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Old 01-30-2013, 03:02 PM
polyhybrid polyhybrid is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Default Hey Guys From Florida

Howdy All,

We are a late thirties gay couple. We've been together for 4 years, committed and live together. A few months ago, we met a young guy that we were both interested in and did a couple of very small dates with him. Shortly after that, he decided he wasn't interested (I think he was just scamming for a place to stay).

But out of this, the more my partner and I talked with each other, the more we discovered the things we had been doing anyway and our feelings about them. I had been in a "Don't ask, don't tell" relationship for about a year several years ago, and my partner had been in a "threeways are okay as long as we're together" relationship also years ago.

For 2 out of the 4 years of our partnership, we figured out that both of us had been having tons of sex with random strangers and feeling guilty and trapped. We both love each other very much and decided we should just have an open relationship even though we didn't really know what that might mean to us.

I got the book The Ethical Slut and started reading immediately. My partner read the first bit and then just went about his life. About a month ago, I met someone that I'm developing feelings for. We all three had sex in the beginning and since then my partner and the other guy I'm seeing have an acquaintainship type of relationship where they communicate via facebook a little. We're all very open about what it going on.

Currently, while I feel fine about the relationships in my life, my partner has these short intense periods of insecurity where he's afraid I'm going to leave him. I feel totally committed to him and have absolutely no plans of going anywhere. If anything, as things progress with the new guy, I see all of us eventually living together, even though that might be in the distant future.

We both have continued to have lots of random sex also. When my partner gets upset, I'm not sure the best way to try to help reassure him. I bring him flowers, and cards and tell him how much I love him, but I get worried, anxious and upset when he gets insecure.
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Old 01-31-2013, 01:52 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,744

Hello polyhybrid,
Welcome to our forum.

It's a bit of a puzzle how to reassure your partner when he gets feeling insecure. Perhaps the uber-direct approach? i.e., having a sit-down with him and asking him straight-up what you can do to reassure him.

The one other thing that came to my mind is the book, The Five Love Languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate ... by Gary Chapman. It's not necessarily gay-friendly or poly-friendly per se, as it comes from a conservative viewpoint. But it's a pretty mild-mannered book, and it makes a good point: What "feels like love" to one person, isn't always what "feels like love" to another person. People speak in different "love languages."

The love languages Gary Chapman mentions are:
  1. Words of Affirmation.
  2. Quality Time.
  3. Receiving Gifts.
  4. Acts of Service.
  5. Physical Touch.
Perhaps there are other languages not mentioned in that list, who knows. The point is, maybe trying to pin down which love language your partner "speaks" would help. You might be speaking to him in the "Receiving Gifts" and "Words of Affirmation" languages, whereas he might need more "Quality Time" or "Physical Touch." Might be a helpful idea for you, might not ... but I thought I'd mention it just in case.

Keep working on communicating with each other, both the talking and the listening part. I think things will get easier for you eventually.

Glad to have you aboard.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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