guilty that I don't trust her intentions.
  • I also question if I even if I should.
... is the yuckies resulting from the inner conflict.

That could be speaking to needing closure from the break up and/or broken trust repair work that has not yet come to completion. Is she willing to try? Is she willing to become trustworthy again? Has she apologized? Have you forgiven? If you feel you are willing to risk trusting her again, are you giving her opportunity to make amends? And telling her exactly what has to happen (in her behavior) and holding her accountable?

Some of that could also speak to a judging inner voice. Do you engage in a lot of "should" talk in your head? Try changing it to "Could." See if that feels better.

All that you feel? Is appropriate sounding for the situation at hand. I think you could accept being human, having feelings, and let emotions just be what they are.

Sun is sun. Rain is rain. Emotion is emotion. Some are yummy to feel. Some are yucky. Do you best to let it just blow on through. Then once the storm clears, then you could pick up the pieces and make your next life choices. Weather happens.. Sometimes I have to go outside and clear up the patio from the rain crazy. It just IS.

Questions- Will those feelings that I had for her go away? How do I make them?
Which ones? You are not specific and which ones you want to go away and which ones you want to keep. See blue list above. Could you clarify which ones you want to let go of?

All your talking seems to lean toward "I want to be friends and lay this to rest." But maybe what is best for you is to let go of not just lovership with her but even friendship.

You are the one there, only you can answer. Is "wanting to be friends" -- that still the overall arching goal?

Will the hurt that I feel from her betrayal go away?
Yes. If you choose to not put yourself in situations with her where she can ding you again:
  • Either NOT trust her or tell her anything deep or close (ex: why are you telling her about your next crush woman? That is overshare with a friend who is not done repairing trust so you can be emotionally safe with her again. Here you are giving her emotional information. Why? )
  • Or rebuild trust to a point where you can share intimacies like that and her not ding you with them any more. (NOW you feel emotionally safe with her again. NOW you can start telling her emotional confidences as friend to friend.)

The approach depends on your want/goal for this relationship and where you want to take it. And if she shares the same goal for the relationship and willing to work with you toward that -- be it "friends only" or "part ways, be polite acquaintances" or whatever it is.

Will I ever be able to trust her?
Are you willing to do trust repair? Is she? It takes two to tango. Trust repair will not happen otherwise, and without that, you will not be able to trust again.

I know they say to forgive and forget but I am finding this difficult. Or is it really just cut and dry and I should just walk away from her.
I hate being a noob and having feelings
You are human, you have feelings. Could make peace with that.

It is difficult because you are not choosing to "talk the talk AND walk the walk" consistently. You are mix-matchy there still. Could choose do the behavior required to meet your goals with commitment to yourself and your best healths rather than all hodge podgey.

It is that simple. Pick what your goal is. What do you want? DECIDE. Then in your talk, thinks, and behaves? Align yourself toward that.

If the goal is to be friends but not lovers? See if she shares the same goal. (I would not want to be her lover. If you have buried the hatchet and made peace on that part, that's good. But don't open yourself to more of that lover betrayal stuff. Trying to have a friendship, not a lovership -- that is what is on your plate right now. Or how I read you desire/goal from previous post.)

Agree to have a "time out" to gather yourself back together post break up on your own with other people. Where you do not talk to each other or at least -- not in any deep way and not about the breaking up feelings. That's best shared with other "neutral" people. Your ex is not neutral people about a break up with that very ex!

Meet up once the freshness of the break up is past, and then be friends, doing only friend things. That means not talking to her about your attraction to her. Not getting into bed together. You KNOW what is friend appropriate and not friend appropriate behavior. Make a commitment to yourself to keep it there "in your talk and in your walk."

Guard against temptation to fuzz the boundaries, and call her into account if she does. Have her call you into account if you do.

Over time, you will find the "new normal" and can be friends with your ex and not have it be a THING.

But if you keep making be a THING because you are not clear in your goals, not clear in your talk, and not clear in your walk? You are creating "confusion suffering" for yourself that you don't need to tote around.

Could take it one day at a time -- this business of finding the "new normal" and could remember to lift up your goal to yourself and hold yourself accountable to that. Could make that commitment to yourself and see if you feel better in time.

You can do this. I believe in you. You believe in you too. Could straighten yourself out.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-31-2013 at 02:02 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 01-31-2013, 07:55 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

Originally Posted by evelinkfalls View Post

Questions- Will those feelings that I had for her go away?
How do I make them?
Will the hurt that I feel from her betrayl go away? Will I ever be able to trust her? I know they say to forgive and forget but I am finding this difficult. Or is it really just cut and dry and I should just walk away from her.
I hate being a noob and having feelings
I don't think anybody was irritated at all, just stating the obvious - it's not a good idea to keep hanging around with somebody who treated you like that, and we are confirming what your other friends and family said, that from here it doesn't look like sensible move.

The feelings you had for her are more likely to go away more quickly if you distance yourself from her for awhile, lots of people have 3 month no contact rules for exes before trying to be friends. If you really want to try to maintain a friendship, I'd do it out socially, draw clear boundaries, and don't invite her back to your place unless you want to move it back to dating.

Nobody says forgive and forget everything... you can forgive, because it's good for you, but forgetting that somebody is willing to give you STI's or break agreements isn't going to serve you that well. It seems you didn't actually sit down and talk all this through with her. If you are doubting if she really did these things, it means you didn't address it with her? There's no way to know if you can trust somebody if you don't even lay it all out on the line when there's a problem and sit down to talk about it openly.

For me it would be cut and dried, I'm not willing to have dramatic relationships or be lied to, or risk passing STI's onto my other partners because of somebodies deal breaking. There are lots of other amazing people out there to date.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:14 AM.