My desires don't fit boyfriend's boundries

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Polyamory is under the umbrella of open relationships. The others are

And here I'll disagree. Polyamory is one of the many things under the umbrella of nonmonogamy--which also includes open relationships. (And swinging and unethical nonmonogamy and so forth).

Polyamory involves romantic ties, whereas simply being open doesn't. Friends with benefits is an open relationship thing; multiple romantic partners is a polyamorous thing.

My wife and I are both open and polyamorous, for example. There are lots of folks who are open and not poly and many who are poly and not open (casual sex doesn't appeal to them).

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

And here I'll disagree. Polyamory is one of the many things under the umbrella of nonmonogamy--which also includes open relationships. (And swinging and unethical nonmonogamy and so forth).

Polyamory involves romantic ties, whereas simply being open doesn't. Friends with benefits is an open relationship thing; multiple romantic partners is a polyamorous thing.

My wife and I are both open and polyamorous, for example. There are lots of folks who are open and not poly and many who are poly and not open (casual sex doesn't appeal to them).

OK.

[SpoofyCups]

So I took some advice given here, and advanced the dialogue somewhat last night. I didn't mention that I had someone in mind. Baby steps!

I talked about what makes me uncomfortable about one night stands, and the reasons why I think doing this with someone I know already is actually less threatening to our relationship (I already know thier flaws and weaknesses and won't be as easily seduced by newness). I explained the various ways that I think this can make us a stronger couple who has lots more sex; I did my best to make it not just about me wanting to be slutty. It's not. That 'sperm competition" idea really appeals to me.

He was good, receptive, open. He said he doesn't want to stand in the way of new life experiences. He said all the right things.

But there was a sadness in his demeanor. I can tell he's not comfortable. As for his freedoms, he'd prefer to wait until I'm out of town. He clearly wants this stuff to be at a distance.

That sadness makes me feel really bad! What sorts of things can reassure a man of his importance and primacy in my life? How many ways can I describe that being open doesn't imply a deficiency between us?

[SpoofyCups]

I see that I put an apostrophe where it doesn't belong in my title for this thread. I hate that kinda thing. I can figure out how to fix it!

[Anneintherain]

Originally Posted by SpoofyCups

But there was a sadness in his demeanor. I can tell he's not comfortable. As for his freedoms, he'd prefer to wait until I'm out of town. He clearly wants this stuff to be at a distance.

That sadness makes me feel really bad! What sorts of things can reassure a man of his importance and primacy in my life? How many ways can I describe that being open doesn't imply a deficiency between us?

Don't think you can do anything about typos etc after 12 hours.

My advice is to keep going slow. You can reassure him of his importance by being a good partner, listening to what he says, keeping your agreements, and showing you are trustworthy. Always treat partners as well as you did when you first met them.

His feelings about wanting things to be at a distance may change, if he experiences having relationships with other people doesn't negatively impact you two, but he'll either come to that decision on his own or not. It's OK for him to be sad right now. Changes can be scary.

[SpoofyCups]

Thanks so much for your advice. This forum seems to be a safe, respectful environment to explore ideas new to me and unpopular with most people I know.

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by SpoofyCups

I see that I put an apostrophe where it doesn't belong in my title for this thread. I hate that kinda thing. I can figure out how to fix it!

I reported your post and asked the moderator to fix it.

[sparklepop]

Hi Spoofy,

I've read through your thread and I'm really glad that you spoke to your boyfriend about it a bit! I'm also glad that you seem to be veering away from any ideas about an emotional affair - that's different to general chit chat or advice-seeking/ranting with friends. An emotional affair is an emotional affair - it's still dishonest and it's not 'poly'. Step awaaaaay from the emotional affair

It is ok for your boyfriend to be sad. He will be scared and nervous. He'll have his own feelings to work through. Just like you needed to sit on your feelings until you'd processed them, he'll need to do the same.

This article is really useful for dealing with jealousy and insecurity. Pages 5 and 6 have some very useful pointers for if and when you actually start being actively poly:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Something that has also helped me is Sternberg's Love Theory:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

This *really* helped me to understand how my GF and I felt for each other and how new people weren't going to immediately be at that level.

