Redpepper's journey

[LovingRadiance]

Wow. So many similarities! I just read a book by Pema Chodron. I will look up the title. I spent most of Dec and this month "in my own little hidey hole". Watching educational movies with the kids, doing homework, finished a king size bed crocheted afgan for myself. No social engagements, lots of reading. No facebook and no poly groups.
The world circles around me. Sometimes I feel left out. But mostly I feel relieved. The best "side effect" has been the lack of angst over Maca's stuff.

Keep focusing on u RP!!

[LovingRadiance]

When Things Fall Apart. That was the title of the book.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Instead of mid-life "crisis", I think a better term is mid-life "chaos".

Brene Brown calls it midlife "unravel." Mono pointed that out to me from her book and said that he felt as if he unravelled. Then he said that he felt he was flalling around in the wind (not his words, but I think the imagery matches).. This he said a month after saying he felt tethered by his relationship life. Chaos. Yes. That would describe it. Chaos and confusion.

Fortunately things have settled greatly for him it seems. I continue to torture myself with reminders that lead me to remember that I create my own safety in life. I am responsible for what keeps me emotionally safe. Not out of the woods yet, but with every conversation and every bit of work I do on me, I am getting there. Somewhere.

[redpepper]

I think PN has read that book LR. I will ask him. Chances are its in his library. Good idea putting away the social networking and technology. I did that this weekend with Mono. We went to my parents place on the island and decided that there would be no phones and we would only use the netbook to hook up to the big screen to watch shows on line.

Mono's phone tramatizes me now. Every time it beeps or he picks it up I have anxiety. I force myself to really look at that and really pay attention to ways to talk myself down. Having him all to myself, without texts, emails, and messages was more helpful to my healing than I thought it would be. I have become anti-phone over one weekend. I was before, but now more than ever.

We spent the weekend chain sawing, chopping and staking wood for my parents, went out for ever meal, met up with a poly woman we met at a Christmas party who lives there, went to the stores in the village, had numerous delicious coffees, lots of sex, read, and stared out the window. It was heavenly. We came home and yesterday had a refreshing conversation about our future and what we are thinking it will be. We are fine. It will be fine. I am confident in "us" again... Cautiously optimistic. I will be fine.

[LovingRadiance]

Last winter-Maca's phone beeping was enough to send me into a full-scale, medication required, anxiety attack (including asthma attack).
It was a nightmare.

We created agreements that made certain areas of the house no-cell and time frames (our dates) no cell. That made a huge huge difference. Because if his phone was going to be in use-but I wasn't up to it-I could go to a "no cell" room and get away from it. Also-I didn't have to worry about the phone going off in bed, in the shower, on our date etc and ruining a bonding opportunity.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by redpepper

We came home and yesterday had a refreshing conversation about our future and what we are thinking it will be. We are fine. It will be fine.

It makes me happy to read this, RP.

[wildflowers]

Also really glad to hear that life is feeling more stable and comfortable for you, RP.

And thanks for the introduction to Brene Brown; I hadn't heard of her before you mentioned her, but have been looking at her most recent book and finding it interesting.

[redpepper]

Life carries on. I am so in love with myself right now. I am LOVING the time I have created to do nothing but bond with myself. Every moment has become a "me" moment. Whether I am with someone or not.

Self love really does pull a person through. Its just a matter of stopping; grounding in my body; turning my focus on me and acting from a place that nurtures me and no one else. Its kept me somewhat separate somehow from people I am with but in that seperateness I have found wholeness, love and closeness with my self. I have found energy to give again and still hjave something left for me.

This feeling is fresh to me and its fragile. Some incidences have knocked me off course back into paranoia, doubt, depression and fear about Mono and others, but I have managed to address them right away. In doing so I have gained composure by being given reassurance. Without reassurance I don't think I could of found composure again though and that is where I need to work. I need to be able to refocus and find my ground without any help from anyone. I wasn't give reassurance from Mono these last months and I want to be sure if I ever find myself in a situation where I ask for that again and don't get it that I can be safe and secure for myself and by myself.

I've spent time catching up with my loves this last week. All of them are so lovely and I love them. My heart feels warm and grateful. Its at peace again for now.

[Arrowbound]

Originally Posted by nycindie

It makes me happy to read this, RP.

Me too!

[redpepper]

I've been chatting with my highschool sweetheart lately. He looked me up and asked if we could talk about poly as he and his wife had opened their relationship up about a year ago. It's been a few weeks of chatting on line and the occasional Skype. I'm really enjoying the connection we are building again. It just seems like yesterday that we talked.

The timing of his presence in my life is uncanny. He started off by telling me how much he appreciated my being in his life when we were younger at a time when I was at a low point over Christmas. It has been nice to feel appreciated by him and realize appreciation comes when I least expect it.

He and I have talked about my need to work on being alone and he has given me some really good insight into my past. He reminded me that I used to be okay with people always being around me and that I am much like him in that I have always surrounded myself with people that interest me. The difference between now and then is that back then I would replace people who weren't working in my life with ease and without concern. He said there was always someone waiting in the wings to be around and replace the person leaving my life.

He was confused about why I would be preparing and trying to be alone when he thinks I am the sort of person who will never be alone. He said he can not see a reason I would ever be an unattractive friend to others. I will never be alone because he thinks people like to be around me.

Its all made me re-access why I would need to work on being alone. I think it's a matter of loving myself more. Feeling the same way about myself as others do who like to be around me. I used to, during the time I knew my ex, be able to be around others and not use up all my energy. I used to keep some of myself for myself instead of giving away everything. I have forgotten how to hold back and save something for later. I'm getting there though. I'm aware of the line now and with my exes help, I'm beginning to remember how much I loved to be with people and am not feeling as resentful and fearful of it. I'm beginning to be RP in a group of people rather than becoming that group and morphing into it. If that makes sense....