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Old 01-28-2013, 05:08 AM
saintvlas22 saintvlas22 is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 16
Default Ultimatum

So, I have been with my fiance for about 4 years. He's my first long term relationship, and I am absolutely in love. I haven't been happier in - well, ever. We just got engaged, and I can't wait to get married (I'm from Canada, so woo-hoo gay marriage!). Now, I'm the 'hinge' in the relationship between my fiance and my boyfriend.

My boyfriend I've known a little longer. He was my introduction to dating, and physical intimacy, and my very good friend. My boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage, but is also sorta asexual. He doesn't have sex with anyone other than me and my fiance, as he doesn't really care for it personally, but does it to participate. I've always been a little confused about this, because he was the one to initiate being physically intimate with me, but he apparently just enjoys watching other people get off. He's not a continuous fixture in our lives, as he is in the process of setting up a farm that is an hour and half away, and is very busy. He stays with us for random intervals though. He gets along fine with my boyfriend, though he spends time mostly with me. The friendship between us is rather important, not just on a personal level, but also because we're the only people he is close with, as he has issues with his family and he moved here without any friends from another province.

My fiance has been supportive of our relationship; he was alright with the emotional relationship between us, and was alright with the addition of him to the bedroom. Enjoyed it greatly, in fact. After getting engaged though, my fiance has made it clear that we can't continue letting my boyfriend have sex with us. My fiance is more traditional (he's Catholic, compared to us 2 atheists), and I am aware that marriage is a big deal to him. I have no issue with being more conservative - I also enjoy the concept of monogamy and exclusivity, and have no issue with it. However, in our case, I think he would consider that my boyfriend feels somehow obligated to have sex with us in order to be a part of our lives. I've talked to him about the fact that we don't need to have sex AT ALL, that just hand holding and kissing will do (which he actively likes). However, my boyfriend has also revealed that he's gotten kind of territorial. He's gotten into arguments with my fiance about this, and feels threatened by us getting married and the restrictions he feels are being placed upon him. Basically, he's feeling ousted.

I thought the 'no sex' thing would be positive, as it would mean my boyfriend wouldn't feel he has to participate physically if he doesn't want to. But it's revealed a whole other layer to our relationship, and my fiance is not happy. He doesn't understand the resistance my boyfriend is putting up, as he doesn't ever want to marry and is supposedly asexual. Basically, I feel like 2 alpha dogs are going at it, and I'm getting stressed out from the lack of communication. I understand that change is coming and it's difficult for everyone, but how do I get the 2 to sit down and hash it out, and realize that although some points they have are perfectly valid, they also need to compromise and make nice?
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