Ideals vs. Realities

[doxical]

It sounds like a good thing Mahogany has you to help her through trying out this lifestyle. I'm sure we're all hopin' to hear you had a fun date with her.

Ya seem to have had a good experience with Willow and it's only the problems with Elemental that have kept yuo apart. If things are really done there and you don't see a way for you two to get back together, have you thought about introducing Mahogany to him? From what you have said, he was passionate but also checked in and made sure you were okay during your Shibari experience. Maybe his pacing would make him a good male fit for her?

[BaggagePatrol]

doxical: This totally has crossed my mind! I will ask Mahogany if there is any interest there. It wouldn't be the first time that I've done this; I tried to set Sunshine and Willow up due to the sheer amount of commonalities in their lives, but after a couple of dates it became clear it wasn't going anywhere.... hmmm.... food for thought!

Not sure if I want to talk about my date with Mahogany, or my disaster of a weekend getaway with Elemental. Both are probably equally entertaining from a reader's perspective, but I have a feeling that my weekend with Elemental will be the most therapeutic for me, so I'm going with that.... although I definitely will write about my date with Mahogany soon.

I'd booked us a nice hotel on hotwire right on the water, and had prebooked tickets for the show that night; a wicked multi-piece folksy band that caught my attention earlier in the year. Not my usual music style, and as Elemental makes fun of my addiction to "Electro Synth Pop" it was a band that I thought he would co-enjoy. The hotel was GORGEOUS! We checked in and stowed away all of our belongings, taking photos of the intense sun bouncing off the water and taking care not to drop our phones as there was just the window, some bars, and the water right below. Settled in, and dreaming of a bath in the glorious clawfoot bathtub later in the evening we turned on the electric fireplace and kicked off our boots to rest our feet on the ottoman (that looked like a bear, so cute!) and relaxed. Happy Hour was on, according to the woman at the bar, so we headed down for that.... and that's where I started making some serious errors in judgement.

I hadn't eaten much throughout the day - a banana, a granola bar and a couple of bites of a wrap that Elemental had. We ordered some appies, but truly there wasn't a lot of substance to them, and then made a super wise decision to have three martinis. Smart! Two, sure.. but three? Back to the room we were both a little tipsy, and drew a bath to soak in. It was pretty nice, and soon we were getting dressed and heading downstairs to get a cab. Got to the club, the chill of the night and bustle of the lineup bringing this great sense of anticipation up in me. Feeling like we were doing something out of the ordinary, just the two of us, and it felt really, really good. Loved the feeling of the leather on his jacket in the crook of my arm, talking and smooching him, excited for the evening.

Inside, we made our way to the bar. A strongbow for him, and for me? The wise decision to get a gin and tonic. Unfortunately for me, the bartender put about five drops of tonic in it, and the rest gin. But! It's a bar, it's dancing, it's a concert. The opening band was cute, and was followed up by some pretty stellar music. I know! How about ANOTHER gin & tonic. Uh oh. Same bartender, and his and I's new found friendship meant that he was on a mission to get me silly-drunk. Dancing, grinning at the cute hippie girls in the audience, chatting people up in the bathroom lineups, I don't think that I realized that I was pretty much shitfaced until I bailed on a little step... hard. Some nice girl helped me up, and I started power drinking water, but the damage was already done. No food, too much booze, WAY too much booze, and I was feeling pretty sloppy.

The show finished up on a high note, and I was chatty as fuck. Definitely hit on two girls but they took it in stride and were grinning away, and then we were out in the cool night air. That was good for me, but the aftershave on the cabbie was not. I say cabbie, but what I mean was the dude that was driving around giving people rides illegally. Was half worried he was going to drive us into an alley and rob us, but trusted E's judgement of things (they'd chatted for a bit) and gave him a $20 for the ride. Back to the hotel room, and that's where things got stupid. And by things.... I mean me.

Well, nothing says a romantic holiday like a shitfaced wife who wants to talk about your relationship for the rest of the night, bawling and even taking off at one point to try and find some food. I haven't been that drunk in a decade. Have been that drunk three times in my life.... but have never understood why people talk about not remembering things, because I remember everything. And looking back I feel like quite the asshole. Gah. Ugh. How shitty was I? Pretty shitty. Feeling humble and awful right now. Karma came for me the next morning in the form of a hangover of massive proportions. You know what the best remedy for a hangover ISN'T? A three hour road trip - I get carsick pretty often, and I was FUCKED on the drive home. Classy barfed out the side of the vehicle. Twice. Could've died of shame, let me tell you - I just don't do things like that, and it was quite a wake up call for me. Elemental, bless his soul, was super sweet to me, as last year around this time he got even MORE drunk than this, and remembered all too well how horrible it was.

