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Old 01-13-2013, 09:21 PM
MrsG MrsG is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Default what a tangled web we weave....

First of all I'd like to thank you all for sharing your seemingly endless recourses, stories, and experiences. I spent most of the day yesterday curled up with my laptop and a cup of coffee clicking link after link after link.... I am so happy to have found this forum and share my story.

I am a 30 y/o straight female and have been married for 8 years to my 36 y/o straight husband. We have 2 young children together, a 5 and a 3 year old.

About a year and a half ago we met a couple and, as I'm sure many story's begin, things have never been the same....

We hit it off well and did a lot of double dating, movies, dinners, playdates for the kids (they have 2 as well 8 & 5 y/o's). Our schedules worked well with each other, her husband works late nights and mine traveled a lot. She and I were able to keep each other company either in person or via text conversations. When my husband was out of town I'd join their family for the day with my kids, and when he was here we'd all plan days together.

Then there was sushi night. A double date like any other. We had a wonderful dinner, great company, easy conversation and lots of sake. No one wanted the evening to end so we went back to their house. A couple bottles of wine later we found ourselves in the middle of a friendly game of "truth of dare" in their jacuzzi. They shared they had attempted a foursome in years past but had ended up with a girl/girl/guy threesome when their male guest accidentally overindulged and passed out. That night I had my first girl/girl kiss and she and I both had minimal interaction with each other's husbands.

This was very out of character for me, and I believe my husband was enjoying himself but very on guard since this was something we had never discussed or even contemplated. Our relationship with them remained the same for the most part, but there was now this sexual tension between us... I was very interested, my husband was not. He expressed clearly that he had no desire "share" me.

Our dates soon became more elaborate, little staycations. Both couples would arrange for sitters to stay the night with kids and we would have a night on the town. Nightclubs and hotel rooms became the norm, we'd either have a suite or rooms down the hall from each other so we could stay together. There was sexual interaction between she and I and one morning of heavy petting and making out with each other's spouses. Also a sexual exchange between she and my husband that ended badly when he thought I was with her husband in another room (which I was not).

We've since been navigating the waters of trying to maintain a platonic relationship with them, but it has never worked. We've all behaved on the physical front but the text messages fly and my relationship with them has deepened as a result of the time that I spend alone while my husband travels, they are my support system. A flirty, sexually charged, and very exciting support system!

In August I discovered my husband had been having an affair for over 3 years and things changed once again. I wish I could say I was floored, but I wasn't. The best way I can describe it is that I new without knowing, if that makes any sense. My immediate response was to turn to the male part of our couple friends and confide in him. I felt safe, loved, and taken care of. There was no threat to my relationship that I could see, his advice was always supportive of me staying and making it work, but also standing my ground. We became very close, the problem was we now had a secret. We were both hiding our communication with each other from our spouses.

My husband eventually found out and had to sit us down several times before we finally agreed to stop communicating. We both also sat with his wife and "confessed" to her. She was extremely understanding and I feel was more upset that he had hidden our communication and that I hadn't confided in her. We managed to work it out, all along continuing our social calendar together.

I have decided to continue my relationship with my husband. He is my life partner, the father of my children, my best friend, and someone I'm not willing to lose. I understand that he must have been lonely during his travels just like I was. He found comfort in the arms of another woman and I found comfort and distraction with this couple, and the more I think about it, several other things in the past.

This New Years day, my husband and I finally had "the talk." I expressed to him that this is something I truly want to pursue. We discussed our individual relationships, his with his now "ex", ours with the couple, his/mine with the couple, his/mine with both the male and female in the couple individually, and our own. In discussing this I realized that there were many similarities between his relationship with his "ex" and mine with the male in this couple. I had a moment of clarity. I offered a compromise... He can have her back (his "ex") if I can have them (my couple). Everything out in the open, honest, caring, and communicated. We approached them and they accepted, the "ex" also accepted... now, we are trying to figure things out. How do we actually do this?!

So I ask you. I know there is no one cookie cutter "right way" that works for everyone, but there has to be some general guidelines! I don't want to reinvent the wheel. In the couple weeks or so that this has been going on, we've encountered competitiveness, jealousy, insecurity, miscommunication, anger, and a lot of frustration!

