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  #1  
Old 01-30-2013, 08:29 AM
Yumi Yumi is offline
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Has been awhile since I last posted. Summary: I am in a relationship with a male/P whom is poly and is married to a poly female/S. This last November P got into a new relationship with a poly female B, which has essentially turned into a dual primary relationship with S and B. There has been an adjustment period, and we've had our struggles which we have gotten over. For the time being. I had felt that he had not established healthy boundaries with his new girlfriend B, to where she was being allowed to effect my relationship with P, as well as his relationship with S. He finally realized this after me having to bring it up on multiple occasions. Specifically when P and I would have our date nights, B would be allowed to interrupt them by coming over and staying the night, or extending her stay if she was already at his house.

Basically he told me that she doesn't care whether or not she effects his other relationships, and if she wants to do something with him - she thinks she has full reign because they have a relationship.

She was in a triad and their family decided to split ways roughly two weeks ago, and so she will be moving into P and S's house this weekend.

The last two weeks or so, P has told me that I have been awesome - because S and B have been having dramatic moments.. and he is thankful that our relationship is good and comfortable.

Well, earlier tonight we were trying to work out a night this week to get together.. conflicting and busy schedules that we both have.

Then he asked me if I would help him/P and her/B move furniture - since I have a truck capable of moving furniture.

I am confused as to what to do and how to approach this situation. My initial reaction is a big NO, because I feel disrespected and slightly taken advantage of given my nature of always helping people when they need it. I don't feel positive feelings towards her/B at the moment, because she has not been respectful of P and I's time together, at the same time - P allowed her to do this by not establishing healthy boundaries with her. On the other hand, I feel expected to continue to be awesome, because I like helping people out - and by saying no - it would cause problems.

I also feel.. whether rational or not.. and probably purely from an emotional standpoint. He is too busy this week to make time for me, yet not too busy to ask me to help move his girlfriend's furniture.
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:09 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Interesting question.

Firstly, am I understanding this right? P was with S when you met him. Then P started seeing B too? Now P, S and B are in a primary V or triad, or some such?

Where do you fit into all of this? Are you P's secondary? Are you happy with where you are? Are you at all upset that B is moving in whilst you live apart from him? Or is that cool?

You're right - he allowed her to take advantage and have free reign. So often, we place all of the blame on the other woman, other partner, etc. It takes two to tango, for sure.

How has B been with you, aside from these issues? Is she polite to you? Is she friendly?

If she tried to assert her control, that speaks to me of insecurity. Insecurity is more difficult to become angry with than pure malicious behaviour. I don't know the details, but based on what you've said...

I say look at this as a clean slate. Think like a Chess player, not a Checkers player.

In checkers, you only really need to think about your immediate move. So, B has been a bit of a tool (so has P) - you don't feel like helping them. So you don't. Then, what happens down the road? Will things be frosty? Difficult for you?

In chess, you think about the steps ahead of the next step. If you do this one thing, this one time, you're paving the way to a more peaceful future path. Think of yourself. You want an easy life, right? Maybe - just maybe - B won't see you as a threat any more, because you've been willing to help her. If you have her contact details, you could even reach out to her and say "hey, P asked if I could help you move in, since I have a big truck. I'd love to help you out. Would you like that?" This way, your actions won't be misinterpreted - it won't look like you're helping out just to stake your claim or show your connection to P.

I'd word it to P like a 'one last chance' thing, if I were going to go ahead with helping. I'd say that I'm going to wipe the slate clean, but that I won't be a pushover. If there is any more upset, you will withdraw and be involved only with P. That's fair, in my opinion. And on the plus side, you'll be the one who took the upper hand, who proved to take the high ground. That makes you a better longterm partner. If that isn't appreciated in your current partnership, don't worry - someone else will definitely appreciate it.

However, is there more to it than that? This is why I asked whether you are happy with the situation. What else is going on that is making you feel neglected or unhappy?

It is quite plausible that P has a very busy week, if B is moving in. He'll probably have a lot of tidying up to do and loose ends to tie up. If they're working on primary/secondary and B's a primary, you're a secondary, it would stand to reason that she is going to be his priority this week. But, I don't know if that is the case, about your relationship hierarchy (if any)?
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  #3  
Old 01-30-2013, 04:57 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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If I were you, next time they're both in the same room with you (which won't be an issue since you say she's constantly vbutting in on your dates), just say the following right out of the blue with no warning:

"Look B, I'd love to help you out with my truck, but you need to help me out by letting P and me have our quality time without you."

After you say this line, wait for a response, and take it from there. You should be good to go.
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Old 01-30-2013, 05:11 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
If I were you, next time they're both in the same room with you (which won't be an issue since you say she's constantly vbutting in on your dates), just say the following right out of the blue with no warning:

"Look B, I'd love to help you out with my truck, but you need to help me out by letting P and me have our quality time without you."

After you say this line, wait for a response, and take it from there. You should be good to go.
I like that.

I say trust your gut, and do not agree to move them if it's not what you really want to do. CBF, 'helped' me move, although he did not want to; and that resulted in my bookcase 'falling' off the dolly in the parking lot. :P

If you're having mixed feelings, or very clear that you don't want to, and you do it anyway, it can lead to another reason to resent her. And you don't need that.

Good luck!
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Old 01-30-2013, 07:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Tell him it isn't something he should be asking of you - it is something she should be asking you.