It's been an interesting 24 hours for me. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with Elemental, and the nature of our connection and our pretty regular disagreements. I think I've come to some solid realizations that I am on guard with him; that there is something inside of me that fundamentally doesn't trust his commitment to me. Maybe it's abandonment issues from having some pretty serious relationships not work out. Maybe because I feel as though he has always guarded a part of his heart from me me. Maybe I'm judgemental and difficult as a partner on a fundamental level. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things. It seems as though I am always ready for a battle with him, and while I know that it's in part because he is a confrontational and aggressive person and I am responding to that, I also have to have a hard look at who I am in relationship with him. Acting from a place of fear isn't something that I want to do in my life, but I am really starting to realize that I have been internalizing that with him. The trauma of his aggression and anxiety problems in the early phases of our relationship, his challenges around reflective listening, and his naturally adversarial approach to life has all resulted in me being so flinchy with him - things with Sync, that disrespect and boundary overstepping was just further evidence that my internal judge and jury collected that Elemental doesn't REALLY love and respect me. But here's what I think is the big joke.

He does. He does really love and respect me, but I can't seem to fucking relax with him. Have trust issues with him. Feel like I need to be on guard with him. Am ready to scrap with him. Question our basic compatibility because of these things.... after SIX YEARS. As though that's not enough proof, the fact that we have committed our lives together. And you know what I'm afraid of? I'm afraid that me being so crazy about all of it will result in it all coming true. The maker of my own fears.... come true....

I asked him for a lot of reassurance when I was all drunky pants. About his love, about his commitment to me. And you know what? He couldn't give it to me. Couldn't just look his silly-drunk-wife in the face and put my heart at ease, say the right words, and allow me to turn into the bawly baby that I needed to be. To just have him soothe my wounded heart and take care of that part of me that is scared. Scared that we pushed our relationship too far, that I have lost something inside of myself, or him that we can never come back for. He threw his love for Sync at me like a dagger last week and it fuckin' stung so hard. I asked if a love that could make him want to hurt me like that IS love, or if it is a sickness. Because the love I felt for Willow? For Lily? I would never have used it against him, or to hurt him. He tells me that it's because I have a "Stronger moral compass" and "More integrity" than him. He says that regrets the choices that he made, hurting me, but part of me wonders if his regrets aren't just bound up in the fact that he lost Sync in the midst of it all, and that if he'd done things differently I wouldn't be so adamant about her never having a place in our life again. I don't know. That part that needs that kind of reassurance, the kind of things that I need to hear are things that he seems fundamentally opposed to saying to me.

It was intense. Not how I thought our weekend was going to go at all.

In the aftermath of it all, I just feel lost. I know that I need a shift inside of Elemental, but perhaps most importantly I know I need a shift inside of myself if there is going to be a longterm peaceful way forward. The elephant in the room has been announced by my drunky-pants-self, and while I'm glad that I said it, I'm scared of what it will mean for us.

Nobody can hug this one out with me. I don't know where we're headed from here, I just know that more shifting and changing needs to be done if our relationship is going to fully recover from this year. There are no band-aids, only time and compromise, and I need to KNOW that Elemental is committed to that. I don't know why he tests me so hard - I don't know why I test him so hard. The inner workings of people's relationships are so private and strange, and there's no telling if other people have problems like this, or experience them in such intense ways. I just know how scared I am right now, and don't know ultimately what that will mean.

[BaggagePatrol]

I pull up and you are getting something out of your minivan. Startled by my arrival, you look equally puzzled that Elemental is dropping me off (he had planned on going to the city for the night) but greet me with a hug, a bottle of wine in each fist as you embrace me. Your breath crystalizes like smoke in the winter air, your quick step asks me to fall in line and we trot to your front door like a couple of nervous horses. You open the door, the already familiar squeak of protest as we try to keep quiet; your babies are sleeping upstairs, afterall.

Into the kitchen, I find my familiar perch - up on the counter, and you are taking the wine I brought you in a poncy pink, black and white checked cloth bag with pearl handles from me. Seemed to suit your vaguely Jackie-O vibe you have going on at times. You exclaim over the wine; rarely treat yourself, it would seem, and the glug, glug of it hitting your mismatched wine glasses fills the silence.