Often, you just have to keep talking until something works. Patience is absolutely key. Be nurturing, make him feel safe. Make him feel that it is completely ok to feel how he feels - and it's completely ok to talk to you about it. Also, ask him what he needs from you. Have regular check-ins. My GF and her husband go out for a coffee, for about an hour or two, every two weeks, to literally say "could I have done anything differently recently? how are we getting on?" They've found that really useful. My GF and I don't do this, because we are both women: thus, always jabbering away to each other. Find what works for both of you, in terms of communicating this stuff

Now it kind of comes to crunch time. You've aired your thoughts. He was open. What now?

Could you arrange a time - say, two weeks from now - to discuss this further? Discussing further doesn't mean "you must give me the go ahead in two weeks" , but it gives you both time to ponder your needs.

During that conversation, you could lay out some guidelines. If GalaGirl (jumps up and waves arms around) is reading this, she outlines SMART agreements - she will do a much better job of this that I can!!

One thing that I've always struggled with in poly (especially earlier poly) is feeling like an audience member, watching all the chaos. My GF would just launch herself into situations quickly, she wouldn't pace herself. This caused me some anxiety and I swear that we could have done a better job of it. If you're willing to set timelines to keep re-evaluating, this might help to avoid that.

The good thing is that you are starting to know what you want now. You have to follow your gut and decide how important certain things are for you. When you do talk and you form some kind of new, trial agreement, make sure that neither of you leave that agreement without being equally happy. Does that make sense? If you talk in a couple of weeks and he says he needs three months to get his head around the idea, only agree to it if you cant. Do not embark upon any kind of affair during that time. Don't push the limits of the agreement. If you agree that you could start seeing this guy, set some guidelines on how that will realistically work (how often, etc?). If you set realistic guidelines and stick to them, this should show your boyfriend that you value him enough to stick to your agreements - therefore, that he is a priority in your life.

[GalaGirl]

But there was a sadness in his demeanor. I can tell he's not comfortable. As for his freedoms, he'd prefer to wait until I'm out of town. He clearly wants this stuff to be at a distance.

Could tell him you note his sadness. " I see you are sad."

Could ask him if he's at a place to talk about that or if he needs time to sit with it first on his own. "Do you want to talk about sad? Or do you need space before we talk?"

Could thank him for being open to conversation, and open to explore challenging things -- not just relationships with other people with you, but ideas, thoughts, feelings with you. "Thank you for talking to me. It is hard conversation, but I love you and appreciate you for going there with me rather than shutting me out. I love you."

That sadness makes me feel really bad!

Could sit with yourself and ask why seeing discomfort in your partner makes you feel "bad?" You are not doing anything here that is malicious. You are talking to him. Going to him with your shared vulnerable.

Are you not confident in your "ministry of presence" skills? Are you afraid you won't get what you want? Are you....? What's the "Bad" speaking to or speaking from?

What sorts of things can reassure a man of his importance and primacy in my life?

Both articles linked above are good things to think about.

Could choose to behave in ways that demonstrate he is important to you. Be considerate. Take his wants, needs, and limits into account. Hold him accountable in his behavior -- because if you didn't care about him you wouldn't give a flying finger about how he behaves. I don't know how he manages his upset but if he's doing self destructive things like bottling things up, drinking, I dunno what... call him on it. Hold him accountable, and resolve it/get help.

How many ways can I describe that being open doesn't imply a deficiency between us?

Could that be the wrong question? You say there is no deficiency between you? Ok. There is no deficiency. I will believe you. Let's say there are no deficiencies. So... it is there. NO deficiency. SO WHAT MAKES IT HARD FOR HIM TO BELIEVE / FEEL IT?

That's another layer there.

You could be saying "Here is garlic bread. Smell the garlic bread!" and you are asking "How many ways can I describe that there is garlic bread on the table to him?!" Maybe the question needing to be asked is "What makes it hard for him to smell?" YKWIM?

And to find the answer to that -- you have to be willing ask him and he has to be willing to figure it out with you.

Keep talking. Sort yourselves out.

My 2 cents,
Galagirl