Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 01-29-2013, 02:32 AM
Meghan Meghan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SoCal
Posts: 11
Default

To learninginTN: have tried to get Hubby to MC, but the closest he ever came was to go to some of my depression counseling sessions with me. Also, I have not rewritten our marital history. There are specific dates linked to specific issues going back years, all before ever meeting Sweetie. Ive written more on this in the post preceding yours. I also wouldn't say Sweetie treats me like a queen, on several occasions he has taken Hubby's side and told me that I was being too hard on Hubby. And right now Sweetie won't talk, text or email me, nor accept any from me, for the next few weeks because he wants me to try and work out things with Hubby with out the distraction of him.

That said, there are a lot of differences between me, Hubby, and Sweeties relationship; and yours, your wife, and her bfs relationship.

1.) I'm not having sex with Sweetie
2.) I don't rub my texting/talking with Sweetie in Hubby's face. Contact with Sweetie is generally when Hubby isn't even home.
3.) the last time I even saw Sweetie was Dec 3. We had dinner and talked.
4.) the physical relationship between Hubby and I is not one of our problems, we have sex, actually great sex, 4 to 6 times a week.
5.) Hubby and I talk, I actually try to talk to him more than he try's to talk to me.

One last comment, I got involved with Sweetie when our agreement was in force. Therefore the rules were different when we got involved, and I followedthe rules. Hubby was the only one of us to take advantage of agreement before I became involved with Sweetie. I see it as more of a what's good for the gander is good for the goose type situation. We are supposed to make important decisions together, his making a unilateral decision backed up by an ultimatum makes me feel betrayed.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01-29-2013, 03:37 AM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Meghan View Post
I don't know where you got the impression he and I have had oral sex
I didn´t get that impression at all. Quite the opposite: that you hadn´t gone very far [yet]. I´ll repeat point c) with added words in "DarkOrchid" so that you understand what I meant:

Having said that, and trying to be fair, I seem to understand that his [your husband´s] extra-marital activities meant kissing 2 women, a blow job from another, and attending some/many strip-tease shows. I´m guessing that you´d want to take it further (physically) than your husband did [i.e. more than just kisses and BJs] with Sweetie in the future. Or are you going to be satisfied with a BJ [to maintain the same level as your husband got to] and some cunnilingus [give and take is only fair]? Does this have some bearing on your husband´s reluctance to allow you free rein? That he was "free" but only WANTED to wade in the surf, while you look like you´re interested in swimming the Channel? [Does your husband think that it´s unfair that you´re WILLING to take things with Sweetie much further that he - your husband - ever took them with other women?]

I hope that that clears up the confusion.
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-29-2013, 04:30 AM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
Default

OK, Meghan, thanks for answering my questions. Reading these answers to me as well as your replies to others, I get the impression that you don´t really WANT to stay with Hubby. I mean that it isn´t REALLY important to you. You´re giving him a chance to "straighten up and fly right" and if he doesn´t, you´re willing to dump him. I agree with learninginTN that
Quote:
we have 23 years of being together, with at least 1/3 of those years being very happy
sounds like a pretty sorry record... unless you mean something like "1/3 of those years were VERY happy, 1/2 of those years were relatively happy, and 1/6 of those years were a bit boring [or ´up and down´]".

You´re expressing all these negative expectations about your husband:
Quote:
now wonder if the reason he did so was because his laundry wasn't getting done and he had to fix his own meals.

Now, instead, the critical behavior is about all kinds of other things. Plus he also starts oversharing, I would tell him something private, and he would find some public time to share it. I would tell him it hurt, he'd say sorry, and then he would do it again. Needless to say, it didn't take me too long To quit confiding in him.

However, I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not sure I'll be able to trust him again-and I've told him so. So that's basically where the issues are just between me and Hubby.

I'm actually stuck between do I still love him enough to stay or do I need to leave because our relationship is too broken.
Another dynamic that strikes me: You spent 5 years having trouble even getting out of bed; your husband continued to treat you like shit (encouraging his TWO late-teenaged [was the elder maybe early-twenties?] daughters to gang up on you - that´s bringing in the BIG guns; that´s putting on the hob-nailed boots to stomp on you) until a therapist told him that he was out of order; you didn´t really have the self-confidence to stand up to your husband until Sweetie came on the scene; and your husband didn´t really start to make an effort until he realised that he might actually lose you.

I think that Sweetie´s done just the right thing, backing off until you and your husband deal with your relationship issues. But I also think that you need to deal with some of your own issues. You don´t need a knight in shining white armour to rescue you: you need to learn that you´re worth fighting for and that it´s YOU who needs to do the fighting.

WHY are you only worth loving because Sweetie loves you? [Because - to be honest (and notwithstanding 4-6 sessions per week of GREAT sex) - your husband wasn´t loving you before: he was taking advantage of your loving him... or at least your trying to love him.] WHY don´t you love yourself?

Goddamit, Meghan, you´re a LOVELY person. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be loved by the person who matters most: yourself.

As for your husband - and I really think that this is a secondary matter next to your feelings for yourself - I´m not one of those who insists on professional therapy. But unless he makes SOME kind of commitment to real improvement - and professional MC might be the most sensible at this point - I don´t see much hope for him.
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-29-2013, 05:26 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 138
Default

I'm glad Sweetie is doing the honorable thing. It's pretty hard to be very rational when you're in the grips of NRE, because it's sort of seduces you into that mindset of loving the fantasy, hating the reality, and coming up with lots of reasons not to try to make things work.

Of course, ultimately, you're both going to have to work at the marriage if you want it to succeed. It's sad that sometimes the only thing that jolts someone into action of working on issues is the direct threat of divorce. But that's the reality. Sort of like how sometimes only a heart attack will convince someone to change their unhealthy ways. It's a painful and scarring way of getting you off your butt and working on things. But many couples do recover after being close to divorce, albeit with a lot of work.

That decision is up to both you AND your hubby. It may take a trip to a lawyer to talk about your rights to make hubby realize you're serious. It may "jolt" him into agreeing on marriage counselling. But only do MC if you're serious about wanting it to work. And that's the danger of the NRE I keep referring to. Why would anyone want to work on a marriage, with all it's responsibilities, when they have the fantasy to run off to and take them away from all that?
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 04-14-2013, 03:41 AM
Meghan Meghan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SoCal
Posts: 11
Talking I'm still around here, update

Hi all Sorry I haven't been updating, but I just was going thru a lot of up and down turmoil mentally. Situation here is that I am still in love with Sweetie and Hubby, but I am taking a mental break from both of them. That means I've moved from the bedroom upstairs with Hubby into the extra bedroom downstairs. Neither of them are allowed to initiate conversations with me. I'm spending my time working on myself and what makes ME happy and what I need to do for myself to stay that way. I'll probably continue more of this later.
Meghan
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 04-15-2013, 01:00 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 3,611
Default

Well it sounds like you're in the process of making some big decisions in life. If there's anything we can do to help let us know. It sounds like Sweetie and Hubby are being pretty supportive about it which is good.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:09 AM.