Our first date? Or is it? Seven months later, and here we are, in your kitchen, both of our husbands aware of the context of our evening. You have lit a dozen candles and your house glows, a salad of wild greens and thick cut cremini mushrooms on the counter next to me. You talk rapidly, your sensual mouth rounding and stretching to tell me stories, ideas, happenings and jokes. Your hair has suddenly grown long, great swathes of it on your shoulders, layers cupping your ballerina jawbones and framing your wide open eyes. You are beautiful, and have that strange mix of knowing it, but taking it for granted enough that you forget it, and slide into your elegance like silk on skin. You cut steak, and make the observation that you seem to cook me red meat a lot; carnal and rich... makes sense to me. Our relationship seems to be mired in senses, rather than in the physical.

You cook, I sip, we talk and you tell me of your thoughts on Sync. It fascinates me - you have never really spoken about her outside of warning me of her presence in our marriage, and you have my full attention. You observe how she seems to really like dating other people's husbands. She is friends with the wife of the professor that Sync continues to sleep with (despite telling me that he was boring, pedantic, stiff, pretentious and bad in bed) and has come to the conclusion that it is just a little sad that she can't seem to manage a relationship of her own. I feel sad thinking about it, and speak to some of the hurt and upset that is still in my heart from that time in E & I's lives. I put on music from my rdio account on their ancient computer, hearing the whirr of an overtaxed fan and marvelling at the oldskool monitor that could shatter a storefront with one well aimed toss.

We eat at the table, and we are all smiles. Nerves. You are so beautiful. I'm allowed to touch you. But I don't. Too much conditioning? Too much holding back? I can't thrust physicality on you like a stranger when we are such good friends already - but you don't feel like my friend. It is an odd mix. I have never been on a proper date with a woman on my own like this before, and for some reason it makes me feel both masculine and feminine all at the same time. My sex is swollen between my legs; there is no denying the overwhelming attraction that exists for you inside of me, but I sip, savour the juxtaposition of the rich meat and fresh greens, the soft give of the mushrooms between my hard, white teeth.

Dinner is done, and like a good farmgirl I clear the table and give a quarter-hearted attempt at tidying up. You have moved to the couch, and I follow suit. We have footrubs on the menu, and both deliver. I've worn maroon leggings and a floral dress in browns, peaches and taupes, three quarter length sleeves. You're in jeans with careless tears in them filled with swatches of chainmail and a linen tanktop. Rubbing feet, talking about relationships, sex, your take on poly thus far, your family, your post partum depression. I touch the arches of your feet, your toes and your calf muscles, kneading and sliding my hands around the curves of your form. You are alight and laughing, alive and beautiful. I don't need more than this, and sink into the simplicity of two friends on a couch, of the unspoken desire that needs no rushing, no attention to exist. It just is.

Your husband comes home, and we move apart on the couch, but it isn't guilty this time. I have a quiet sense of everything being okay inside of me. I pour him a glass of wine and we talk for awhile in a group before he drives me home. I slipped up and call you baby once, but with a PhD in mathematics, I'm sure he had done his homework before then.

Home to Elemental, he teased me a little but with a twinkle in his eye. He likes to tease me because there is a beast in me that wants to strap on and go wild with her, but I act as though I'm taming a wild doe in the woods. And that's okay. I have gone fast in the past and it has crashed and burned.

Instead of trying to make my ideals a reality, I think I am better off making my reality the ideal.

[Anneintherain]

So sorry about the over-drinking...yes there isn't much worse than drunk wanting to talk about relationships, I'm surprised Adam has put up tolerantly with that from me a few times.

I have no wise insightful advice. I wonder if Elemental has been able to give you that reassurance you are looking for at other times and you're just reading extra into the fact that this time he didn't? I wonder if you've talked to a counselor separately or together to try to break your fears and worries down into workable discussion subjects. I wonder if reading and practicing some of the techniques for healthy arguing or non violet conversation or something of that nature would be useful to change the dynamic when it comes to responding to his "confrontational and aggressive personality" so you don't get caught up in regrettable patterns and can stop that cycle.

Thinking good thoughts for you.

[BaggagePatrol]

Anne: We are so on the same page. I called my counsellor a couple of hours ago to make an appointment, and also booked myself some Reiki. Going to up my workouts as well - I do basic strength training every day, but have slacked on the cardio and it really irons out my stress. The biggest thing that I can do is to not rise to the occasion and bring peace to our relationship on a daily basis. From me. From inside. I think this is something that I have seriously neglected over the past couple of years.

I was so not anticipating what happened over the last week. Good lord, my life. Someone slap me with a trout, please.