As I sit typing this my husband is out of town visiting his girlfriend who text me last night to thank me for letting him visit. My boyfriend is contemplating coming over for a quick hi after his Costco run. His wife, my girlfriend is sitting home with her kids texting me about her insecurities about my husband being away with his girlfriend..... ugh, my head hurts!

I apologize in advance for the tangle, I tried to keep this as straight forward and concise as possible, just a lot of info to convey I guess.

Ok guys, where do I start?!
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Old 01-14-2013, 05:18 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Hi and welcome!

I don't have any advice to share, since I have never been in any kind of similar arrangement myself - but it does sound to me like you are all in pretty good shape. Of course it's confusing! This is a totally new situation for all of you, and there are no instruction manuals! I would hazard a guess that the jealousy and insecurties, etc. are coming to the fore because everything is now in the open. Prior to that, things were going on unspoken, so it was easier to hide those difficult feelings along with the attractions, and not let them rise to the surface.

I recommend doing some reading. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good one. You may also like Polyamory in the 21st Century by Deborah Anapol. And check out our Golden Nuggets forum here for other resources.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 01-14-2013, 03:07 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,957

Hi MrsG,
Welcome to our forum.

I'll share a few lists I keep handy that sometimes help "newbies to the lovestyle."

  1. Communicate; communicate; communicate.
  2. Total openness, honesty, and transparency.
  3. Careful empathy, respect, and objectivity.
  4. Wait on the knowledge and consent of all concerned.
  5. New relationships only when existing relationships are secure.
  6. New relationships only if they benefit existing relationships.
  7. Move at the pace of the slowest person.
Re: rules for your particular poly clan ... if you have rules, make sure everyone understands and agrees, and stick to them. Be ready and willing to renegotiate from time to time, but don't stray from whatever the rules are at the moment.

Asking permission ahead of time is a lot easier than having to beg for forgiveness after the fact.

Tons of talking ... and tons and tons of listening.

Take nothing for granted. Never assume something's obvious!

Brook no assumptions.

To "assume" ... is usually to make an "@$$- out of -u- and -me."

From Betty Baker (okay so I tweaked it):
  1. Polyamory is about loving multiple people.
  2. Self-sufficiency is an essential relationship skill.
  3. Remember that only you are responsible for your own happiness and mental health.
  4. Assuming malice is stupid and counterproductive.
  5. Don't panic (and don't panic about panicking).
  6. Don't try to change your partners' fundamental traits.
  7. Promote communication and nurture warmth.
  8. Impose consequences for lies and unsafe sexual practices, and follow through on them.
  9. Treat your crushes, partners, and metamors with respect and civility.
  10. Be tender and attentive to all of your lovers.
  11. When you're jealous and envious, acknowledge it; take some time out for you.
  12. Be good to yourself, and be nice to others.
See https://sites.google.com/site/polyadvicenurse/ for more.

Keep Franklin Veaux handy ... as well as Opening Up.

Beware ... beware ... beware of NRE!

Some general tips (these are native to both monogamy and polyamory):

Different people have different "love languages" ... e.g.
  1. Words of Affirmation.
  2. Quality Time.
  3. Receiving Gifts.
  4. Acts of Service.
  5. Physical Touch.
Watch out for "danger behaviors" ... e.g.
  1. Contempt (cold, insulting indifference).
  2. Defensiveness (angry, irrational reactions).
  3. Criticism (lectures, disapproval, etc.).
  4. Stonewalling (silence, avoidance, etc.).
Hope this helps.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 01-14-2013, 11:50 PM
MrsG MrsG is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3

thanks for the welcome and reference links, I look forward to learning and growing here
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Old 01-15-2013, 12:43 AM
SnC SnC is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 18

MrsG; challenges indeed

I echo what has been said above. The communication part especially times a million; you're embarking on new territory here, and it is going to take time to learn even the basics. Be honest and open.

I'd also like to add on a thought; have you met your husband's girlfriend? I realize such a meeting might be tension filled, but I think it would also help to smooth waters from many perspectives.

