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  #31  
Old 01-28-2013, 03:32 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I understand your desire not to have your young son consume porn. And it is a great sign that he can talk to you about seeing porn. I never had that comfortable a relationship about sex with my parents. That is awesome.

However, as I'm sure you know, if your son has alone time and an internet connection, it is going to be near impossible to prevent him from watching porn. You can limit or control what he buys but there is so much free porn out there that is accessible just by lying about age. Paying for porn is a bit outdated actually. I'm not saying your son will lie - just that it is super easy to access for anyone with internet.

So, given how accessible porn is, this is what I personally wish parents would do. Give your son the tools to understand what he is seeing. Mainstream porn is wildly unrealistic. (By mainstream, I mean heterosexual, conventionally gendered, conventional, if athletic, sex acts.) The vast majority of men do not have 9 to 12 inch dicks. Porn is changing how men and boys understand size - average which is around 5 to 6 inches is perceived by many as small and 8 inch cocks and above are seen as normal when they are actually uncommon. It is important for your son to know that he is likely normal and that porn emphasizes the outliers in penis size.

Most women do not have at least double D size breasts that never sag. Most women have breasts that move with us, not stay perfectly upright and nipply. Mainstream porn still has too many men who are super buff. The women in porn with some exceptions do not look like most women. They emphasize huge breasts, tiny waist, big butt, long legs, slim, blonde.

For you, porn is anti-feminist. Don't just tell that to your son, tell him exactly why. The unrealistic body images in porn for women especially but men too is just one reason.

For me, the thing I hate the most about porn is that so much of it is joyless. The performers do not look like they are enjoying themselves, they are obviously faking it, and it all seems routine and mechanical. Talk to your son about how people express pleasure differently. When he has his first sexual experience, his partner (assuming a girl or woman) is unlikely to express her pleasure in the ways a porn star would. It's a performance which emphasizes what can be seen and heard - and that does not always match up to how people feel or express sexual release, joy, arousal. For example, one popular sex position that gets filmed a lot is the woman being penetrated sitting on her partner, with her back to him, her legs splayed, and her front, and cunt, facing the camera. This position is popular because it is made for tv, so to speak. One can see everything, the guy is obscured by the woman's body - which many consumers of porn like as they can then slot themselves into the fantasy easier. It's not a position that many women would get much pleasure out of as the clit is not engaged at all, unless she does so.

Tell your son that many women do not orgasm from penis penetration alone. The stats I've heard for this are about 70% of women need something besides or in addition to PIV to come. If your son knows this one fact - and understands how important explicit consent is - he will be so much better prepared for adult sexuality.

I admire your willingness to confront your discomfort about your personal choices - poly to meet needs but not your ideal - and around porn. Your son is lucky (and once he is older than 30, he will realize that. :-)
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  #32  
Old 01-28-2013, 05:45 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by saintvlas22 View Post
I must admit, everyone's experience here is vastly different from my own. Being sexually aware at 10 years old is baffling, as in my neck of the woods, we didn't start dating seriously until after high school.
I'm not sure how the two things are related. I didn't date until I was in university, but I still masturbated and consumed porn from the time I was 10. Didn't have any interest in dating, but that doesn't mean I had no interest in sexual pleasure.
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  #33  
Old 01-28-2013, 11:34 PM
saintvlas22 saintvlas22 is offline
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I guess my wording is off, but yes, the 2 aren't necessarily related - sorry about the confusion.

However, as I said, being sexually aware at that age was too early for me and my peers. We would have been in the fourth grade, and masturbation certainly wasn't on our brains whatsoever. I remember being given sex-ed pamphlets at the time that DID discuss masturbation, but our response was to titter and giggle about it, as we couldn't imagine doing anything like that.

Obviously, you can be start being sexually aware at whatever age - I am just saying, for me and friends and classmates, we were a couple years down the road from where you started. Again, not because we were ashamed or whatever, but because that's just how we turned out. Nothin' wrong with that, or your way, or whatever.
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  #34  
Old 01-29-2013, 12:49 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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It's complicated. I think my son isn't that sexual yet (everyone is different). I think it was largely curiosity. I think that is great advice about talking about porn versus real life! I sort of mentioned that to him.

For me part of the issue is modernity. I think the graphicness is something startling for me -- that upsets me. Someone mentioned that "girlie" magazines ARE porn, and I know this...but these, to me, are just nudity. I have even taught my son that there is something different between nudity and sex. I don't have much of a problem with him seeing nudity. It's the graphic nature of the videos that bother me.