So last Wednesday, I was working at one of my businesses, giving my staff their monthly mid week day off. It's a little bonus for them - more free time, and it's a way of equitably sharing a need to cut some hours that I came across last year. There I was, doing my thing, when it hit me like a fucking ton of bricks. I just knew. The reason that Elemental couldn't reassure me? Because he was fostering a connection with someone else. It's his pattern. When relationships get difficult, foster another connection instead of working on the problems... and then? Leave. And who else could that connection be, but with Sync?

I msged him and asked him, and yes. It was true. He had been secretly communicating with her behind my back for well over a month. At first I was blasted with a shitload of really uncomfortable emotions. I called Mahogany and she raced over in her minivan and whisked me away from being alone. We drove around and talked, a lot. We went to my house and I packed some bags. I was so fucking crushed and upset. AGAIN! More lies! More boundary transgressions. More sneaking. More lying. And all fucking centred around Sync again. Feeling like an IDIOT for trying again with her, wishing I had just let things die instead of banging my head against that wall of sheer incompatibility. I thought we were done in the fall. Thought it was over. Thought we were moving forward. WORST! My bags stowed in my car at my business, I sat in the driver's seat, breathing in the quiet of my car, the rain pounding down.

It was that moment.

That moment where you decide whether or not you're going to fight, or take flight.

I knew that if I left, I was not going to come back, and I needed to find peace around that. I couldn't. I still care. I still love him. I still want to be with him.

And so I made a choice. I chose to be calm. I chose to be loving. I chose to be accepting, supportive and forgiving, to both of us. I mean, really? I set us up for this. By suggesting we open our lives, by exploring the ideals of living a life long term as a triad, by bringing Sync back into our lives over and over again. And he fell in love. Yes, it was the wrong dynamic for all of us, it wasn't healthy, it boiled down to incompatibility, immaturity, etc. etc. etc.... but I was a part of that, and I couldn't sit in judgement of E and leave him when I had co-created the situation.

And my anger! Fuck my stupid anger and defensiveness, wrenching us apart and making things worse. Enough! Not going to do it this time!

We talked on the phone. I was calm. I told him I loved him, that I wanted to work things out, and find a newer, more honest, more peaceful way of being. That I felt like in many ways I had been a shitty wife to him in the past year, and that it was time for both of us to make some changes. The next few days were a lot of dialogue. No fighting. No big drama. No yelling. Just quiet talks. I drove home, and we talked, and it was good. Better than it had been in a very, very long time; no drama, no upset, no fighting, just quiet communication. Honest communication. It felt amazing, and I felt like an IDIOT because truly? At any time I could have stopped engaging with him in that way and just refused to fight, to escalate.

I'm not saying that I questions whether what Elemental did was wrong or not. It was. Absolutely. And I gave Sync a real piece of my mind via text. Respectful, but very, very clear. The truth of her deceit was enough for me; it answered any last questions that I had about her as a person/secondary partner, and her intentions with Elemental and I. I was just completely done being angry about it.

In the beginning I was speaking from a place of wanting him to oust Sync from his life once and for all - like it was inevitable. After talks with my poly mentor, I realized that I had to allow Elemental to make whatever choice was right for him, and then make the choice that was right for me once I had that answer, in that order, not the other one. That in order to give him no chance but to be anything but honest, that I would have a genuine answer, and a genuine relationship. Anything else would be a power struggle, and wouldn't end in honesty. Fuck I love A., what a good friend he has been to me (my sister's partner).

Well, that was one of the toughest days of my life, the day that I knew that he was going to give me my answer. Yesterday. Woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep. Made peace inside of myself that I could carry forward no matter what he decided. In my heart, I knew that if he wanted to pursue her again that I didn't think that I could keep going with him, but I was brave as a motherfucker, and stood up tall and proud, ready for whatever answer he gave me. Kissed him goodbye, knowing that it might be the last day that he was my husband. My eye is still twitching from the stress of it, my muscles aching from being rigid and shaking all day. I thought I was cold, and after having the heater on me for almost half an hour, realized it was nerves. Shitty digestion, just a total wreck. Vulnerability. It's a strength, and I gots muscles.

He thought about it. Thought about what he wanted for days. We talked, we negotiated, we were just honest and open and didn't get worked up. And you know what he chose? He chose to leave her behind. In truth I feel that he chose to leave that part of himself behind. He talked to her on the phone, and found closure with her, and called me afterwards. He has assured me that Sync is a part of his past, and that he is going to move forward, that he is committed to me, and our love, and our life. And I believe him. To be clear: if he lies to me again about Sync then he is a complete and utter asshole, and I could never stay married to him in good faith. That kinda goes without saying, but that's not what this blog is about, really.