My wife has a boyfriend. I've met him on many occasions, and I consider him a friend. I wouldn't want him to be an anonymous person to me.
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Old 01-16-2013, 03:38 AM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 163

Just thought I'd say hi...

Communication is the most important thing.. I don't think you can talk to much at all.. Your situation sounds great.. good luck with it all..
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Old 01-28-2013, 06:45 AM
MrsG MrsG is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3

Well I'm glad you all feel we're in a good spot.... I have to say this little Quad of ours is exhausting!!!

I've discovered in the past couple weeks that I'm the hinge to this whole little group and MAN is it a lot of talking that goes on, and all through me apparently! I'm not complaining, but it's hard to advise 3 other people I care so much about regarding something I'm myself am trying to figure out...

Last week Saturday was the first night we officially swapped. Both couples traded partners and spent the night with each other in separate rooms, after enjoying dinner and a night out all together. The next week was a mess of emotions and jealousy and insecurity on all our parts, I think we all tried to throw in the towel at least once lol, but we held it together and I really am starting to think this might work.

My husband and I are tearing through "Opening Up" and she is starting it as well, I've told him (only half jokingly) that I won't have sex with him until he reads it. I think it will help tremendously. I thank everyone who recommended it.

Openness, honesty, and communication seem to be the order of the day. Wheew!
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Old 01-29-2013, 01:54 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,584

Wow. You've got a lot on your plates.

First of all, you seem quite sanguine your husband had a 3 year affair. Some people would be near suicidal to get that news. I guess you kinda knew, kinda didn't care? Oh well, he got lonely on the road. la di dah? And you say your female friend is insecure that your husband is off being intimate with his mistress/gf... do either of you now have trouble trusting him now you know he cheated for 3 years?

Secondly, embarking on polyamory is hard enough when people try to do a triad. That is, usually, a straight guy, his bi female partner and another bi female. And here you all are, 2 men, 2 women, women kissing each other, each woman sexual with 2 men, and the men are friends.

Add in, the "other woman" from out of town is now your husband's accepted girlfriend!

It is so much easier to "do poly" when a single, or 2 members of a couple, date whoever they like but don't try to share partners. But here you are.

Your husband's out of town ex-mistress might have always been jealous of you. Now she may be jealous of his newer gf as well.

Meanwhile you're back at the ranch, perhaps jealous of both your husband's gfs, and he's jealous of your bf, and the wife in your couple is jealous when her h shags you, and maybe you're jealous of both your gf and your husband when they shag each other!

Oh, are you and the wife of the couple having relations or are you sticking to being "straight" despite the kiss? Is she straight as well?

And then you've got a bunch of toddlers running around all through this confusion... Good luck!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)

Last edited by Magdlyn; 01-29-2013 at 01:58 AM.
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Old 01-29-2013, 02:22 AM
Delphinius Delphinius is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Great Northwet
Posts: 36

Best of luck to all of your Quad + 1! Sounds like a lot of love

My Other Husband has told me more than once: "Difficult things (situations) often reap the best rewards".
That seems to go with Dr. David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage where he said, "People often need to feel discomfort to grow/get better."

If that's true you all could be in for some really great times

Kevin T: Don't know if you'll get back on this thread? If you do, would you elaborate on ....beware NRE?
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Old 01-30-2013, 12:05 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,957

Heh ... NRE is "New Relationship Energy" ... It's basically what happens to you (emotionally) in the first stages after you and some new person fall in love. It's a euphoric experience. The whole world seems different. The Sun looks brighter. Colors are more vibrant. You feel like you want to shout to the world that you found this wonderful person you love, and they love you back!

The bad thing about NRE is it can blind you to your already-previously-existing relationship(s). It can cause you to neglect your "original partner" without realizing it. So during a spell of NRE, it's of utmost importance to shower your original/pre-existing partner with extra love and reassurance, as well as perhaps curb your enthusiasm a little when carrying on about the new person that you're in love with.

NRE can be a powerful catalyst for major changes in one's life. It's important to be really careful to make sure that the changes will be positive changes ... for all persons who are involved in the equation.

And that's why you got to beware of NRE. Hope that helps clear up any confusion.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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