I agree that a porn star is probably treated better than a waitress. What I was think of is how the actual thing is filmed, very anonymous in a way and geared toward men. I looked at the femist blog tho and didn't like that either. I didn't find women masturbating on their periods sexy and even the feminist stuff seemed largely for queer people or men. hmmmm
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  #35  
Old 01-29-2013, 05:25 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saintvlas22 View Post
I must admit, everyone's experience here is vastly different from my own. Being sexually aware at 10 years old is baffling, as in my neck of the woods, we didn't start dating seriously until after high school. There were a few kids who had boyfriends/girlfriends during high school, but they were more buddies who kissed more than anything else. We saw that as kinda odd, really - probably because most of us weren't in the mindset of having sex and being intimate with another person.
How are you so sure you speak for your entire peer group? I was in the nerd crowd and sex wasn't he focus of our conversations either, but we were doing it. But it wasn't talked about as much as it is now. Even in the last 10 years, the internet has really opened the discussion between young people.

In the 1950s, the official story was that everyone was waiting for marriage, and would only kiss if they were going steady. But all these girls would get mysteriously sent away for 9 months. Obviously, pre-marital sex was being had.

Certainly in my high school, which was by and large pretty geeky, people were definitely having sex, but it wasn't talked about that much. I think that's changing now, it's not as taboo as it once was and kids are talking about it more.
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  #36  
Old 01-29-2013, 05:40 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by saintvlas22 View Post

Obviously, you can be start being sexually aware at whatever age - I am just saying, for me and friends and classmates, we were a couple years down the road from where you started. Again, not because we were ashamed or whatever, but because that's just how we turned out. Nothin' wrong with that, or your way, or whatever.


How can you be certain that it wasn't just a case of everyone getting laid except you?
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  #37  
Old 01-29-2013, 06:57 AM
saintvlas22 saintvlas22 is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
How are you so sure you speak for your entire peer group? I was in the nerd crowd and sex wasn't he focus of our conversations either, but we were doing it. But it wasn't talked about as much as it is now.
I can hold you to the same standard - how do you know that everyone was having sex in your group? Like you, I know my friends, and my peers. Sex was not on our minds. Masturbation, sure, but physical intimacy with another was just not something we were ready for.

I don't understand why that's so hard for you to understand. Maybe the kids in my area were all late bloomers, or you guys peaked early, or we just are immature and you guys weren't. The point is, either way, it'd be fine. There is no conspiracy to hide or denounce sex. We just weren't having it because, at that time, it wasn't of interest to us.

Believe it or not, that's what my childhood was like. I had a different experience than you - so what. The world continues to turn.
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  #38  
Old 01-29-2013, 07:00 AM
saintvlas22 saintvlas22 is offline
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It wasn't, if you bothered to read anything I wrote. But if it WAS the case - so what? It's not like that'd be a bad thing. In fact, I was such a physical and mental late bloomer, that I am pretty sure I was the last one in my group of friends to have sex. Nothing wrong with that. I can't think of having sex before I was ready - that'd be terrible. We all go at our own pace, and that's what is important.
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  #39  
Old 01-29-2013, 06:24 PM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Saint,

I can relate to you. I didn't kiss a boy until I was 16, had sex at 18.

As open about sex as I am (taught son about it at 4/ he was 5 yr old gay marriage activist!) I strongly believe sex is for adults. (this is just my opinion). I think there is so much sexualization of children and so much abuse of children. I believe kids should have a childhood and I wouldn't want/encourage my son to have sex before age 18. For me, even that is too young. Buddha called sexual attachment the most difficult attachment and I just don't think teenagers have the mental resources to deal with it, let alone pregnancy bla bla bla. This is very very different from masturbating - three year older play with themselves! And very different from porn/fantasy bla bla bla. Again, my kid knows what a condom is and all that, if it happens it happens, but I would discourage it.
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  #40  
Old 01-29-2013, 06:28 PM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Since people have written about have sex early - would some of you share your first experiences? In retrospect, did you handle the relationships well? Did you have any problems socially, being critized by others? Did you have any trouble with STDS or pregnancy? Did you tell your parents? Where they healthy relationships? It would be great to have insight. I didn't have sex until 1st or second year in college. I wouldn't say I had my first "successful" sexual relationship until 24, and even that wasn't so great!
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