My trust has been rocked 360 degrees this year, and I am emotionally exhausted. We have tested each other to the very brink of our souls, I believe. I just don't have any more fight left in me. It has to get easier, and it has to get easier now..... Right? I am right, and I know that because the answers to this largely lie inside of me.

I have booked counselling for me, and a Reiki session for this week as well. Just concentrating on being gentle with myself, and with Elemental, and centering inside of my own self. I love Elemental like I have never loved another human being in my life, and I realize that I have been cheating both of us by not being truly vulnerable to him. By fighting with him, I have created an atmosphere where he doesn't feel safe telling me his heart, or really talking things through with me, and that is my bad. I feel so incredibly humbled by this last week, and stronger than I have in a very long time in some ways, while being very, very tired in others.

I am always amazed by human resilience. By our ability to consciously choose what we create in our lives, and the love that we are able to carry in the midst of total and utter chaos. I am so fucking proud of myself that I could cry right now - proud of my intuition, for following my gut with knowing that it was the moment to make a change inside of myself, and for being a solid, loyal wife in the face of total and utter bullshit. I feel like I can see right inside of Elemental, all the way into his soul, and there is nothing that I see without love anymore. All of that hostility and upset continues to shed off of me like layers of dead skin. Been carrying around a bullshit attitude for a long time, and I'm done with it.

[Phy]

Oh dear, how I know this situation (more or less of course, ours was different but in the same context). Sorry that you went through it and I am glad that you found your way. I know that this means a new starting point for the both of you and I hope that it will make you stronger (personally and as a couple). We went through this as well a long time ago and it brought us insight, understanding and closeness in the long run. Wishing you strength and patience for the weeks to come.

[Magdlyn]

Yikes. You're being very Zen about all this.

What is E telling you by wanting Sync so bad he's willing to go behind your back to be with her, talk to her, time and time again, month after month? Maybe they are more suited-- broken and damaged people that see themselves in each other...

I say this from experience from when I opened my marriage with my (now ex) husband. He just couldnt give up his gf, even though he'd given me veto power and I had used it.

I carried on another 10 years, loving him, trying everything to reach him. Couldn't do it. They continued to communicate and meet on the sly. I gave him the heave-ho and never looked back. Free at last. He was a broken man when I called it quits. I guess he wanted his cake (me in his bed, and making him food, doing his laundry, and walking his dog, etc) and to eat it too (woo woo soul mate romance with her).

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol

And so I made a choice. I chose to be calm. I chose to be loving. I chose to be accepting, supportive and forgiving, to both of us.

I understand this, I've gone through something similar recently. While trying to figure out if I could continue to live with all the lies and deception I asked myself if I would have done anything differently if I'd known the truth, and this time the answer was NO. So, I just accepted the fact that he will continue to lie to me and try and hide stuff (he can't seem to help himself-I've even seen him do it to others, it's sad), but as long as it doesn't "change MY reality", I can be okay with it. I was amazed at how calmly I could deal with the situation once making that decision.

It's sad, that I can never completely trust what he tells me, but knowing to be skeptical is better than completely trusting and being blindsided by the truth later. My episodes of depression have lessened and since I could hit near suicidal moments, this is a big deal and I'm overall much calmer. I think the calm admission that I'm sad over his inability to just be honest (when it comes up) creeps him out, mostly because it's so out of character for me.

Hugs and Good Luck! I hope the counceling can help.

[doxical]

Jeeze, ya sure have been through lots. hope this guy realizes what you do for him. reading back just recently, youv'e put aside what sounded like good love with Lilly and Willow, and now something inside yourself but he has not seemed to change much for you and lied about the change he did make. How far back in his life does that go? i think some personality traits like can be like alcoholism. You can't heal unless you want that change iinside you for you. You can't do it for someone else and it can be a lifelong battle every day not to relapse. i know too well maybe.

Being new and reading blogs from beginning to end that span long periods of time is revealing. things repeat that you dont see when you live them day to day. As an excercise, go back and read your blog from the beginning... some theme s like deceit, getting caught and saying your working on it now and things will change, then going through it all again a few weeks later come up. i hope this time the change comes from inside and isnt just lipservice to your ultimatum that may end in resentment. theres good things too and you seem to find a lot of love in your life when youre able to accept it.

Been threw a few times when i loved someone but there were a couple of big issues that didn't work out. Sometimes one or both of us could adapt and it was okay, but there were a couple where it tore our souls apart trying to fit together something that was so so close but in the end just not right.

[AnnabelMore]

Good call with the intuition. Take good care of yourself. I'm not even going to speak to E's choices, because it would just be a lot of harshness, and if you've chosen to forgive him and move forward then there won't be anything helpful in those kinds of words.