Why is he playing the middleman?

So, if she does ask you, then you can respond to HER request as seems appropriate. See if she asks nicely or does she come off like she's entitled? If you have issues with her that need addressing before you would consider a request like that from her, then there is your opportunity to talk about it with her. This isn't his business, really, to ask you to help her. If she wants help from you she needs to be a grown-up. He should just figure that she's going to take care of it and offer what help he can, on his own behalf, but he doesn't get to volunteer you and your truck just because you're in a relationship with him, too. Sheesh, that would piss me off.

And remember, you don't have to if you don't want to. If you feel uncomfortable saying "no" you can always make up some mechanical problem to get out of it. I know that sounds slimy but sometimes we have to fib to protect ourselves when others try to take advantage of us.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-30-2013 at 07:22 PM.
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Old 01-30-2013, 07:53 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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It doesn't even have to be a fib about a mechanical problem. You already mentioned busy and conflicting schedules- can't you be busy at that time? It doesn't even have to be a lie- schedule some "me" time, read a book, or catch up with a friend. Just because you're in a relationship with him doesn't mean you have to be available to him all the time.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:06 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yumi View Post
I am confused as to what to do and how to approach this situation. My initial reaction is a big NO, because I feel disrespected and slightly taken advantage of given my nature of always helping people when they need it. I don't feel positive feelings towards her/B at the moment, because she has not been respectful of P and I's time together, at the same time - P allowed her to do this by not establishing healthy boundaries with her. On the other hand, I feel expected to continue to be awesome, because I like helping people out - and by saying no - it would cause problems.

I also feel.. whether rational or not.. and probably purely from an emotional standpoint. He is too busy this week to make time for me, yet not too busy to ask me to help move his girlfriend's furniture.
If saying no would cause problems, then...I'd say no, because it is what you'd like to say. If you always have it looming over your head that refusing something is going to be an issue, maybe getting it over with would be good. I don't know if you mean problems with P, or problems with B, but regardless, you don't want to be in a place where you don't draw good boundaries for YOURSELF. I'd also want to know how P treated me when I DID firmly enforce them.

Also moving is stressful. Once I helped a person move, not a close friend, who I was not wanting to spend time with, but felt obliged. Let's just say when you don't like somebody, and they start bossing you around about how to move their stuff...it can get ugly, especially if it's going to be an all day task...

Do you feel comfortable letting P borrow your truck perhaps? If he has good insurance?

Lots of people have good advice about the positives that could come from you going ahead and helping too. I'm sure you'll take the path that is right for you!
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:00 AM
Yumi Yumi is offline
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Sparklepop. Yes. P & S have been together for seven plus years, they have been poly for the last four years; as they were monogamous while trying to conceive their son. P and myself have been together for about a year and a half. Yes, I would call P, S, and B as being in a V, with P being the hinge. Also yes, I am P's secondary. Yes, I am happy with where I am at - it has taken a moment to get there. When they (P & B) first got together I did have feelings of jealousy and insecurity - because I saw that their relationship had quickly elevated to something roaming in a primary level - and it made me wonder why ours had never gotten to that point.. as well as 'oh hey, it is possible'. Which kind of led to trying to make our relationship more than what it was, and not accepting our relationship for what it is. My primaries are school and work, and so I don't have a lot of extra free time to spend on relationships, so ours works perfectly for that - other than the occasional headache of trying to coordinate schedules. Spontaneity can be rare. With that, I had not been been 'acting' poly that much, in terms of getting my needs met by more than one person.. so our relationship was strained for a minute due to the danger of me treating it like a pseud-monogamous one. However once I realized that I had not been accepting our relationship for what it is, I have felt much better - and we are in a better place.

For the most part I am okay with her moving in there, because I am much more of a lone wolf - I like my individual/me time.. and there are always people at that house. The main thing that I have concerns about is time management and healthy boundaries. When she first started exhibiting this behavior of interrupting and inserting herself into our time, and he allowing it. I flat out told him that I'm not going to compete - that isn't a type of relationship that I desire - to where I feel I need to compete with someone else.

B and myself don't see each other that often, or have had time to get to know each other. She is friendly and cordial to me, and I am the same way to her.

BoringGuy. I love that!


The problems I feel saying no would cause... is mostly between P and myself, for he would ask why I wouldn't want to. Then I would have to go into detail why. I want to be open with him about these things, however I know that he has been dealing with issues involving B for the most part this last week, and S a little bit. So part of me feels not wanting to add to the issues at the moment, and letting him have some head space to work it out, and not overwhelm.


I thank you all for your responses.

Last edited by Yumi; 02-01-2013 at 07:47 AM. Reason: Corrected triad with V.
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  #9  
Old 02-08-2013, 04:33 AM
Ythill Ythill is offline
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Or you could just tell P about this forum and share your username, which would avoid the need to explain.

Please never ever hesitate to say no to anything I ask of you, which includes explaining yourself before you are ready. <3

To the peanut gallery: the reason it was me who asked was because it was my idea and I was willing to do all the driving/hauling, I just don't own a truck. Also, the 1.5 of you who advised lying should probably stop giving people advice.
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Old 02-08-2013, 04:48 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ythill View Post

To the peanut gallery:
Please excuse us; we didn't realize you were having a private conversation. Carry on.
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